Celebratin'... Pink

We love Pink; her husky contralto and wheels-on-fire, Rock n' Roll attitude. She makes authentic rock music that still has a dance-friendly sensibility. That's hard. And rare. We also love the way she pushes against the constraints of pretty-girl pop stardom. It's almost --almost-- punk rock. Besides, didn't Pink once accidentally set a house on fire because she was having drunk sex and forget she left an oven mitt on the stove? And wasn't it on Thanksgiving? You've got to admire that.


The heart-wrenching anthem of liberation from heartbreak, "Just Like a Pill," performed live on the "I'm Not Dead Tour." This is what Alanis Morisette would sound like if she had balls.


Okay, her politics are a little naïve. "Dear Mr. President" is some pretty simplistic Bush-bashing. One can wildly disagree with the outgoing President without claiming that he wants America's children going to bed hungry. But it's a lovely vocal performance nevertheless. If you can tolerate preachy musicians, click on.


"If God is a DJ," from the same, "I'm Not Dead" tour. Sure, it doesn't have the theological complexity of Augustine and Aquinas, but we've heard worse metaphors to explain the universe. Now shut up and dance.


A very odd cover of her best-known song, "Get This Party Started" performed by Shirley Bassey; the Brit famous for singing Goldfinger, Diamonds Are Forever and Moonraker

The real thing:

Hatin' On... Heeeey Poncho!

Usually in "Hatin' On…" we like to discuss the most serious issues of the day, like climate change, the economy and awesome boobs. But today we are delving into the frivolous; mere fashion. Specifically, we want to explore our blind and unrelenting hatred of a particular item of clothing -- the sartorial abomination know as the "poncho. "

The poncho, basically a bolt of cloth with a hole in the middle, is probably the single least functional item of clothing known to humankind. It has no pockets and thus no place to carry the assorted accoutrement a modern gentleman requires, such as; cell-phone wallet and an ample supply of condoms. The loose fit of the garment further provides absolutely terrible protection from the elements, letting wind and rain blow in from the sides. The billowing fabric also makes it hard to do anything with your arms and not get tangled up. Try wearing one while playing basketball and you'll see what we mean.

But the lack of functionality could be forgiven if the poncho has some value as a fashion statement. It doesn't. The poncho is a FAIL on a massive scale, providing the wearer with a shape only slightly less flattering than wearing a potato sack. This explains why the only people who wear ponchos are pseudo-hippies pretending not to care how they look, and fashionistas from lower Manhattan bent on "bringing back" crochet. As though crochet was ever hip to begin with.

LOL: Post-Christmas Blues

The Grinder is so glad that Christmas is over. That "spirit of good cheer" stuff is fun for a while, but all the gatherings, parties, food, drink and demands on our time (and bank account) can get a little old. (Now, New Year's Eve; that's what we call a good holiday.) But, in case you are feeling bad about the big holiday being over, we Googled the phrase "post-Christmas Blues" to see if we could scrape up some tips to cheer you up. We read this little blog comment when we clicked the first link that came up. Typos included.

"My boyfried in such a Grinch. He rails on and on about all the brainwashing to like Santa and the toys and hoopla is so "Americanata". After 6 years I hust started to scream at him about what a total bummer he is in front of my 2 year old daughter. From that moment on I feel depressed and low. I lost my temper and feel bad. Christmas sucks, he is right!"

See? Now, don't you feel better? Don't you feel blessed to finally be done with all that X-mas noise for another year? Besides, there's always movies to cheer you up. Or things that make fun of movies. The website Worth1000.com has an awesome collection of movie parody posters and we always love to see such fine photoshop skills on display. Like these two.

JockSniffing 12.26.2008

The hottest "sports" story on the web is that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen got engaged. We don't know why it's such a big deal that a star QB will marry a supermodel. Maybe it's just because the story gives bloggers a chance to run a gigantic photo of Gisele. The Grinder, certainly, would never stoop this kind of blatant pandering. Oh, wait. Yes we would.

On ESPN's Page 2, David Fleming expounds on his excellent ESPN the Magazine cover story about the future of football with this piece about the A-11 offense, in which all 11 players are potentially eligible to catch a pass.

Deadspin collects the wild, scurrilous and, possibly, even semi-true rumors sent to the site by their voluminous, dedicated, insider-y crew of e-mailers. Other than a weirdly un-funny Chris Berman bash to begin the peice, it's hysterically gossipy stuff.

