Friday, March 13, 2009

Drink of the Week: Gin Rickey

With spring almost here, maybe, we hope, let's finish the week with a light, warm weather drink, the Gin Rickey. This classic cocktail was almost certainly created for, and under the aegis of, "Colonel" Joe Rickey.

Rickey, a Civil War veteran from Fulton, Missouri.Hhe became one of the most influential Democratic lobbyists in DC, mostly by being a good taking and an expert at playing cards. At a bar called Shoemaker's where the powerful came to imbibe, in a building called the Shoemaker Building owned by Rickey himself, a bartender and a fresh lime made history. To wit: the Gin Rickey.

First, fill a tall, chilled glass with fresh ice. Pour in the juice of one fresh-cut lime. (Or, if you must, use bottled lime juice.) Add two ounces of gin, preferably Plymouth, for the floral aromatics. Top with chilled club soda, a dash of Angostura bitters and a twist.

LOL: Coffee and More Coffee

There's nothing quite so welcoming as a good coffee shop. For the price of a cup of Joe you can rent yourself a little space in an urban oasis. A place that's somewhere between work and home, where you can people-watch, read and cop a massive buzz off your second favorite legal drug. But, as with any area of life, hanging at the coffee shop experience also has its pitfalls and hazards. For instance:

#1 Don't forget to glare at the overweight, high school Goth/vampire/mope rocker angry lesbian with neon pink streaks in her hair, pale skin, pierced eyelids and enough mascara to confuse a raccoon. The whole point of being a depressed teenager is to get mad at people who don't understand you. If you refuse to stare, you'll upset her.

#2: Don't be afraid to order gay-sounding coffee unless you want people to think you are gay. Counter-intuitive, but true. Look, if a guy wants plain coffee, he can make it at home for pennies. If he's at a coffee shop, and so paying top dollar, he might as well get something with mocha and and a double shot of espresso. If that means he has to order an "El Grande Mocha Surprise," oh well. A real man is secure enough in his sexuality to not care what his coffee order sounds like. (This does not, incidentally, hold true at bars, where ordering gay sounding drinks is explicitly forbidden.)

#3: Don't fall in love with the barista. That is, not unless you want to look like a jackass. Sure, it's only natural. If you spend a lot of time at one particular coffee shop, one particular time of day, and a cute girl works behind the counter, you will develop a crush on her. She is serving you something you love. Also, she has to be nice to you; because you are a customer and because she has a tip jar. Besides, men are dumb. If a guy stares at an even moderately pretty girl for long enough, hour after hour, he will eventually convince himself that she's completely gorgeous and he must have her at all costs. Don't be that guy. Instead, look at this coffee-type humor stuff and be entertained.







Somebody really likes Starbucks'. And that same somebody owes money to the estate of M.C. Esher.












Somebody really doesn't like Starbucks'. Either that, or they just really hate the letter "B."











This, folks, is art. You can't do that with a tea bag.









Finally, there is a man hidden inside this picture of coffee beans. It takes a minute or so to find him. If you don't want a hint, stop reading now. Now!

If you do want a hint, this is it: the beans are very large.

Music Box: Olde Tyme Rock and Roll

Ten years ago today, the Number 1 song on the Billboard Hot 100 was "Believe" by Cher. Luckily, no one since then has thought to use the gimmick of Auto-Tune on a pop record. Neil Sedaka has a birthday today. He wrote "Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do" and "Calendar Girl." But the big birthday today is another creator of Brill Building pop, Mike Stoller. As half of Leiber and Stoller, he has been one most influential songwriters and producers in rock history; responsible for songs like "Stand by Me," "Kansas City," the Drifters' classic "There Goes My Baby," and hits for Elvis Presley including "Love Me," "Hound Dog" and "Jailhouse Rock." Here's another little Elvis nugget from the Leiber and Stoller catalog, "Baby I Don't Care":

SportsGrinder

Holy crap! Six overtimes. There comes a moment in games like last night's battle between Syracuse and UConn when even people playing just want to get the freaking game over and go home. Has anyone ever read the "Iowa Baseball Confederacy" by "Field of Dreams" author WP Kinsella? It's a novel about a baseball game that goes into extra innings and won't end. Ever. Still, those six OT's were an amazing spectacle. And, as a bonus, we got to see Jim Calhoun mad.

Watching ESPN.com video is always a pain in the ass, but even the fifteen-second commercial first is worth watching to get the whole highlight package for this epic match.



DJ Gallo has done some nice work making fun of Terrell Owens. Just a few more thoughts on TO, because we'd like to get some prop bets on him down now.

Nah, not how many yards or touchdowns he gets in 2009. We want to bet the over/under on how many times Owens comes back after his very public "retirements"? We figure there will be at least two (tearful) press conferences, after this season and next. Also, when he does retire, how long before he goes on "Dancing with the Stars" and how many times will he drop Julianne Hough?

Chris Bosh of the Toronto Raptors does the weather for a local news show. Badly. Complete with a nice jibe from the anchor who introduces the segment:



Bill Belichick sings backups for Jon Bon Jovi on "Wanted: Dead or Alive." You can't make this stuff up. We just can't embed it. On so many levels, this clip violates the senses. But if like watching middle-aged football coaches dance awkwardly and sing off key to 80's pop, this link is for you.

