Let's face it. We all suspected for long time that Christian Bale was a jerk. No one really cares besides fanboys as the Grinder proved here. The clip of Bale throwing a tantrum won't define his career, any more than Russell Crowe was defined by throwing a cell phone at a hotel desk clerk. But we sure do get a kick it of it. Here's our look at the best (by which we mean the worst ) of celebrity meltdowns. At least, that is, the ones we know about.
Casey Kasem does not like talking about dead dogs.
In this all-time classic, the disc jockey and cartoon voice of Shaggy on 'Scooby-Doo' famously goes ballistic about having to do sad dedications after upbeat songs.
What Makes It Awesome:
The leisurely build up. Unlike most tantrums, Kasem doesn't start with an explosion and tail off. He slowly builds, making himself madder and madder the more thinks about the indignities he suffers.
What Makes It Suck:
Like anyone you know actually listens to 'America's Top 40.' Is that thing even still on the air?
Lilly Tomlin and David O Russell don't get along on the set of "I Heart Huckabees"
What Makes It Awesome:
In addition to being entertaining, the clip shows more about moviemaking than any of that "backstage access" crap they have as DVD extras. Namely, this shows how a film with massive studio support and a fantastic cast can go completely down the crapper.
What Makes It Suck:
The film, even though it bombed, had the unfortunate side-effect of bringing the expression "I heart…(fill in the blank)" into the American lexicon. As in "I heart pancakes." No one needs that.
Michael Richards Does Not Improvise Well
During one of his rare and ill-advised forays into stand-up comedy, "Kramer" got into a screaming match with his audience, started spewing racist invective and stormed off stage.
What Makes It Awesome:
Everything. Even someone as crazy as Andy Kaufman, who deliberately picked fights with audiences, knew that using the n-word was off limits. The Richards incident was also kind of tipping point for cell-phone video, when people realized how powerful the combination of YouTube and a cellphone cameras woould become.
What Makes It Suck:
For a while, watching Seinfeld reruns sucked because it's hard to separate the character from the actor. Like, when was the last time you settled in for an episode of "Hogan's Heroes" and didn't cringe when you saw Bob Crane? Come to think of it, when was the last time you settled in for an episode of "Hogan's Heroes," a show with possibly the worst premise of any sitcom in the history of American television. Let's see if got this straight: It's 1964, the pain of Nazi atrocities is still fresh, and someone pitches a sitcom that's set in a German POW camp?
Oh, it gets weirder. Much of the cast was Jewish. The characters of "Colonel Klink" and "Sergeant Schultz" were played by actors whose families fled the Nazis and "LeBeau" lost his whole family at in the camps.
Wait. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, celebrity meltdowns.
Alec Baldwin is not Ward Cleaver.
The doyenne at NBC's "30 Rock" got a summer's worth of bad press when a recording came out of him berating his then 11-year-old daughter.
What Makes It Awesome:
Not much, unless you have bratty daughter.
What Makes It Suck:
Frankly, Baldwin got bad rap. Sure, he embarrassed himself. There's no excuse for speaking that way to a child, even if she is a thoughtless little pig. But there are plenty of good parents who've said worse stuff. Besides, the other rants on the list were done in the open, in front of people. Baldwin's was a suspiciously "leaked" recording from a private voice-mail during a nasty divorce.
Chris Berman Doesn't Like People in His Sightlines
America's best known sportscaster needs a moment. Or ten.
What Makes It Awesome:
Berman, who lapsed into pompous self-parody a long time ago, has never met a pun he didn't like.
What Makes It Suck:
Really? It wasn't that bad. Someone screwed up and he got mad. But we still can't stand him.
Bill O'Reilly Does Not Know What "Play Us Out " Means
What Makes It Awesome:
For sheer, raw intensity, nobody beats Papa Bear.
What Makes It Suck:
Like this was a big scandal. The guy goes into a spittle-spewing rage two or three times a week like clockwork. It's part of his job.
And, finally, the most recent addition to the pantheon...
Christian Bale is very, very tough.
That Director of Photography gets it in the set of T4.
What Makes It Awesome:
Many things. Bale's use of several different accents, often within the same sentence displays his amazing versatility as actor. Do you think Bale even knows what his "real" voice sounds like?
What Makes It Suck:
There's no video. What? No one on the set had a camera phone?