The Toronto Globe and Mail reports that the NHL is bailing out the Phoenix Coyotes. Team owner Jerry Moyes may have lost as much as $200-million since he and former partner Steve Ellman bought the team in 2001. The Coyotes have especially struggled since 2003, when they moved from downtown Phoenix to the Jobring.com area in Glendale, across town from their wealthier, Scottsdale-area fan base.

Textual Healing 12.26.2008

The Wall Street Journal says that predictions of deeper economic gloom in 2009 may be way, way off target. Forecasts of GDP growth, says the Journal, are "grounded in the nature of past contractions and how long it took the system to begin expanding again. But none of these past patterns are necessarily a useful guide to the circumstances of today."

Mainly, the story points out that there have been no fundamental changes in our economic system; no wars, plagues, earthquakes. All the physical infrastructure that created the rich global economy is still in place and could bounce back sooner rather than later.

We, for one, always enjoy the debunking of a economic doomsday scenario. Just for fun sometime, rummage though a bookstore for old bestsellers about the economy. You'll find titles like"The Great Depression of 1990," or 1980's predictions about how the Japanese economy was going to take over the world.

Victor Davis Hanson, writing for Tribune media, looks back on 2008. If someone told you at the beginning of the year that gas would be cheap and Iraq would be stable, but Wall Street would be in a crisis mode, you would have though they were nuts.

The Wired blog has a rock awesome list of the Best Scams, Capers and Crimes of 2008. Like, for example, the guy who used an unwitting flash mob to aid him in an armored car robbery. The list is awfully fun to read, but it's logically impossible that these are truly the year's best. All of these people, after all, were busted. The really successful scammers are the ones we never hear about because they don't get caught.

Ross Douthat blogs on Atlantic Unbound about Christopher Hitchens' screed against Christmas. In a wordy sort of way, Douthat posits that the symbolic meaning of the Christmas story, it's significance in the hearts of men, matters more than historical, literal truth.

GearMania: Sony Won't Share

Gizmodo reports that Sony Style has leaked a tiny bit of info onn it's new, soon-to-be smallest notebook in the Sony line, the Sony Vaio Pocket. The "netbook" is so new that Sony won't say, or doesn't know, how much it weighs or how long the battery lasts, as witnessed by this "placeholder" image leaked online.

The book will run Vista (Really? Vista?) on a 1.33Ghz processor and, probably, be a bit over-priced like most of Sony's stuff. But the Vaio Pocket will still be worth checking out, once it's revealed at the 2009 CES, if only to see what a 1600x768 pixel, 8-inch LED back-lit screen looks like. That's bright enough to use the display as a signal light if you are lost at sea.

BabeWatch... Denise Richards

Her short-lived reality show was a train wreck that we loved to watch and she made up half of the single most famous lesbian kiss in cinematic history. But Denise Richards is our Babe of the Day because we didn't post yesterday and are still in the holiday spirit. Lest we forget, in "The World Is Not Enough," Denise played probably the least believable Bond girl ever; a hot young nuclear physicist named Dr. Christmas Jones.

Today in Sex 12.26.2008

Teens who skip breakfast in middle school tend to have sex at an earlier age than those who start the day with a good meal. This according to a government-backed Japanese medical research. The average age of first-time sex for kids who ate breakfast every day as a middle school student was 19.4. For those who skipped breakfast, the average age was 17.5.

This, of course, is a classic case of confusing correlation with causality. It isn't the food itself that keeps teens from having sex. It's the fact that loving, in-tact, supportive families tend to have meals together, and those same kinds of families tend to produce kids secure enough in themselves to wait for sex. Either that, or someone is slipping salt peter into Japanese kids' breakfast cereal.

Our own Kendra Wilkinson has set her wedding date for June 27, 2009, at the Playboy Mansion, she said at the Las Vegas launch of The Girls Next Door book. All three GND ladies are all set to get their own covers in February, with a special three-version release.

Collect all three. We will.

Brazil's Health Ministry announced it will purchase 1.2 billion condoms next year for the country's national program against AIDS. The ministry said it would be “the largest purchase of condoms in world history." The rubbers will be distributed free of charge as part of an AIDS prevention program.