THE DAILY GRIND: A "Grass Mud Horse," the Caffine Tax and Clone Wars

Britney Spears debuted a new video for the song, "If You Seek Amy," whose title is a silly pun. Britney's not dewy or anything, like back in the Catholic schoolgirl days. Nobody goes through what she has without some wear and tear. But she's still worth looking at. Which is kind of the point of this "essay chai tea why" song:



But Britney isn't alone. In China, songs and stories of the mythical "Grass Mud Horse" flood the web, frustrating state censors. In Mandarin, you see, the name of the faux beast sounds like a nasty curse. Funny. In a society like China, where free expression doesn't exist, a bad sex pun is an instrument of political protest. In our society, where anyone can say almost anything, it's just a lame pun.

Jim Cramer was on The Daily Show. Because it's always big, big news when one TV personality visits another.

An archaeological dig near Venice unearthed the 16th-century remains of a woman with a brick stuck between her jaws — evidence that she was believed to be a vampire," the AP reports.

Utah is considering tax on caffeine. After multiple proposals to raise the tax on cigarettes failed, Rep. Craig Frank of Utah has initiated a study on the impact of such a tax, the Salt Lake Tribune reports. "We're going after people who have problems with addiction for a revenue stream, only caffeine would be one that is more broad-based," Frank said.

Yup. Your morning cup of java is now a "problem," an "addiction," and worst of all, "a revenue stream." Next up, chocolate.

You want to get confused? Try to understand the stem cell debate. Perpetually grouchy conservative Charles Krauthammer had a solid take on why he chose not to attend the signing ceremony for Obama's sweeping changes to the laws governing stem cell research. Krauthammer actually supports the new legislation. What annoys him and others is Obama's intellectually dishonest way of presenting it.

Announcing the new bill, Obama said "our government has forced what I believe is a false choice between sound science and moral values." He then proceeded to promise that we would now "appoint scientific advisers based on their credentials and experience, not their politics or ideology." Implying, of course, Bush hadn't.

That's not fair. Bush's 2001 ruling didn't ban stem-cell research. It said that any stem-cells used for research must come from an already existing lines. It also said that the cells must have been derived from an embryo created for reproductive purposes, not created specifically for research. The idea is to not have scientists creating human embryos just to harvest new cells from them.

Then, as soon as Obama said he wouldn't let "ideology" interfere with pure science, he badly contradicted himself. In the same breath, he said, "We will ensure that our government never opens the door to the use of cloning for human reproduction." Why? Because cloning would be "profoundly wrong," with "no place in our society, or any society."

Really? So, if my kidneys are failing and science says it's possible to clone me and get new ones, it would be "profoundly wrong" to let me live? Gee, it's a good thing we aren't letting morals and ethics intrude on science.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

LOL: Thigh Smacking Funny

Lou Reed inspired us. Can there comedy about heroin? Well, sure. Why not? 'Born to Win' from 1971 is ostensibly a comedy about a former hairdresser turned heroin addict, starring George Segal.We don't suggest watching the whole thing, but the opening theme rates high on the unintentionally funny scale.

























Well, people always complain fortune cookies aren't specific enough.
























To paraphrase a David Spade joke, can we let the sober people pick the models?






















Yes, these are real. Heroin began as a legal product. From Bayer. If that's not comedy, tell us what is.

Music Box: Velvet Underground Railroad

Lots of musical birthdays today. James Taylor, Liza Minnelli, Al Jarreau, Steve Harris of Iron Maiden. But today, in 1967, is also when the Velvet Underground released their debut, “The Velvet Underground and Nico.” While the rest of the pop world was looking to San Francisco, wearing bright colors, taking acid and singing about flower power, the Velvets were with Warhol in New York, wearing black leather, doing heroin and singing about doing heroin. And heroin.

You wonder if Lou Reed regrets that song? Oh, sure. Artists will be artists and all. But it's impossible to deny that some fairly large number of white kids from the suburbs have gotten interested in smack over the last few decades because of what Lou Reed glorified. Is "he made heroin way more popular" really something a guy wants on his resume?

Anyway, this is "Run, Run, Run," from the same record, a much better song.

The "Thursday is Technically the Weekend" Preview

Looking for something beyond the orgy of basketball? Friday the 13th, presuming you are brave enough, you can catch Seven Mary Three in Indianapolis, or Shinedown in Kansas City. Out west, hip-hop pioneers De LA Soul play San Diego. They are marking 20 years since "3 Feet and Rising." Back east, the Dropkick Murphys have a weekend of gigs all over Boston, go figure. Boston is also having their "St Patrick's Weekend Kickoff Party," meaning Tuesday's binge drinking starts Friday afternoon.

Saturday night, Dan Tyminski, the guy who sang what George Clooney lip-synced in "O! Brother, Where Art Thou," plays lovely Roanoke, VA. That same night Ludacris is at the cleverly-named Laredo Entertainment Center in Laredo, TX. Oh, and if you didn't get to see De La Soul in San Diego, catch them in Redondo Beach.

As for film, there's only one we want to see this weekend. We've been breathlessly awaiting the arrival of "Edge of Love" starring Keira Knightley, Sienna Miller, Matthew Rhys and Cillian Murphy. Loosely based on the life of Dylan Thomas, the film explores the bohemian underworld of war-torn London. Can't wait. We've already got tickets. Kidding. All movies with actors named Cillian suck. Out loud. We care about "Miss March," obvi. It's got two things we like; a Playboy-theme and guys from Whitest Kids U Know.