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
THE DAILY GRINDER : BALE-ING OUT
The Christian Bale temper tantrum has already been a blast. The clip wasn't out for 24 hours before Letterman and Colbert were doing bits, and a disco remix blew up on YouTube. What's remarkable about the story, though, isn't that Christian Bale has a temper, but the intensity of the public's reaction to it.Sure, some people are defending Bale; claiming he's just very intense and was "blowing off steam." That's the movie studio's story, anyway, and they're sticking to it. Yesterday, an assistant director on "T4" was dispatched to assure that public that Bale is "not usually" such a colossal blowhard. High praise indeed.
But most people are reveling in Bale's meltdown and it's easy to see why. First, there is the unenlightened, but undeniable gut-level reaction that Bale deserves a public chiding simply because he is more handsome and talented than any man ought to be. It seems unfair, somehow, for one guy to have all that going for him. Even more annoying is that he doesn't seem all that grateful for all his looks and talent. People who have everything in life like he does are much more tolerable when they exhibit at least some sense of knowing how privileged they truly are. Bale, as Ann Richards once said of the elder George Bush, acts like a man born on third-base who thinks he hit a triple.
That's why no one was too surprised by his preening on-the-set outburst. (By comparison, imagine the shock of hearing the same kind of tirade from Steve Carell or Tom Hanks.) The incident on the set of "T4," plus last summer's alleged shouting match with his mother, only confirms what the public already suspected; Bale is kind of a douchebag. In fact, from "American Psycho" onward, and especially since getting to play Batman, Bale seems to have deliberately cultivated an air of distance, if not outright disdain for the press and public. Have you ever seen Christian Bale smile when he wasn't being paid for it? Neither have we.
The problem isn't that Bale, like so many douchebags before him, thinks that being an artist means he has license to be an asshole. It's that Bale seems to fundamentally misunderstand the role he is trying to play in life. Which, you know, is kind of ironic for an actor.
Bale might like to think of himself as purely a thespian, but the film stardom he chased and won demands more than merely wearing costumes and emoting on cue. Part of the bargain that celebrities make is that the public gets to vicariously experience the ups and downs of their exaggerated lives. That what makes the guys on "Entourage" more interesting than any of Mark Wahlberg's film roles, and why Angelina Jolie is a star despite having made precisely one watchable movie in her entire career. No one cares what she does in front of a camera, so long as she keeps us entertained in the tabloids. Bale has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want fans anywhere near his real self; whatever sort of "real self" a child star and scion of circus performers might have.
Fans will forgive movie stars for almost anything. Ask Robert Downey Jr.. Ask Jack Nicholson about the night Roman Polanski stopped by. But fans won't forgive an actor who disdains his public.
No one expects movie stars to be nice all the time. The job requires a vast ego and an almost unlimited capacity for self-indulgence. But the public does demand that movie stars go to the trouble of pretending to be nice; of at least paying lip-service to fans "who make it all possible." Just like ballplayers have to spout boilerplate about "doing what's best for the team" you don’t have to mean it, but you do have to say it aloud. Bale has to understand that his job doesn't stop just because a director days "cut."
As a form of karmic justice, the actor will now have to spend the next several years answering questions about his temper, which you know is going to piss him off. If he can survive and reinvent himself, he will end up like Sean Penn; the former brat who's beloved. If he can't hack it, he will either "quit" show business, ala' Joaquin Phoenix, or will watch his career slide into ignominy like Val Kilmer; the other Batman who got a rep for being a jerk. Whatever happens, it sure looks like it will be fun to watch.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Grinder 2.04.09
BABEWATCH: Jessica Biel
Jessica Biel is going to fulfill every fanboy's fantasy this Saturday by hosting the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' Scientific and Technical Awards; aka "the Nerd Oscars." If you actually know who is nominated for best special effects in a short feature, this broadcast is for you. If not, and who could blame you, just check out Jessica here.
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THE DAILY GRINDER: Musing on Power
After two years of preaching about "tough choices," and promising not to hire lobbyists, flacks and partisan insiders, Obama's first two weeks have been a bummer. Mostly we've watched him hiring lobbyists, flacks and partisan insiders. But we're willing to cut the guy some slack, because anyone can have screw-ups during the appointment process. The Clintons sure did. Besides, you can't run Washington DC with a team of nuns and Boy Scouts, lobbyists, flacks and partisan insiders are the only ones who know how to get things done. Anyway, it was refreshing to hear a President freely admit he made a mistake nominating Tom Daschle.