Brazil, by the way, has a population of about 180 million. This means the Health Ministry is buy on a little more than one condom for every single man, women and child in the country. Expect a lot of condom-themed floats this year at Carnivale.

Celebratin'... Christmas Sappy

Okay, we know we are saps. It's hopeless. But this is our last chance in 2008 to celebrate Christmas music, so we are tossing up the all-time faves. Warning: If you refuse to listen to anything recorded in the pre-MTV era, you will not enjoy this list.



Judy Garland, with the heartbreaking, iconic song of holiday longing, "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," originally recorded for the film "Meet Me in St. Louis."



Elvis Presley with the best Yuletide rock of all time, the sultry "Merry Christmas, Baby."



Satchmo, Louis Armstrong his very own self, singing the most secular song of the season, "Winter Wonderland." Not even the ACLU could object to this one.


Bing Crosby crooning the most popular seasonal song of all-time, Irving Berlin's timeless standard,"White Christmas."

With that, we wish all our readers Happy Hanukkah/Merry Christmas/Good Solstice Fun Kwanzaa, etc., from everyone at The Grinder. Peace out, and we'll see you all on the 26th.

LOL: Reality Bites, Chews and Swallow

We're not sure if this is real, but we really, really hope it is


We're not sure if this is real either, but we really, really hope it isn't.


Who cares if this is real. We are always in favor of a good holiday wisecrack.

A woman was Christmas shopping with her three children. After hours of looking, and hearing both her children ask for everything they saw on the shelves, the woman finally made it to the elevator. While waiting, she became overwhelmed, thinking of the pressure to go to every party, taste every holiday treat, gets presents for everyone, somehow pay for it all and be sure she sends a response to everyone who sent her a card.

Finally, the elevator doors opened. There was already a crowd. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her kids with her, along with all the bulky packages. When the doors closed, she let out a big sigh and said to no one in particular, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!"

From the back of the elevator, a calm voice said, "Don't worry ma'am, I believe they crucified Him."

Textual Healing 12.24.2008

According to the National Climatic Data Center, 2008 will be America's coldest year since 1997, thanks to La Niña and precipitation in the central and eastern states. Solar quietude also may underlie global cooling. This year's sunspots and solar radiation approach the minimum in the sun's cycle, corresponding with lower Earth temperatures. This echoes Harvard-Smithsonian astrophysicist Sallie Baliunas' belief that solar variability, much more than CO2, sways global temperatures. But AP writer Seth Borenstein still says Global Warming is a "ticking time bomb" that Barack Obama can't avoid. Borenstein claims the cooling trend, "actually illustrates how fast the world is warming." Which certainly makes perfect to us. Cold is hot. Up is down. Slavery is Freedom.

Economist Bruce Bartlett in The New York Times gives a broad explanation of how the Federal Reserve can get the economy started again. If you understands that sort of thing, it's here. Thomas Friedman says America is doomed, yet also the greatest country in the world. Nobody says less more eloquently than Friedman.

Dahlia Lithwick in Slate as amusing look at what Christmas TV fare makes good watching in a Jewish home. Lithwick, raising Jewish kids in a largely Christan country is asked by her 5-year-old boy, "Mom, if Santa and Judah the Maccabee got in a fight, who would win?"

JockSniffing 12.24.2008

Seems like the sports media in general is a just little bit pissed about the Yankees signing every big free agent ever, in the history of baseball. The New York Yankees represent the very worst of America, " says Phil Sheridan of the Philadelphia Inquirer. Bob Ryan of the Boston Globe is similarly enraged. We can see why. These jerks have a gaudy, new billion-dollar stadium, built over public playgrounds no less, for which the people of New York City ponied up almost $400 million. Now they are overspending on every player in the market? In regular times, it would just feel like the Yankees were screwing up baseball again. But given that the Federal government recently had to send billions to bailout Wall Street financiers, many of whom make up the Yankees fan base, the team's overspending is particularly galling. Do you suppose any of the bailout money that went to bonuses for undeserving executives will end up paying for season tickets. 'Cause that could make taxpayers (and baseball fan) really, really mad.

David Naylor in Toronto's Globe and Mail reports that Canadian Football League star Cameron Wake is sure to play for an NFL team next year. A defensive end for the BC Lions, Wake is the first CFL player ever to be named Rookie of the Year and Defensive Player of the Year in the same season. At 6-3 and 241 lbs., the Penn State product is probably not big enough to be an every down defensive end in the NFL. Wake will most likely return to linebacker, the position he played in college, for whatever team scoops him up. Our prediction is that Cameron will be starting, not playing but starting, for an NFL come September 2009. Naylor has list of other guys who look like they might head south next year.