Oh, all right. If you have to see a film with more substance, check out "Sunshine Cleaning." Amy Adams and Emily Blunt play sisters in a dark comedy about bio-hazard clean up. Alan Arkin, always good in movies that have "Sunshine" in the title, co-stars.

SportsGrinder

Obviously, it's March. The mad part. There is only one subject on the mind of real, red-blooded, American sports fan. Can anyone beat Manchester United? Kidding, of course. It's college hoops time, which always makes life worth living.

The conference tournaments are in full bloom, and the Big 12 has already been a blast. Last night Mike Singletary at Texas Tech went off for 29 points in nine minutes, 43 points total to stun the Aggies. Today, upstart Baylor knocked off top-seed Kansas. Meanhwile, Michigan crushed Iowa. Georgia Tech beat Clemson. Kentucky took down Mississippi and... We could go on.

Soon, Selection Sunday cometh, followed by three glorious days of mulling, studying and filling out brackets. (Like anyone else, we'll have our picks up.) Deadspin, via USA Today, via a bunch of press releases from phone companies, points out that a sufficiently wired gadget freak need not miss a bucket of the whole show. Almost. And with Direct TV, you can (as the blaring ad on ESPN reminds us every three minutes) be a "real fan" by watching four games at the same time. Never mind that it's neurologically impossible to process all the action of four simultaneous college basketball games.

There are, however, sports that aren't college basketball, though you probably won't care for the next few weeks. The New York Times has a story about Travis Henry that shows just how easy it is to blow several million dollars if you happen to have nine kids by nine different women. The US split with Venezuela in the World Baseball Classic, with the South Americans all jacked about the one win.

There is also racing. Sadly, NASCAR is taking the week off, but a lot of old fashioned horsepower will be on display. The 2009 Kentucky Derby is the first weekend in may and, really, the prep races leading up the Run for the Roses is always the coolest part of the season. Now, in fact, is the time to sign up for the Road To The Roses Kentucky Derby Fantasy Challenge; the official fantasy game of the Kentucky Derby.

Yes, it exists. Are you really surprised? Players create stable of horses, then select jockeys and trainers, winning points based on results in the the prep races.

On the track, there's a gem this weekend. The Louisiana Derby, at the picturesque Fair Grounds in New Orleans, will feature some of the top three-year-old talent in the country. Except for Big Drama, a horse which has looked like a Derby lock since last year, but ke kicked himself in a stall, suffered a bone bruise and is done as Triple Crown contender. Tough sport, horseracing. Thse thoroughbreds have a lot of stuff that can go wrong.

Everyone enjoys the Sports Illustrated Cheerleader of the Week. What's not to love? Although sometimes you get the feeling that the people over at SI is pick the cheerleaders on the basis of misguided criteria -- like how well they can cheer. Case in point; current COTW, Rachelle from the University of North Carolina. She's sort of, that is.. Um, well.. How to put this nicely? She is kind of… Um. Well, there is no way to put it nicely. She is unhot. Don't click unless you need to cure a case of the hiccups. Really, is this the best the entire state of North Carolina can produce?

THE DAILY GRIND: The Taliban, Timmy G., Bernie and the World's Biggest Wussy

There seems to be problem with letting detainees out of Gitmo. They commit crimes. Abdullah Ghulam Rasoul was held in the controversial camp at Guantánamo Bay for six years before being released to Afghan authorities in December 2007. He was released from prison in Kabul last year, and has since become known as Mullah Abdullah Zakir, the Taliban’s new operations chief in Helmand. Since his arrival, the threat from the Taliban has risen dramatically with more sophisticated roadside bombs being planted. He's not the only one. Another Guantánamo prisoner, Said Ali al-Shihri, is now the deputy leader of al-Qaeda’s branch in Yemen. He's suspected of a role in a bombing at the US Embassy in the capital, Sanaa, in September, which killed 16.

It would be nice to find someone who's really excited about Timothy Geithner. But we can't. First, let's face it, the Treasury Department isn't the sexiest beat. Also, the guy isn't exactly getting rave reviews. Liberal and conservative, Mother Jones and the Wall Street Journal (for different reasons) can't stand the guy.

Geithner does seem to be doing an awful lot of nothing. Then again, maybe "nothing" is part of his secret plan. Maybe Geithner is a secret objectivist, only pretending to do something because he knows that nothing is the best thing to do. Or not. The man himself finally spoke to the Senate, but didn't say much of anything. So, in lieu of any actual analysis, which wouldn't be worth a crap anyway, we made a Geithner word cloud. Let us know if this helps.














Bernie Madoff has gone directly to jail. Which is gratifying, kind of, in a very abstract way. Here's hoping he has a very unpleasant time and suffers enormously. The Daily Beast has a pretty interesting story, written by an ex-con, on the bizarre culture Bernie will face in jail.

The American Male is officially dead, having been replaced by the dithering, wussy, 'fraidy cat techno-weenie. The proof is one Mr. David Prager whose reaction to having his home broken into was to Twitter about it. Valleywag posted the entire feed, verbatim.