Obama's real first test, his "you only get once chance to make first impression" moment, is what he does on the economic stimulus package. The bill, as the House wrote it, it is a disaster, a license to print money for four years with more pork than a state fair. If Obama signs a bill even remotely approaching that monstrosity drawn by the House, he will dash, in one fell swoop, the two years of faith he built with the vital center which swept him to office. If he passes a better bill, he's a hero. Never being ones to dismiss a good conspiracy theory, we are growing more convinced each day that Obama actually wanted a bad stimulus bill, so he could get the glory for fixing it.
Not to get super-wonky on you, but Politico.com reported that Rep. Jim Cooper (D-TN), one of the only House Democrats to vote against the stimulus package, said he got "some quiet encouragement from the Obama folks for what I’m doing." In other words, Obama wants to ride in and save the day. Give up a few things he doesn't care about to get most of what he does and using his unwitting "allies" in Congress to do it.
Whatever you think of Obama's policies, there's no question he understand the machinations of politics. A guy doesn't show up in Chicago knowing nobody and get to the White House without knowing how to pull the levers of power.
On the subject of an auspicious rise to power, how weird was it to see Sarah Palin before the Super Bowl? A remarkable creature, Palin. Even more remarkable is how the inflamed passions of the election season have faded, at least they have for the self-described feminists that we watched the game with.
During the election, these same ladies had called Palin an anti-abortion extremist, creationist homophobe who makes rape victims pay for their own medical exams and wants Alaska to secede from the Union. Sunday their only reaction to seeing the governor was saying that she looked good with her hair down.
We love Sarah Palin because she stirs so much passion, for and against. The wildly differing reactions to Palin expose the front lines of America's kulturkamph. Palin is a rebuke to the NPR/New York Times/CBS News brand of heterodoxy that defines liberalism in American as not only a set of political positions, but an array of lifestyle choices, cultural reference points. Just ask Ashley Judd. Palin is the product of an America in which self-reliance and backwoods prowess are still seen as virtues; where instinct and life experiences are more important than "book learning," and where Harvard degrees inspire mistrust along with admiration.
She may be inarticulate, the way TV defines it. She ultimately couldn't give America a reason to vote for McCain -- though that was really the Senator's job. But she is not the embodiment of evil her detractors pretend, and she certainly isn't stupid . Nobody goes from runner-up in a beauty pageant to governor of a state by being dumb.
Also, her hair looks good down.
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JOCKSNIFFING
We are getting tremendous satisfaction watching the kerfluffle over NBC sideline reporter Alex Flanagan quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald before the Super Bowl. Flanigan, to her eternal shame, hauled out the old Fitzgerald line about "no second acts in American lives" in reference to the career of Kurt Warner. The next day, two sportswriters, Pete Dougherty of the Albany Times Union and Ted Cox of the Chicago Daily Herald, slammed Flanagan. She was subsequently defended by Keith Olbermann.
Dougherty and Cox were right to criticize Flanigan, of course, but they did it for the wrong reasons. The problem isn't that Flanigan was being pretentious by quoting Fitzgerald, but that the "no second acts" line is the lamest way to start a story in all of journalism. Not only is the lead breathlessly trite, but it's flat-out wrong to quote in that context.
Fitzgerald wasn't saying there is no such thing as a comeback in America and all American lives are one-act plays. He was saying that American lives skip from the first act to the third. In theater, the first act of a play introduces the main conflict, the second act exacerbates it, and the third act is for climax and resolution. Fitzgerald was saying that American lives skip from the first to third act; from conflict to resolution -- a sentiment which might be expressed more bluntly as "cut to the chase." It's a shock that Olbermann, who is nothing if not a intellectual snob, doesn't realize that.
With the NBA nearing the midway point of the interminable regular season, it is almost time for the causal fan to start paying attention to the league. Almost. So here's is our little breakdown on the season so far: The Celtics are good and will get better if the Knicks let Stephon Marbury go to Boston. The Lakers are the class of the Western Conference. They looked like a lock to get back to the Finals before they lost Andrew Bynum for two (or three) months. Now they will be challenged in the West by… Um… Well, maybe the Lakers still look like a lock to get back to the Finals. There's no way San Antonio has another run left. Dirk Nowitski will never get a ring because David Stern hates Mark Cuban. In Denver Chauincey Billups and Kenyon Martin and banged up. What else? Let's see, the Pistons and Spurs are too old, the Cavs are too young, Dwight Howard will be the MVP and the Seattle Sonics went to Oklahoma to die. The only really exciting news is that the NBA added a H-O-R-S-E competition to the All-Star Weekend, to go with the three-pointer and dunk contests.