Late last week, W. Mark Felt, better known as Watergate snitch "Deep Throat," died. In his honor, and "in honor of whistleblowers everywhere," Hugging Harold Reynolds has the sports world's top ten biggest snitches of all time. What? No Victor Conti?

Hatin' On... Facebook

Every new tool brings with it good things and bad. Fire can cook food, but can also burn you. The computer makes life easier, but also means humanity may someday have to fight machine overlord oppressors, ala' SkyNet. Facebook, too, is a double-edged technological sword. The social networking site, which went mainstream in 2008, is simultaneously magnetic and repellent; a wonderful tool for staying in touch with loved ones and a diabolical instrument for replacing real human contact with a cold digital simulacrum. Also, at least for many guys, Facebook plays a hand in dashing our cherished illusions about girls we used to know.

On the face of it (no pun intended) Facebook is certainly usefulto facilitate genuinely social activity; like parties or nights on the town. But, all too often, the site becomes a replacement for real community rather than a builder of it; supplanting true human contact with a fake, idealized version on a flat glowing screen. Instead of people doing things together, like eating drinking, or, think of it, talking face-to-face, Facebook forces people to communicate through hastily written notes or sassy comments about each other's digital photographs.

But who cares? That's life in the early 21st Century, right? At least Facebook allows us the illusion of contact. In an age when friends and family are often scattered across a continent, the illusion is better than nothing.

But what about people you don't want to stay in touch with at all? Therein lies the crux: Facebook insidiously coerces us into having "friends" that we don't like, or possibly even know. The Facebook conundrum is an ever-expanding network of friends-of-friends that leaves you struggling to recall a name or face, trying to figure out if you have ever met the person that just "poked" you.

What's worst, though, is when you people you do know contact you and you wish they wouldn't. Like that long lost girlfriend you adored in high school who now wants to show off pictures of the three puppies she's squeezed out since graduation. There is nothing more disheartening for a man than to see a woman he once idealized all grown-up, fat, wrinkled, married and eager to tell you how her kids are doing in school. Don't these women know how badly we want to retain the illusion of our dream girl, forever 17, and not have that cherished image shattered by meeting her and her dumb husband for drinks? Sometimes, the people in your past are there for a very good reason, and in the past is precisely where they ought to stay.

GearMania: Crashing Through the Snow

When you were a kid, sledding was one of the best parts of winter. Now, even though you are grown up, it still can be. In fact, with these made-for-men, big boy sleds, shooshing down a snowy slopes has never been more fun.



Okay, maybe you can't afford a new Porsche right now. Well, not a car, anyway. Via UnCrate comes a Porsche powered by gravity instead of fossil fuels. The legendary German automaker offers a sleek sled with an aluminum frame and stainless steel runners that's almost as pretty too look at as it is fun to ride. The smart, foldable design has no moving parts and comes, of course, festooned with the Porsche logo. What's the point of having a Porsche, after all, if no one knows you've got it?



The Mad River Rocket is a kneeboard; ridden while kneeling for better sight lines and more control. A nylon lap belt holds the sled comfortably under the sledder, freeing both hands for steering, while thick foam knee pads cushion a rider’s knees from bumps and landings. Even off small jumps, these sleds have no problem doing flips, barrel-rolls and 360's. The manufacturer recommends not sledding in less than 3-inches of soft powder, so you know that the ride must be radical.



The Hammerhead Sled, using the principles that made Herman Miller's Aeron chair a touchstone of design, uses an ergonomically designed chassis to form an extension of your body. Weighing just nine pounds, the Hammerhead has a precision-engineered aluminum frame with a patented steering mechanism and features a suspension fabric seating that helps even novice riders dominate rugged terrain. Almost as awesome, the sled frame is constructed to a standard bicycle tube size that lets most bike components snap on in seconds. This means the Hammerhead can easily be tricked out with headlights, mirrors, a back-rest, a cargo net or whatever else you heart desires. Here's a sled's eye view of the Hammerhead doing what does best. Go faster.