# ok, maybe I should lock my door - I swear a random dude just walked into my bathroom and I can't believe I haven't freaked out
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# and I can't believe I'm tweeting about it while he is still in there — in wonder of he is sleep walking - or if maybe I should freak out
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# ok - he's still in the bathroom and Im now thinking a combo of hobo and drunk and sleepwalking dude - he seems late 20s - hmmm what next ?
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# I'm thinking the hobo part cause I can smell BO - and I really am wondering why I haven't freaked the F out
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# maybe I should mention I live in a relatively rustic studio apartment in SF
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# there is no TP in my bathroom - wonder if that is complicating things for him - was gonna wait for him to come out and kick him out
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# hmmm — should I call the cops like you guys have recommended? find a blunt object before opening the door? my gut tells me he's harmless
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# but ... I could be wrong about the harmless assumption
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# I'm now thinking maybe he's passed out in my bathroom — I guess that's better than violent — but I have no idea. time to freak out??
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# ok - about to make move - putting shoes on first
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# glad that GF wasn't here
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# ok - have weapon if I need it - but don't plan on any confrontation with it - about to go in
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# haven't gone in yet ..... debating calling cops but just feel it's not needed for some reason (and probably contrary to all logic)
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# ok - still haven't done anything - he is still in there - gonna setup a ustream now I think - standby
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# http://www.ustream.tv/channel/revision3
about 4 hours ago from web

# going in
about 3 hours ago from Tweetie

# if u haven't been watching my ustream -the dude passed out in my bathroom and I just dragged him out
about 3 hours ago from Tweetie

# ok - I think the drama is over - intruder is out - door is locked - think I finally need some sleep
about 3 hours ago from Tweetie

Can you imagine some drunk/homeless dude busting into your house, shutting himself in the bathroom and you sit there "tweeting" for an hour? How stoned, cowardly, dumb or naive do you have to be to not kick him out or make the cops do it? What. A. Douche.

And, of course, the ustream is now a YouTube video. This is what a pussy looks like:

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Wednesday Wildcard: Alex Grey Freakout



Does anyone else besides us get really wigged out staring at the art of Alex Grey? No? Okay. Must just be us then.

LOL: Three Things You Shouldn't Need to be Told, Unless You're an Idiot

There's nothing more annoying that someone telling you what you already know. Back in college, the Grinder knew these two roommates. The first guy subscribed to the newspaper. The second guy would pick up the sports page as soon as the first guy finished. Then, while reading it, he would point out facts of interest. The first guy would say things like "Dude, I just read that paper. Just now. You watched me." But to no avail.

So, while we understand that the following advice is going to be redundant for some of you, and annoying for being redundant, the larger issue is that a significant portion of humankind continues, in various ways, to act like complete morons on a daily basis. We must, with apologies to those of you who know this stuff, right these wrongs. Three of them. But you probably already got that from the title. These, then, are the Three

Don't Wear Sunglasses Inside
Are you stoned? Hiding red eyes? Tripping acid and have giant black pupils? Still in high school with Judd Nelson from 'Breaks fast Club' and need "better hallway vision? There are only two reasonable excuses for any human being ever to wear sunglasses indoors and/or after sunset. One, if it's Halloween and your costume is Ray Charles. Two, if you are very famous and must face a barrage of paparazzi when you walk out of a club. Other than that, for the love of Corey Hart no one should ever do that. Ever.

Don't Call a City "Islamabad"
What kind of Chamber of Commerce are they running over there? First of all, guys, your city has "Islam" in the name. Right up front. No offense or anything, but Islam has been having some moderate public relations challenges the last few years. Would it be possible to use "Muslim" instead? It has a much nicer sound. It makes people think of fabric.

Then, pretty obviously, the suffix "bad" has to go. Think about it. Would you eat a burger from a restaurant called "BurgerBad? Would you want tacos from a place called "The BadTaco"? Of course not. That's why you might consider"Muslimgood." See? Doesn't that sound nice. Muslimgood! It has a brighter, happier feel. Before you know it, the place will be a tourist Mecca. No offense.

Sarah Silverman Blows Fat Chunks, Besides Jimmy Kimmel
Did Sarah and Jimmy get back together? Again. Did they break up for good? It's like Brad and Jen used to be -- except those two were an attractive couple. Yeah, okay, Silverman can be kind of funny. Sometimes. Sort of. Whatever. She has always been way more interested in shocking than anything else. That's no so hard. Anyway, can you imagine her having a career without boobs? Neither can we.

Speaking of boobs, will someone tell Chelsea Handler she's there to talk about pop culture, not politics. Chelsea, you are funny enough to watch. But when a self-described drunken slut tries to preach on gay marriage, immigration and economy, we can't flip fast enough.

Okay, you know what. That last one sucked. Here's one more, a bonus:

Rihanna and Chris Brown should not be recording a duet
The couple, allegedly reconciled after Chris allegedly assaulted Rihanna, is now allegedly working on a song for Chris' new album, due later this year. The pair are allegedly working with alleged roducer Polow Da Don. Neither Chris nor Rihanna's representatives have commented, allegedly because they were all beating the shit out of each other and having hot make-up sex.

Music Box: 3+1+1= 311

It's Bruce Watson's birthday. He's the founding guitarist
for Scottish rock band, Big Country. Off the 1983 album
The Crossing, this is "In a Big Country", their only U.S.
Top 40 single. We love this band and song and just
wanted to hear it.