Citigroup's $400 million deal for naming rights to the Mets' new stadium has become a massive PR problem ever since Citi got money in the first round of bailouts. Since basically, the American people now own naming rights to the new stadium, we should be the ones to name it. Type your suggestions in the comment boxes. All we can come up with so far is "Taxpayer Stadium," "Bailout Field" and the "Henry J. Paulson Memorial Ballpark & Soup Kitchen."
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THE DAILY TUNE: "Bad Reputation" by Thin Lizzy
The mighty, mighty Thin Lizzy, is best known for the classic rock radio staple "The Boys Are Back in Town." Formed in Dublin in 1969 by bassist, singer and songwriter Phil Lynott, Thin Lizzy included members from both sides of the Irish border, Catholic and Protestant, and Lynott himself was a rarity, being a successful black man in hard rock. This video above is "Bad Reputation" the title track of the band's eighth studio album and it shows Lynott's sandpaper-perfect rock voice in all it's whiskey and heroin-soaked glory.
Today we are going to be self-indulgent and throw two tunes at you. Thin Lizzy could do ballads too, kids. Listen to the first 30 seconds of the video below; 1981's "Renegade," and how it anticipates the beat and textures of what would define 80's music.
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LOL: Don't Follow Me
A police officer was staking out a popular bar district, scouting for DUI violations. Around last call, the cop saw a guy stumble out of a bar, trip on the curb and almost fall again getting into his car. The cop watched the man sit in his front seat, fumbling with his keys and smoking while all the other patrons drove away.
Finally, the man started his engine. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the police officer pulled him over, read him his rights and administered a breathalyzer test to see how plastered the guy was. The reading came back 0.0. The man was totally sober.
The officer demanded to know how that could be.
The suddenly lucid driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Jessica Biel is going to fulfill every fanboy's fantasy this Saturday by hosting the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' Scientific and Technical Awards; aka "the Nerd Oscars." If you actually know who is nominated for best special effects in a short feature, this broadcast is for you. If not, and who could blame you, just check out Jessica here.
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THE DAILY GRINDER: Musing on Power
After two years of preaching about "tough choices," and promising not to hire lobbyists, flacks and partisan insiders, Obama's first two weeks have been a bummer. Mostly we've watched him hiring lobbyists, flacks and partisan insiders. But we're willing to cut the guy some slack, because anyone can have screw-ups during the appointment process. The Clintons sure did. Besides, you can't run Washington DC with a team of nuns and Boy Scouts, lobbyists, flacks and partisan insiders are the only ones who know how to get things done. Anyway, it was refreshing to hear a President freely admit he made a mistake nominating Tom Daschle.
Obama's real first test, his "you only get once chance to make first impression" moment, is what he does on the economic stimulus package. The bill, as the House wrote it, it is a disaster, a license to print money for four years with more pork than a state fair. If Obama signs a bill even remotely approaching that monstrosity drawn by the House, he will dash, in one fell swoop, the two years of faith he built with the vital center which swept him to office. If he passes a better bill, he's a hero. Never being ones to dismiss a good conspiracy theory, we are growing more convinced each day that Obama actually wanted a bad stimulus bill, so he could get the glory for fixing it.
Not to get super-wonky on you, but Politico.com reported that Rep. Jim Cooper (D-TN), one of the only House Democrats to vote against the stimulus package, said he got "some quiet encouragement from the Obama folks for what I’m doing." In other words, Obama wants to ride in and save the day. Give up a few things he doesn't care about to get most of what he does and using his unwitting "allies" in Congress to do it.
Whatever you think of Obama's policies, there's no question he understand the machinations of politics. A guy doesn't show up in Chicago knowing nobody and get to the White House without knowing how to pull the levers of power.
On the subject of an auspicious rise to power, how weird was it to see Sarah Palin before the Super Bowl? A remarkable creature, Palin. Even more remarkable is how the inflamed passions of the election season have faded, at least they have for the self-described feminists that we watched the game with.
During the election, these same ladies had called Palin an anti-abortion extremist, creationist homophobe who makes rape victims pay for their own medical exams and wants Alaska to secede from the Union. Sunday their only reaction to seeing the governor was saying that she looked good with her hair down.
We love Sarah Palin because she stirs so much passion, for and against. The wildly differing reactions to Palin expose the front lines of America's kulturkamph. Palin is a rebuke to the NPR/New York Times/CBS News brand of heterodoxy that defines liberalism in American as not only a set of political positions, but an array of lifestyle choices, cultural reference points. Just ask Ashley Judd. Palin is the product of an America in which self-reliance and backwoods prowess are still seen as virtues; where instinct and life experiences are more important than "book learning," and where Harvard degrees inspire mistrust along with admiration.