Today in Sex 12.24.2008

Susan Alexander is mad. Writing for SFGate, the feminist is angry about sexist Christmas toys. Alexander believes that little boys should be given dolls to play with. She writes, "If toy kitchens are your chosen gift, you should let both boys and girls know that you expect them to play chef now and then."

Right. Because there is nothing that seven- or eight-year-old boys love more than playing with dolls. Nowhere in the essay, of course, does Alexander consider the possibility that sex roles aren't simply a product of parenting and other social forces, but have a basis in biological fact. The idea that most boys just plain don't like playing with dolls, and would be more likely to, say, twist their heads off and stuff the body with firecrackers apparently doesn't occur to her.

It's turns out that recession makes you horny. The pleasure industry is one of the few retail sectors to end the year with a smile. Many lingerie and sex toy retailers are reporting big sales and condom kings Durex reported revenues for November were up from last year. A report in the Financial Times detailed how London's laid-off or frustrated bankers are flocking to "Encounters," a site for arranging extramarital affairs.

The economic logic behind the bedroom boom is simple: Sex is cheap. Wait, that sounded wrong. That is, in a economic downturn people don't go out as much. They stay home and knock boots. It's not only inexpensive, it's also reassuring. In uncertain times, people want a real, human connection. Sex is about the best way to get it.

A 29-year-old Springfield, MO man faces 17 felony counts of invasion of privacy for allegedly videotaping females after talking them into weighing themselves naked, reports the Kansas City Star. Scott Johnson, employed as a trainer at St. John’s Health Tracks, is accused of convincing the females — currently between 16 and 24 years old — to take off their clothes and weigh themselves naked for “a more accurate weight.”

The Understatement of the Year award goes to officials at Health Tracks, who say Johnson was "not authorized to ask the females to undress."

A Swedish court sentenced three men to prison after they were convicted of robbing and blackmailing men who sought sex with teenage girls. Prosecutors said the gang posed as teenage girls seeking to sell sex in an Internet chat room. Prospective "clients" would arrive and be confronted by a group of men who robbed them. The ten victims were awarded $15,350 by the court.

And they were told to come pick up the cash at a seedy local motel on the outskirts of town and not to tell anyone where they were going.

BabeWatch... Courtney Cox

In case you didn't hear, "Scrubs" is moving from NBC to ABC for its eighth and (probably) final season and The medical sitcom will debut on its new network Jan. 6, ABC said Friday. Why did NBC drop Scrubs? Maybe they had too darn many successful shows and didn't want to be greedy.

Certainly, Scrubs has never been shy about stunt casting. Who are we kidding? The show was built on stunt casting, specifically of hot women. Heather Graham, Mandy Moore, Amy Smart, Heather Locklear, we could go on. That tradition will continue with Courtney Cox, who, coincidentally, also used to be on NBC. Cox is scheduled to guest star in the first two episodes of the upcoming season. We'll shamefully admit to having a soft spot for "Dirt," Cox's short-lived Hollywood soap-thriller and proud to say we were wildly in love with Courtney during her "Friends" glory years. Can you blame us?

Celebratin'... Humble Pie

One of The Grinder's all-time, underrated rock acts, Humble Pie featured Steve Marriott; the former singer, songwriter and guitarist for Small Faces, and Peter Frampton, then known as leader of The Herd, plus bassist Greg Ridley and seventeen-year-old drummer Jerry Shirley.

From their founding in the late 1969, to the Goodbye Pie Tour in 1975, Humble Pie created some of the most raw, powerful balls-to-the-wall rock of the AOR-era. Though Steve Marriott and Peter Frampton began to collaborate again in 1991, a house fire that took Steve's Marriot's life at age 44 ended any hopes of a reunion.

Should Humble Pie be voted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Would we have asked the question if we didn't think the answer was "yes"?


The infectious, boogie tribute to java juice, "Black Coffee"


A rip the seats up, burn the house down rendition of the blues classic, "I Don't Need No Doctor," recorded live at the legendary Fillmore.


A decade before Cheap Trick had an inexplicable hit covering Elvis, Humble Pie showed how it's done with "All Shook Up."



Probably Humble Pie's best-known tune and biggest hit, or, at least, the only song of their's that still gets airplay, this is the joy and pain of "30 Days in the Hole."

LOL: Generic Funny Stuff

Via Digg; an annual, holiday classic: Robin's Christmas faux paus. He laid an (metaphorical) egg.