Okay. Now, on to business. With it being the eleventh day of
the third month and all, you know that today must belong to
Omaha, Nebraska's own 311. The pop-funk-reggae band chose
today, 3/11 to announce that their new album, Uplifter, will be
released on June 2, 2009. Produced by Bob Rock, Uplifter will
be the band’s first studio record in three years. The first single,
“Hey You,” is supposed to come out in April -- which means we
can expect to be leaked online any day now. Here's their mainstream
breakthrough, "Down," played live on the Letterman show:

SportsGrinder

Dwight Howard makes fun of Patrick Ewing. Because he can.




Yeah, we know it's easy to hate the term "bubble" in college hoops. But you might as well prepare yourself because that's all you're going to hear for the next week. Following Cleveland State's big upset of Butler last night, the Bubble Watch is already well underway.

The WBC just got (kind of ) interesting with a major upset. The Dominican Republic, of the 22 MLB players, lost to the Netherlands, a country which, we believe, is somewhere near Holland.

Some very good comedy came to a head last night. Drew Magary on Deadspin had been (badly) impersonating Rick Reilly on Twitter. So badly, in fact, he deliberately spelled the columnists name wrong. But that didn't stop the real Rick from getting mad.

Bill Simmons writes a story that has almost nothing to with sports. Really. It's about the Oscars, and figuring out a statistic to rank actors like they were atheltes. So, if you care what Bill Simmons thinks about cinema, or if the Oscars have anything at all to do with what actors you like, click on over, we guess. Kinda. Whatev.

The Eagles seem to hording cap room and the Cardinals look to be getting rid of Anquan Boldin. This pro-Eagles Yardbarker blogger says a trade is in the works. Wait. What? The Cardinals are getting rid of Anquan Boldin? Why, because he catches too many touchdowns? The trauma of a winning season was too much for Cardinals fans to take? They must need another decade of ineptitude to calm themselves back down.

Jay Cutler is unhappy in Denver. Very unhappy. Then again, you get the sense Jay isn't a very happy guy, generally, as some poor, unsuspecting NFL locker-room is in San Francisco, Detriot or Cleveland may soon learn.

Bettorfan.com knows why the Internet exists. They've got a collection of Hollywood babes who were cheerleaders back in the day. There are eSportsGrinderven a few surprises. Reese Witherspoon and Sandra Bullock is no shock. But Fergie? What was she doing with the football team? A rocker chick like that should have been hanging out with freaks.

Finally, does it get any weirder that Fidel Castro blogging? Yes, Fidel Castro blogging about baseball.

THE DAILY GRIND: Redneck Banking, Camile's Return and Tom Friedman predicts the end of the world for the second time in a week

Now, this right here is the kind of banking we can git behind. The Redneck Bank, "where bankin’s funner!” is paying some of the rootinest-tootinist rates in the whole gosh dern U.S. of A. .

Okay, actually the Redneck Bank offers a 5.25 percent rate on their FDIC-insured checking accounts, about what other online banks offer. But, with those other banks you don't get you're very own Redneck Bank debit card with a braying horse head on it. Yes, this is real.

The incendiary Camille Paglia is back in Salon, thank goodness, excoriating the Obama administration's "smirky smart alecks and provincial rubes." They may have been "shrewd enough to beat the slow, pompous Clintons in the mano-a-mano primaries," but now seem like "dazed lost lambs in the brave new world of federal legislation and global statesmanship."

Ka-boom. She makes especial point of a subject that was little noted in the US, but caused a great ruckus in Great Britain; Obama's serially boorish mishandling of the state visit by Prime Minister Gordon Brown. Hey, weren't the Obama people supposed to be good at the ceremonial stuff?

Thomas Friedman, without so much as an "Oh, by the way, I have absolutely no expertise in this subject," serves up a healthy dose of panic in the New York Times today. Unless Obama does much more to "fix" the financial sector, he says, we are all doomed. Yup. Doomed.

"The problem with this crisis is that A.I.G., Citigroup and General Motors — and your neighbor’s subprime mortgage — are not Dogfood.com, " Friedman writes. "You let the market clear them away, and we could all be wiped out with them."

We will be wiped out. All of us. The end of Citigroup, GM and A.I.G, means the end of the United States, the collapse of civilization itself and indeed the end of the human species. But don't panic

The Grinder has no economic expertise. We feel lucky if our bank balance stays in the black. But we do know that the Panic of 2008 was just that, a panic. Hence, the name. We also feel sure that, just as human beings managed to exist before Citigroup, we could somehow find a way to endure without it.

Financial panics for countries, basically, work like panic attacks do for people. When you are having one, it seems like the world will end. But when it's over, you realize you were never in any serious danger, and the self-created anxiety was the worst part.

Economies, generally, grow while going through booms and busts along the way. At least, they always have. Left alone, no bailouts, no stimulus, no government intervention, this economy too will bounce back.

Friedman and his ilk (oh yeah, "ilk") are talking about a bunch of fiscal Xanax. They want an end to the financial crises now. Immediately. Today, if not sooner. They want some combination of tax dollars and financial chicanery to immediately recreate boom conditions. Which, if you think about it, is exactly the kind of thinking that got us in this mess.

There is an old saying that shortcuts sometimes turn out to be the long way around. Friedman's ideas, like "doubling the economic stimulus" are the sort of shortcut that goes through a mean, crazy neighbor's backyard. And he has dogs.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Music Box: Cherry (Back) on Top



Happy Birthday to you, Neneh Cherry! You Stockholm-born daughter of Swedish mother and a Sierra Leonean father. We are going to celebrate the big day by "wearing padded bras and sucking beer through straws" while dancing to your biggest hit, 1989's "Buffalo Stance." This live performance includes, inexplicably, bonus footage of the "Lost in Space" robot.