She may be inarticulate, the way TV defines it. She ultimately couldn't give America a reason to vote for McCain -- though that was really the Senator's job. But she is not the embodiment of evil her detractors pretend, and she certainly isn't stupid . Nobody goes from runner-up in a beauty pageant to governor of a state by being dumb.
Also, her hair looks good down.
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JOCKSNIFFINGWe are getting tremendous satisfaction watching the kerfluffle over NBC sideline reporter Alex Flanagan quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald before the Super Bowl. Flanigan, to her eternal shame, hauled out the old Fitzgerald line about "no second acts in American lives" in reference to the career of Kurt Warner. The next day, two sportswriters, Pete Dougherty of the Albany Times Union and Ted Cox of the Chicago Daily Herald, slammed Flanagan. She was subsequently defended by Keith Olbermann.
Dougherty and Cox were right to criticize Flanigan, of course, but they did it for the wrong reasons. The problem isn't that Flanigan was being pretentious by quoting Fitzgerald, but that the "no second acts" line is the lamest way to start a story in all of journalism. Not only is the lead breathlessly trite, but it's flat-out wrong to quote in that context.
Fitzgerald wasn't saying there is no such thing as a comeback in America and all American lives are one-act plays. He was saying that American lives skip from the first act to the third. In theater, the first act of a play introduces the main conflict, the second act exacerbates it, and the third act is for climax and resolution. Fitzgerald was saying that American lives skip from the first to third act; from conflict to resolution -- a sentiment which might be expressed more bluntly as "cut to the chase." It's a shock that Olbermann, who is nothing if not a intellectual snob, doesn't realize that.
With the NBA nearing the midway point of the interminable regular season, it is almost time for the causal fan to start paying attention to the league. Almost. So here's is our little breakdown on the season so far: The Celtics are good and will get better if the Knicks let Stephon Marbury go to Boston. The Lakers are the class of the Western Conference. They looked like a lock to get back to the Finals before they lost Andrew Bynum for two (or three) months. Now they will be challenged in the West by… Um… Well, maybe the Lakers still look like a lock to get back to the Finals. There's no way San Antonio has another run left. Dirk Nowitski will never get a ring because David Stern hates Mark Cuban. In Denver Chauincey Billups and Kenyon Martin and banged up. What else? Let's see, the Pistons and Spurs are too old, the Cavs are too young, Dwight Howard will be the MVP and the Seattle Sonics went to Oklahoma to die. The only really exciting news is that the NBA added a H-O-R-S-E competition to the All-Star Weekend, to go with the three-pointer and dunk contests.
Citigroup's $400 million deal for naming rights to the Mets' new stadium has become a massive PR problem ever since Citi got money in the first round of bailouts. Since basically, the American people now own naming rights to the new stadium, we should be the ones to name it. Type your suggestions in the comment boxes. All we can come up with so far is "Taxpayer Stadium," "Bailout Field" and the "Henry J. Paulson Memorial Ballpark & Soup Kitchen."
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THE DAILY TUNE: "Bad Reputation" by Thin LizzyThe mighty, mighty Thin Lizzy, is best known for the classic rock radio staple "The Boys Are Back in Town." Formed in Dublin in 1969 by bassist, singer and songwriter Phil Lynott, Thin Lizzy included members from both sides of the Irish border, Catholic and Protestant, and Lynott himself was a rarity, being a successful black man in hard rock. This video above is "Bad Reputation" the title track of the band's eighth studio album and it shows Lynott's sandpaper-perfect rock voice in all it's whiskey and heroin-soaked glory.
Today we are going to be self-indulgent and throw two tunes at you. Thin Lizzy could do ballads too, kids. Listen to the first 30 seconds of the video below; 1981's "Renegade," and how it anticipates the beat and textures of what would define 80's music.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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LOL: Don't Follow MeA police officer was staking out a popular bar district, scouting for DUI violations. Around last call, the cop saw a guy stumble out of a bar, trip on the curb and almost fall again getting into his car. The cop watched the man sit in his front seat, fumbling with his keys and smoking while all the other patrons drove away.
Finally, the man started his engine. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the police officer pulled him over, read him his rights and administered a breathalyzer test to see how plastered the guy was. The reading came back 0.0. The man was totally sober.
The officer demanded to know how that could be.