Men's Rules for a Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home; who cooks from time-to-time, who is clean and has a good job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women never meet.





It's a historical treasure! The gloriously profane and brilliant pilot of South Park, "Jesus vs. Santa." Five minutes of raw comedy heaven.

Textual Healing 12.23.2008

MSNBC reports that burlesque dancer Deirdre Franklin wants to raise more than $10,000 to support Pit Bull rescue through a calendar, "Pinups for Pitbulls." The Grinder is glad to see these perfectly friendly dogs getting some love. Remember people; there is no such thing as bad dogs, only bad owners.


Bob Herbert writes a surprisingly readable defense of union workers in the New York Times. Herbert says the UAW isn't at fault for the Big Three automakers' failure and notes that the union has made big concessions over the last few years; including salary cuts of up to 50%. In fact, Toyota Motor Corp pays American workers better than Detroit. We hate to repeat ourselves, but the reasons for Detroit's failure aren't exactly mysterious. We keep coming back to that whole making-cars-that-people-don't-want-to-buy thing. UAW workers aren't the ones deciding what cars to build.

Glenn Eichler, the NYT's booze blogger, has a collection of funny stuff overheard (and misheard) at office Christmas parties. One good reason for not drinking, Eichler says, is that you won't say stuff to co-workers like, "in this light you, don’t look cross-eyed" or “Sometimes accidental electrocution can be a blessing, but try telling that to the other mothers in the playgroup.”

Just in time for Christmas, Liz Gunnison at Portfolio takes a trenchant look at "It's a Wonderful Life," and wonders if maybe Mr. Potter wasn't such a bad guy after all.

Peggy Noonan in the Wall Street Journal has a fine little column about America's future. Hint: We still have one.

Causing a mighty fuss, the Pope has come out against homosexuality. Pope Benedict XVI, delivering his year-end address to senior Vatican staff, sparked a furious reaction when he suggested that blurring the distinction between male and female could lead to the "self-destruction" of the human race. (In other words, the Pope is Catholic. Also, grizzly bears like to you-know-what in the woods.) Why is this surprising? It isn't like the Vatican singles out gays. Keep in mind, this is the Catholic church; a body which views all sexual acts outside of marriage, gay or straight, as sinful.

In even more gay news, the Washington Post has two -- two! -- columns about Obama choosing Rick Warren to speak at the Inauguration. Richard Cohen, who's pretty snarky about the whole thing and E.J. Dionne's more nuanced response.

JockSniffing 12.23.2008

The San Francisco 49'ers will wear throwback uniforms against Washington fo the last game of the season and John Crumpacker, San Francisco Chronicle Staff Writer, reports that many of the Niners will be wearing throwback facial hair. Crumpacker says the Niners' grow-a moustache-for-the-last-game campaign means the team has good chemistry, despite the fractured season.

In "Let's all wear hospital gowns and dance in a padded room" news, people think the New England Patriots should trade Tom Brady. Okay, Matt Cassel is a few years younger and was good story this year. Brady's knee is, admittedly, questionable for 2009. But, still, who would you rather have; a guy who's had one good season in the NFL or the three-time Super Bowl champ? Doesn't the guy with all the passing records and rings have the right to at least try to win his job back? A more likely scenario is that the Pats let go off Cassel. Duh.

The Scores Report accuses Rick Reilly of shoehorning dated cultural references and lame jokes into his ESPN The Magazine columns. Which he totally, totally does.

Gunaxin (a blog with the delightful subhead, "helping guys waste time on the Internet since 1978") has a list of the ten worst transactions of the year. Normally, we stay away from journalistic cliches like year-end Best or Worst lists, but do enjoy reliving the Grizzlies' ridiculous trade of Pau Gasol to the Lakers or how the Twins got zilch for Johan Santana. Deadspin chimes in with their year-end retrospective, on the very Deadspin-y theme of creepy stuff that happened in bathrooms this year.

GearMania: Festival of (Natural) Light

Some researchers say "full-spectrum" lighting is effective in treating seasonal depression, acne, psoriasis and sleep problems. Others claim the positive effects are just psychosomatic, which is fine by us. (What's the difference between feeling better and thinking you feel better? Not much.) The Verilux® Rise & Shine® Natural Alarm Clock might be just the thing to rid you of the winter blues. With a timer, the light rises slowly, simulating the natural rhythms of the dawn. The alarm can be set to use an AM/FM radio or built-in sounds of nature, like chirping birds, so you'll feel like you are waking up in the wilds.