LOL: Kanye Cannot Auto-Tune His Ugly Ass Footwear

Uggs, platform sneakers, furry foots and clogs, the world has no dearth of ugly footwear. Yet Kanye West, rapper and sunglasses pioneer, has outdone them all. As the good people of SneakerFreaker.com (we love this country) inform us, new pics are out of the shoes designed by Kanye, the "Louis Vuitton Don." The kicks are supposed to be available in stores, what the kids call "drop" sometime this summer. We'll have to wait and see for your but this Don might -- just might be the ugliest shoe of all time. The pink soles, the moon-boot Velcro straps that look like they are for kids who ride the short bus, the tassel. These shoes have it all. But until Kanye's kicks drop for real we won't know for sure. In the meantime, here are some other candidates.















Notice the multicolored leather uppers that are
dyed to compliment the kitty cartoon. Fantastic.
What man wouldn't be proud to wear them?






















Yes. Because nothing says "athletic ability" like a giant,
green pastry with globs of white icing. Hey, is anyone else
suddenly hungry?



















Ah, what else can you say about Kobe Bryant?
Good thing his game isn't as bad as his footwear.





















Historical footwear isn't our strong suit. Where would one
wear these, precisely? To a reenactment of gladiatorial
combat or more of a Medieval joust?


















These boots were not made for walking. They were made by
designer Christian LaCroix, which means that at least one rich,
insane lady somewhere paid money to own a pair. Thousands
of dollars. Money well spent, we say. Good job, Imelda. Your
husband, the former investment banker, must be thrilled to
see these in your closet.
























Another name designer, Alexander McQueen. We
refuse to believe that anyone, anywhere on earth
has actually purchased a pair of these shoes. We
will continue to believe so despite any and all evidence
to the contrary in a effort to keep hold of what little
faith we have in the goodness of humankind




























Someone sent us these. Can't see a problem.
























Okay. Forget it. We have a winner. These are the
Jordan Spizike Colorways, part of the Air Jordan Spizike
“King’s County” line, which has something to do with Spike
Lee. The shoe features a black nubuck, white patent leather,
and a yellow elephant print. Classy.

GearMania Tuesday: Well-Dressed for the Apocalypse

We are still thinking about those riots in Sweden. How can anyone get so worked up about a freakin' tennis match? It's just bizarre that these people have nothing better to do with their time than protest two guys in white shorts running around and swatting at a fuzzy, little ball.

On the other hand, rioting does look like an awful lot of fun; throwing stones, jumping on police cars, terrorizing people for the sake of an abstract and pointless goal. (Could someone explain how, exactly, protesting a tennis match was going to help things in the Middle East? Because we haven't quite figured that part out.)

The only downside to rioting, of course, is that a guy could get hurt, what with all those rocks and tear gas canisters flying around, willy-nilly and all. That's why we are saving up for this; the FlexForce™ Riot Control Suit from Damascus Protective Gear®. The patented FlexForce Elektrum XK8™ features hard-shell panels on the chest, back, forearms, thighs and knees, offering serious protection from blunt force trauma without sacrificing mobility and comfort. This fashionable, functional suit can be yours for the low, low, price of $599.99.

Even if you don't like riots (and what's up with that, loser?), the FlexForce makes an awesome Halloween costume. You can go as RoboCop or, with slight modifications, the guy from Tron.

The problem? You have to buy bulk to get that $599.99. price, and we are pretty sure that the minimum order is more than one. Oh, also, you really ought to be in some sort of police or military outfit to own one.

SportsGrinder

Let's see, they tried it with the USFL. That didn't go so well. They tried with the XFL. That went even worse. Now we've got the UFL. Ugh. The start-up United Football League struck a deal with the start-up Versus network to air live weekly football games Thursday and Friday nights this fall. Each telecast of the four-team league (Yes, four whole teams.) will be about three hours, with all the games available in high-def. The league has already named its head coaches; Jim Haslett, Ted Cottrell, Jim Fassel and Denny Greene, and they will play in Las Vegas, New York, Orlando and San Francisco.

Okay, Vegas and Orlando, we get. But don't New York and the Bay Area already have enough pro football teams?

Founded by San Francisco investment banker Bill Hambrech, the UFL has pulled in $30 million from a consortium of backers that includes financier Paul Pelosi, the husband of Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Tim Armstrong, a senior executive at Google.

Oh and the UFL is also reportedly interested in signing Michael Vick, in the (very likely) event that the Falcons can't trade him. Michael Huyghe, UFL commissioner and agent for Pacman Jones, says he let fans decide. "I think it's too early to tell, but we did talk about Michael Vick earlier." Huyghue told The Fly. "We are a fan-driven league, and with those types of situations, we would put it on our web site and let our fans make the determination."

Way to go, UFL. Awesome PR work. Hey, we hear Rae Carruth has been lifting weights and should be out of jail by 2018. Surely he deserves at least a tryout. In bonus Mike Vick news, the disgraced quarterback's home didn't sell when it went up for auction today in the ATL. Aw. So sad.