The suddenly lucid driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The Grinder 2.03.09
BABEWATCHOur own Kendra Wilkinson, now all of 23, will be getting her own reality series. The show, tentatively titled "Kendra," will follow Kendra as she lives life outside of the Mansion and prepares for her wedding to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett.
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DAILY GRINDER: Declaring VictoryThe Grinder is getting pretty pissed at how the media is covering the elections in Iraq. Namely, how the media hasn't been interested covering the elections in Iraq. While the US has been obsessing over bailouts, and whether Obama's cabinet nominees have tax problems, millions of Iraqis went to the polls in elections that were absolutely extraordinary for being routine. Dull politics in Baghdad? That is a huge, huge deal. But did you see even one picture of an Iraqi voter with the telltale purple finger last week? Neither did we.
Certainly, good news always get under-reported. "A plane landed as scheduled" isn't going to raise ratings. But there's another dynamic at work here. Most people who work in media lean left, which is not a big secret, and most people on the left like to claim they opposed the war "from the start," by which they often mean "since things went south after the invasion."
The success in Iraq (finally!) leaves anti-war people in the unenviable position of either ignoring the good news or having to admit that George Bush was not always wrong, about everything, all the time. Most media people seem to have chosen the former, as Iraq has virtually vanished since thing started improving.
Frankly, it takes a very cynical person to be so wrapped up in the idea of being "right" about the war that they don't get excited about the prospect of a successful democracy in the Persian Gulf.
Certainly, there will be more violence in the short term and nothing is promised. Iraq may one day fragment, especially if the Kurds insist on statehood. But there is no denying that the seeds of liberal democratic capitalism have taken root. The Iraqis, to paraphrase Ben Franklin, have a republic and the question is if they can keep it.
If they do, the United States will have delivered an utterly devastating blow to Islamic radicals; militarily, politically and culturally. Across the Arab/Muslim world, young people will see in Iraq that they can live without tyrants and theocracy, martyrs and the veil. It's possible, or at least conceivable, that our grandchildren will never know a war-ravaged Middle East, just as most people alive today have never known a Europe that was anything but peaceful.
As more people realize that hope exists in Iraq, it will be fun to watch all those supported ousting Saddam Hussein in 2002 and changed when the occupation went bad, will change back to having thought it the war was the right choice all along. If the world does see a flourishing Iraq, it will shudder to think what would have happened if we merely "contained"Saddam for a decade or two. That was the plan proffered before the invasion by the current White House occupant.
Sometime in the next couple of years, in fact, Obama will probably make a speech welcoming the bulk of American troops home from Iraq, not only with honor, but with something that feels lot like winning. It might be the first time in American history that a president gives a victory speech for a war he was elected for opposing.
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JOCKCKSNIFFER: Cleaning Up After the Super Bowl, Kobe's freakout.Yesterday, in totally awesome and hysterical news, we learned that Super Bowl viewers in Tucson, AZ saw about thirty seconds of porn when their live game feed was interrupted by a clip from an adult channel. The cable company, Comcast, says they are "looking for an explanation."
Given that this happened in Arizona, and right after Larry Fitzgerald's massive fourth quarter touchdown, we can only assume that the explanation is a hugely successful prank, most likely perpetrated by a Steelers fan living in Tucson. We'll keep an eye on the story, though it's likely anyone smart enough to pull off this gem is also smart enough not to get caught.
An NBC affiliate in Detroit took the unusual step of using the news scroll at the bottom on the screen to insult one of their network's Super Bowl analysts. Then again, it was Matt Millen, who just finished his disastrous reign as Lions' team president with an unprecedented 0-16 record. You can see why Detroit fans would not be thrilled to hear "football insight" from the guy who devastated their franchise for the better part of a decade.
In case you've been tripping acid in an isolation chamber, you heard that Kobe Bryant went off on the Knicks last night in Madison Square Garden. Maybe he was showing how the Lakers would do without Andrew Bynum Maybe Kobe just likes to show off in New York City. Maybe we are totally full of spit, and Kobe wasn't thinking anything more than "ball, basket, score," like a jazz musician who doesn't plan what note he'll play. Bryant hit everything scoring 61, treating the Knicks defense like Christian Bale treats an underling. He drove to the hoop. He hit fifteen-footers high, high off glass. He dunked from left and right, and dribbled though double and sometimes triple teams for layups. Ridiculous. Here's a montage of the destruction. (As always, be sure to click the link that lets you watch in HD. Always)
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THE DAILY TUNE: "Teenage Rampage," by SweetToday we are looking at Sweet, one of the most kickass glam bands of the 70's; rivaling Queen in musicianship and Elton John in sartorial splendor. In this live version of "Teenage Rampage" you'll recognize the same distinctive vocal style as their biggest US bit, "Ballroom Blitz."