BabeWatch... Don't Mess with the Lohan

Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend, DJ Samantha Ronson, checked into Los Angeles' Cedars-Sinai Medical Center due to "exhaustion" this weekend. For one day. Sure, a spoiled, pseudo-celebrity partying too hard and winding up in the hospital isn't big news. But it did remind us that Lindsay Lohan is still crazy hot. Now, if she could just make a movie that doesn't suck out loud.

Today in Sex 12.23.2008

Scientists are developing a "sex chip" that will stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain, according to online newspaper The Australian. Deep brain stimulation is already used to treat symptoms of Parkinson's disease, and scientists believe this same treatment will work with the areas of the brain that derive pleasure from eating and sex. Implanting the chip requires surgery to connect a wire from a heart pacemaker to the brain.

This is great news for guys. Now to get a reluctant woman into bed, all you need to do is get her to have open heart surgery, implant a pacemaker, and connect a wire from the pacemaker to the bran's pleasure centers. Or, you know, you could just buy her drinks.

The British man convicted of having sex on a Dubai beach was "re-arrested" late Monday as he prepared to board a flight back home, his London-based lawyer said. Vince Acors, 34, was due to land at Heathrow early Tuesday after being deported from the Gulf city-state, said lawyer Andrew Crossley. Crossley said his client was detained at Dubai airport and returned to jail as his flight confirmation was allegedly 'not in order'. His precise return date is now unknown.

Okay, this is just getting evil. We thought Dubai was supposed to be one of the more "moderate" Arab states. The guy got busy on a beach, for goodness sake, and he has now been held against his will for five months. We're sure the Dubai tourism board is just thrilled about this.

Spiders have freaky sex, reports MSNBC. Once a session of lovemaking ends, the female of many species will kill and eat the male. Among wolf spiders, small males were eaten by their female lovers about 80 percent of the time.

So, basically, female spiders are like Madonna without all the costume changes.

Kansas State University sent researchers into nursing homes to find out how the topic of old people sex was being addressed. It wasn't. In response, researchers produced training aids to encourage nursing home caregivers to accommodate senior's sexual desires. Advocates say senior sex will become less and less taboo as baby boomers age and brings their beliefs about sexual freedom into the nation's nursing homes.

This proves that not all taboos are bad. Look, we are all in favor of old people doing whatever it is that makes them happy. If that includes knocking boots at the Shady Hills Rest Home, so be it. But that doesn't mean we need to hear about it. Or, worse, picture it.

LOL: Ho, Ho, Holy Crap !

For your viewing pleasure, and to help you brush up on your snark,
The Grind humbly presents the All-Time Worst Christmas Cards
ever created by human hands. To wit:



Buzz, Star and Joe seem happy. But Harley looks utterly
looks terrified.



Funny! That could certainly make things more peaceful. Now, would
someone please call Child Services and have these children put into foster care?



This, quite simply, is why everyone who knows them
absolutely hates the Davis Family.



Um... Is she supposed to have had a virgin birth?



Friends don't let friends use Photoshop drunk



Recognized across the Web as the essence of
why people hate Christmas cards.



Because the holidays are always a good time to think about shooting
people.

Then again, Santa is quite the badass...

Celebratin'... Festival of Lights, Beytach

The Eight Crazy Nights have begun. Last night, all around the world, Jews lit the Menorah to commemorate the rededication of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. That means it's time to spin the dreidel, eat potato latkes, get tube socks as gifts from Hanukkah Harry. All that good stuff. The Grinder is getting into the festive flow with the best of Hanukkah rock.








Canadian alt-folk rockers Barenaked Ladies, jamming
out on the moderately Mideastern-sounding "Hanukkah O, Hanukkah!



Don't watch this one. Seriously. Okay, fine. Watch it.
But don't say we didn't warn you.



South Park's ridiculous and sublime "Just a Jew"


The genius (oh yeah "genius") of Australia's Yidcore with,
"They Tried to Kill Us, They Failed, Let's Eat"


The all-time classic, Adam Sandler singing
"The Hanukkah Song" live.