About 1:48 into this clip, Jon Stewart makes a good point. How come the Chicago Bulls got to visit the White House? Aren't sports teams supposed to win something before they get to meet the president?






















Sports on a Stick, which is indeed satire, has a funny story about an exciting new video game from EA Sports called, Tracy McGrady: The Rehab ‘09. For the first time ever, the story says, a game puts players "directly into shoes of a multimillionaire NBA superstar as he rehabs from a debilitating, possibly season-ending injury.” Clever. We are looking forward to becoming a trend in sports games. Who wouldn't want to play Alex Rodriquez Hip Surgery '09 and Warren Sapp: The Retirement.

THE DAILY GRIND: Drugs, Other Drugs and Gaza comes to Malmö

Almost 200 Phish fans left Virginia a little lighter than when they arrived for the band's big reunion. Police said Monday that they confiscated about $1.2 million in illegal drugs and more than $68,000 in cash from concertgoers during the three-night celebration of the band's return to the stage. Authorities arrested 194 Phans, most for drug possession, use and distribution. Nearly 200 law enforcement officers worked the weekend event, with the band picking up the tab.

Get it? Picking up the tab? You know, like a tab of acid? Wait. Do people still use the expression "tab of acid"? Come to think of it, do people still use acid?

Speaking of illegal drugs, that's just what they are doing in Vienna. On the eve of a meeting by the U.N. Commission on Narcotic Drugs to review United Nations drug policy, a new European Commission report said that enforcing drug bans has backfired; displacing drug traffickers to lawless regions and leading addicts to spread disease as syringe-exchange programs have shut down.

Yeah, also otherwise law-abiding citizens are put in jail.

"In other words," concluded the report, "the world drugs situation seems to be more or less in the same state as in 1998."

Nevertheless, U.N. members are expected to sign a declaration re-committing themselves to fighting drug trafficking in the very same way for yet another 10 years. Then, after signing the agreement, they will all go out and get stinking drunk.

Did anyone happen to be in the stands for the opening-round Davis Cup match between Israel and Sweden? Of course not. Almost no one was in the stands. Officials in the Swedish city of Malmö didn't allow spectators inside, saying they couldn't guarantee the Israeli athletes' safety. Check out this eerie footage to see what that was like.

So, while the match went on in an almost-empty stadium, scores of rock-throwing protesters outside clashed with police outside. Cops apprehended nearly 100 people and arrested 10 on charges of rioting and assault. Video footage of the protest on YouTube, shows the march descending into chaos, as demonstrators hurl large fireworks at mounted police, climb on top of police vehicles and attempt to enter the stadium.

Here, someone has set the protest footage to a catchy little tune:

The person who made this tape seems pretty pleased with what went on. Keep in mind, this is about tennis.

According to a spokesman for Stop The Match, the ad-hoc organization formed specifically to cancel the Davis Cup tournament with Israel, this was in retribution for Israel "denying the Palestinian people the right to live in peace and to practice sports" according to its website. After the riots, a spokesman for the group was unapologetic for the violence. "We concluded that 'Malmö is Gaza,'" he said. "We were all Palestinians at the stadium."

Right. "Malmö is Gaza." And Sweden is Israel. And sports and politics mix really well. And violent protests are a great way to solve problems. And, of course, the best possible method for convincing people that the Palestinian cause is just is to threaten innocent athletes for no other reason than they are Jews who represent the Jewish state.

Malmö is Sweden's third-largest city and has grown accustomed to this kind of conflict. Over a quarter of its population is made up of immigrants, many from Arab countries. Iraq, Iran, and Lebanon are in the top 10 countries of origin for immigrants, according to census data.

Oh, by the way, the Israeli team beat Sweden 3-2 to reach the Davis Cup quarter-final for the first time since 1987. Monday, the win was front page news in Israeli papers.

Monday, March 9, 2009

LOL: Punk Rock Babies

Decades after the Sex Pistols' demise, punk lives. Kind of. At least in a depressing, "completely antithetical to everything punk ever stood for" way. Witness this high-priced, heavily-marketed alternative "onesie." (Please know, it makes us physically ill to even type the word "onesie.") What kind of parents would make their kid wear something like that? The same kind that would give their kids the haircuts you see below.







This is your standard, everyday baby-in-the-bathwater
Mohawk. It suggests that the parents, though they moved to the suburbs,
got straight jobs and now attend PTA meetings, still believe
deep down they are rebels. Not good. Just look at the poor kid. He
clearly knows what kind of life he's facing.



The true Mohawk suggests this child either has extraordinarily
thick hair at a very early age or that someone has glued a slice of
carpet to his head. Given that his beard doesn't seem to be coming
in yet as well, we'll guess it's the latter.



Let's hope that's his dad. Because if they are brothers,
and the big one just gave the little one that crazy-ass
'do, their mom is going to be very very pissed off.



Knitting. It's the new heroin.



Sadly, this adorable little girl with the nosering
and tribal tats is just an illusion. This pic was
found at Freaking News, the photoshop contest website.



Yes, also faked at Freaking News. Sorry, we still couldn't
resist posting it. That blinged-out grill is just too sweet



Yup. The hair is real. So is the sunburn. The twin star
tattoos, though, are only drawn on with an ink marker. At least,
that's what she told us. If not, someone needs to call Child Services right away.

Music Box: Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Grinder

On this date in 1977, the Sex Pistols were signed to A&M records at the offices of Rondor Music. The next day, they re-staged the contract signing outside Buckingham Palace for the benefit of the media.