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LOL: "...I'd Rather Be In Philadelphia"Anybody can find humor in sex, politics and airline food. Only those with a truly well-developed sense of humor can laugh at death. Which is why we don't find these weird tombstones the least bit funny. On a side note, has anyone ever seen that part of the movie "Tombstone," where some of the town fathers are discussing the best way to help the town grow? Here's an idea: Don't call your city, "Tombstone."
As far as we know, every one of these unusual grave are real.
Is this because the guy had a favorite chair that looked like this one? Because that's cool in an Archie Bunker-ish sort of way. But if the idea is that people are supposed to sit and contemplate mortality or something, we are more than little freaked out.
In 1884 Charles-Joseph Pigeon invented the Pigeon lamp, a non-exploding gasoline lamp. It made him famous and wealthy enough to build this grave in Paris, with life-sized bronze sculpture himself and his wife in bed overlooked by an angel. The angel is cool, but it would have been cooler in they were watched over by a statue of Elvis.
We know absolutely nothing about Scott Silva except for what we see here. But it's enough to tell us that we would have liked him.
It'd hard to tell prom the photo if this is really a dog's headstone. at the very least we doubt that the wok story is true.
Wild guess? This Paul G. Lind was a huge fan of the board game "Boggle." Wait... What now?
Yup, it's real. It's in New Jersey somehwere. Hey, the man liked his Mercedes. You can't fault a guy for brand loyalty.
Sal had the right idea here, didn't he? Awesome. The question now is what would be the right symbol on the tomb of the World's Greatest Blogger? How does this sound? A marble sculpture of an open laptop with the playboy logo on the screen.Perfect. Now we just have to settle on a epitaph. This is a Grinder Poll. Leave a comment to let us know which one works best.
This..
.
Or this...
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Grinder 2.02.09
It's Groundhog Day, which is fine. Unless you are reading this blog entry for the hundredth time in a row because you keep living the same day over and over again. In that case, we suggest being nicer to Andie McDowell. In Punxsutawney, PA, near Pittsburgh, famed rodent Punxsutawney Phil emerged just after dawn from Gobbler's Knob and quickly scampered back in. Either he saw his shadow, so we'll have six more weeks of winter or he was put off by the roughly 13,000 Steeler fans in attendance, who had either gotten up early or, more likely, had been up all night.Textual Healing
Who else is sick to death of the drumbeat about the bad economy? Yes, the housing bubble burst and the stock market crashed. But all this "emergency," "meltdown," and "worst ____ since Great Depression" talk is starting to get on teh Grinder's nerves. Frank Rich, ever the snob, said in yesterday's in the New York Times that McDonald's and Wal-Mart doing well means the "Armageddon" is upon us. Right. Like Frank Rich has ever set foot inside a Wal-Mart.
We are getting the sense that Congress and the White House, aided by a pliant media, are hyping this economic clusterfuck to gain support for their gargantuan "stimulus" package. We were promised roads and bridges. Instead, the bill passed by the house last week would spend $545 billion that we don't have on stuff like digital TV converter box coupons and renovating Amtrak. You may be a big fan of both, but there's no way funding should be part of an "emergency" spending bill.
What we are really pissed about is that the government's whole response to the crash, under Bush and Obama, seems geared maintaining the status quo. Whether it's propping up dying financial institutions and car companies, or sending federal money to states so they can keep paying bureaucrats, everything has been done to prevent change, not bring it
Here is how a recovery happens. A husband and wife had an idea for a new kind of vibrator they called the "We Vibe". When they both got laid off from tech giant Nortel, they decided to develop and sell the new sex toy. Now businesses is booming. So, Nortel got more efficient. The couple is making money and the public gets a new product. Voila! Free markets at work. Everyone wins. And none of this would've happened if the government had bailed out the tech company.
The Senate is to take up the stimulus plan this week. We considered the possibility that Obama is such a political genius that he asked Democrats to purposely submit a totally unacceptable bill which would allow him to make a great show of comprising later. We hope that's the idea, anyway. But that's probably asking for too much.
Oh by the way, Iraq had national elections, the country's first in four years, "remarkable for the absence of serious attacks." Ho-hum.
Indictments will be served on five South African men accused of gunning down three bar patrons after an argument over penis size. An officer, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the white man went to the toilet and an the Indian followed him. While in the urinal, the Indian said his penis was bigger than the white guy's. The white man left the urinal and told his friends what happened and "the argument started." No kidding?
Here's our advice: Don't follow a guy into the bathroom unless you aspire to be George Michael. If you do follow a guy into the bathroom, don't look at his member. If you do look, don't say anything. If you say something, make it about sport... You get the idea. The behavior doesn't excuse the brutality of the response. Of course not. Still, it's pretty easy to see where this night went wrong.
JOCKSNIFFINGDoes anybody remember when it was fashionable to complain that the Super Bowl "is always a blowout."? Neither do we. The Colts beat the Bears badly and the Bucs ruined the Raiders. But every other game in the 21 century has been close in the 4th quarter. Yesterday's was no exception. Sure, we get mad about the hype before and after, and over the endless delays between plays that kill the flow of the game. We could also note that the NFL's Instant Replay system, with its endless, soul-crushing "not reviewable, but only in the last two minutes of the game; provided the host city is in Florida and we don't run out of little red flags" provisos, remains one of the clunkiest, most needlessly convoluted set of rules in sports. Ah, well. At least they got rid of that laughingstock, peep show/ replay booth on the sideline.
Anyway, why should we nitpick? The game was a thriller, three-plus hours with all the grace and savagery and technocratic excess that make pro football America's favorite game. Despite what hype-prone blowhards on talk radio may be saying, the game was far too sloppy, with too many dumb penalties, to be considered one of the all-time best. But XLIII was still a dazzling showcase for the NFL, and, not incidentally, a healthy morale boost for the nation.
Deadspin's Will Leitch is an Arizona Cardinals fan. He grew up in western Illinois, rooting for St. Louis teams. Why did Will keep his Cardinals allegiance when they left for Phoenix and were rplace dby the Rams? We've got no clue. But Will writes that the close loss yesterday in Tampa has initiated Arizona fans into the brotherhood of true sports suffering. Now fans of the heretofore laughable team have charcter; "real pain" that "feels good" because it is "raw, and throbbing, and palpable."
Ummm... What? Throbbing and raw? Will, man. That's just… gross. Please promise that you'll never, ever try to write porn.
Oh, there was other sports news yesterday, mainly that Michael Phelps smokes weed.
Finally, Rahal-Letterman Racing says they may miss the 2009 IndyCar season if they can't find a sponsor, leaving Bobby Rahal and David Letterman out of the sport for the first time in years. The Grinder has our Top Ten (of course) Reasons Why Rahal-Letterman Racing won't be racing in the 2009 IndyCar season...
10. Dave scares people by always wearing one of those driver jumpsuits.
9. The team is still hurting that Danica left for another team -- and then won her first race.
8. Main sponsor Worldwide Pants just lost billions in a global zipper scandal.
7. Dave would rather do something more environmentally conscious than racing; like fly back and forth to Montana every weekend in a private plane.
6. IndyCar? Is that the one with Dale Junior?
5. Bobby's son, Graham, won't drive for RLR. For free.
4. Those ethanol-burning engines smell to much like burnt popcorn.
3. Dave is too busy entertaining America each and every night to think about anything as frivolous as racecars.
2. Paul Schaefer gets the pit crew totally baked before every race.
And the top reason why Rahal-Letterman won't be competing in IndyCar this season is (drum roll)…
1. Because Dave always wants to ride in the backseat.
The Daily Tune: Not Fade Away
Tomorrow is the 50th anniversary of The Day The Music Died; the terrible plane crash that killed rock pioneers Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper. Here's a little-known funfact; Waylon Jennings, who played bass for Buddy Holly on his last tour, gave up a seat on the ill-fated plane.
Holly recorded this demo of "Slippin´ and Slidin´" in his New York apartment in January 1959, just weeks before his death. The song was overdubbed in 1968 and released the next year on the LP, Giant.
BabeWatch: Maggie Grace
She broke out in 2004 playing Shannon Rutherford on "Lost" until she was killed midway through Season 2. That is, the character Shannon got killed. Not Maggie Grace. She went on to make movies, one with Liam Neeson, who doesn't suck, and Famke Janssen, who is crazy hot despite having man hands. They are in "Taken," the new thriller that opened this weekend and knocked "Paul Blart" from the box office top spot. In the movie, she is kidnapped to be sold as a sex slave. That is, her character, Kim is. Maggie's just fine, as you can see here.
LOL
This brilliant prankster in Texas put one of those giant, blinking road signs to good use. Folks, we have our first candidate for 2009 Prank of the Year.
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