"Anarchy in the UK" their immortal first single came out in 1976. This is the band playing it on British TV back before Sid Replaced Glen Matlock.



Sid, just being Sid, on "My Way," With bilingual subtitles!


Crazy-ass, black-and-white interview on a rinky-dink local TV station in New York.

Monday Booklist: "Why Scares are Costing Us the Earth"

We are still thinking about Thomas Friedman's warning that End of Days is Nigh. No, not because we think he's right. But because it would nice if he would calm down a little and stop trying to freak everybody out. It is possible, just possible, that humanity may survive to see 2010.

For Tom, and anyone else who needs to chillax, the Grinder suggests "Scared to Death: From BSE to Global Warming: Why Scares are Costing Us the Earth", by Christopher Booker. Rationally and methodically, Booker explores how our mindset of endless panics is self-destructive and, usually, based on junk science. From scares over the SARS virus, secondhand smoke and even Global Warming, Booker shows how threats get so hyped that their cure ends up being worse than the disease.

SportsGrinder: How to Dunk, Be Cheap, Not Go to Jail, and Get Fired by the Eagles

Vince Carter had the Dunk of the Day last night. Which, we guess, makes it the Dunk of the Night. But that doesn't sound nearly as good. It's also not accurate, if you happen live on the West Coast, because when Carter actually dunked it would have still been light out. Wait… What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah, this sick-tastic windmill slam:



Once you get past Rick Riley's desperate need to hit you with a punch-line every three seconds, this ESPN the Magazine story on how cheap it is to see live sports these days is a little gem. There are some tremendous bargains out there for fans who know where to look.

Sports By Brooks has an interesting piece about Roman Abramovich, owner of London’s Chelsea Football Club. A new book claims he had to sell his post-Soviet oil empire, Sibneft oil, to state-owned Gazprom under threat of bankruptcy and/or jail time. Ah, life in Putin's Russia. Always a haven for entrepreneurs.

A dumb game-day Eagles employee ripped the team on his Facebook page and got fired. The story, picked up by both Deadspin and The Big Lead, is that the guy was so mad about Brian Dawkins going to the Broncos he posted a mildly obscene rant on his Facebook page. He was subsequently, and unceremoniously, fired from his team duties. Now he's making it worse by begging for his job back though the media. (Dude, just threaten a lawsuit. You are an American. How can you not know how this works.?) Okay, maybe the Eagles were a little harsh. But, seriously, if you are dumb enough to post negative stuff about your employer online, maybe a job with the public isn't right for you.

THE DAILY GRIND: Thomas Friedman Hears Voices

The most emailed story at The New York Times today, Thomas Freidman's column, "The Inflection Is Near?" is as astoundingly shallow piece of writing masquerading as deep thought. You can see why people who think they are smart love Friedman and why people who really are smart love to chide him.

"What if the crisis of 2008 represents something much more fundamental than a deep recession?" Freidman asks. "What if it’s telling us that the whole growth model we created over the last 50 years is simply unsustainable economically and ecologically and that 2008 was when we hit the wall — when Mother Nature and the market both said: 'No more.'"

Gee, what if? The sky would fall? Civilization would collapse? The American Heartland would be overrun by radioactive zombies? At the very least, people might stop reading columnists who pose hypothetical questions about the Armageddon.

The thrust of the piece is, basically, that humans must change their profligate ways, or else. Or else what? Friedman quotes Paul Gilding, an "Australian environmental business expert" who says we have entered "The Great Disruption." That, Friedman says, is when "both Mother Nature and Father Greed have hit the wall at once."

What does that mean? No one says, exactly. But it sure sounds bad, doesn't it? Generally tghe idea is that we are running out of food, water, air and land. Other than that, however, things are going great.

This an almost perfect Friedman column, really. He offers scary statistics on stuff like deforestation and over-fished fisheries, makes sweeping pronouncements about the need for vast and immediate change, yet offers nothing in the way of specifics.

Wait. We take that back. He does say that "economies need to transition to the concept of net-zero." Meaning, basically, buildings should be designed to generate as much energy as they use. A fine idea, but not exactly a remaking of Western Civilization.

The underlying idea here is what's disturbing. Of course, humanity needs to change. We always have and will. But Friedman isn't content to argue that we must change for the sake of "future generations," itself a dubious idea, being based on something that's impossible to predict. Rather, he says, we must change because our abundance somehow angers the planet. Cryptically warning that "Mother Nature doesn't do bailouts," Friedman twice describes Mother Nature as having "hit a wall." This, apparently, means Mother Nature is mad at human beings and has decided to punish us for our sins in some vague, but terrible way. Funny. You would think that Mother Nature might have better things to do than worry about humans and our troubles, and could care less if the planet is filled with people or cockroaches. Not so.

Hey, we are all for new ways of doing things. We want a cleaner planet, too. What's annoying here isn't the call for change, but the pseudo-religious justification used for it. Friedman is purporting to speak for the planet itself, and in doing so ascribes a moral significance to consumption that he deems wasteful. In this world, carbon emissions are not just a problem. They're practically a sin. That kind of thing always makes us shudder.

But don't worry. Friedman has all the tools of grace. "Let’s grow by creating flows rather than plundering more stocks."

Oh. Okay. No problem, dude. We'll get right on that.