Hatin' On... Christmas Haters

There are a lot of things in life that it doesn't make sense to get angry about. Traffic, for one. Everyday at rush hour, traffic moves slowly. Yet, every day, millions of Americans are enraged to the point of gunplay by slow-moving traffic. Lines in the supermarket is another one. If you go to the grocery store anytime after 5:00 pm on a weekday, there will be lines at the checkout counters. It's as certain as the tides. Yet, it is impossible to go to the grocery store at those times of day and not see someone red-faced, grinding their teeth and fuming about having to wait in line. The mind reels.



But, possibly, the dumbest thing of all to get mad about is Christmas. Yet, people do. Bill O'Reilly is always yelling about the War on Christmas or witness Christopher Hitchens' hilariously incendiary humbuggery on Slate, in which the British curmudgeon compares Santa to a fascist dictator.

Whether you are Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, a Buddhist or proudly professing atheist, you have to be unbelievably cantankerous and, possibly, unbalanced, to be bothered by the Christmas season. Anyone threatened by "Merry Christmas" from a clerk or co-worker -- who sees a wish for yuletide joy as evangelizing -- is clearly insecure in their own beliefs, whatever they may be.

When someone wishes you "Merry Christmas," they are, at worst, saying "Enjoy the legal holiday on December 25th." More likely, the clerk or co-worker is wishing you happiness the best way they can. Someone bitter enough to feel oppressed by people expressing good cheer should need a license to leave the house. Anyone who feels their First Amendment rights are compromised by public Christmas displays; by a Christmas tree in a town square, for instance, has gone insane. Or, at the very least, has a terrible understanding of Constitutional law. The First Amendment says the government should not establish a state religion; not that people should protected from any exposure to a faith not their own. The amendment also says Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise of any faith. When some overzealous interest group gets a nativity scene removed from a town square, they are doing precisely that.

Textual Healing 12.22.2008

Donald Fagan, voice of Steely Dan and godfather of Muzak, writes in Slate about Jean Shepherd, the man behind "A Christmas Story." In addtion to being an author and humorist, Shepherd was a very successful DJ in the early 60's. Fagan tells a long, surprisingly dark tale of the man's career.

The New Republic's Jonathan Cohn has crafted a bizarre defense of the Big Three automakers, claiming the industry is "…a victim of something it did right: ensuring a middle-class lifestyle for bluecollar workers." The theory goes that carmakers, pushed by unions, gave workers high wages, comprehensive health benefits into retirement and workplace protection rules. Cohn admits that the "financial costs and managerial constraints" helped ruin the domestic carmakers. But, despite all evidence to the contrary, Cohn claims that "ultimate responsibility" lies "beyond Detroit." Yup. It's the Feds' fault. "In a more enlightened society, after all, government would have made those promises and extended them to all workers, thereby spreading the burden of financing them to all taxpayers."

That is, Detroit is broke is because the federal government isn't using massive social welfare programs to ensure that all American workers have the same cushy benefits as workers in Detroit. That's funny, we thought the problem with the Big Three automakers was that they make cars no one wants to buy.

On the subject of spending other people's money, Nicholas Kristof notes in his New York Times column that liberals "show tremendous compassion in pushing for generous government spending to help the neediest people," but are "cheapskates," when it comes to making individual contributions to charitable causes. Kristof is stunned to find that conservtives, broadly, give more money to chairty than liberals do. Also in the NYT, a front page story about how the housing crises was Bush's fault. Nevermind consumers who got mortgages they couldn't afford, lenders who pushed easy credit and Wall Street big wigs who loaded portfolios with risky, mortgage-backed securities.

The administration shot back, with White House press secretary Dana Perino accusing the paper of “gross negligence.” Perinio said the Times reporting "amounted to finding selected quotes to support a story the reporters fully intended to write from the onset" and ignmored anything that didn't fit their point of view.” Perino did not explain how that makes the New York Times different from any other newspaper.

JockSniffing 12.22.2008

It's crazy rumor day in sports blogdom. We start with chatter about coaching vacancies in the NFL cities like Kansas City, Cleveland, San Francisco and St. Louis. Just type in those seasonal sports clichés; "hot seat" and "coaching carousel" to read all about it. Or go to Jay Glazer at FOXSports.com. Jim Donovan, radio voice of the Cleveland Browns, reported a rumor (which is kind of an oxymoron) that defensive lineman Shaun Smith hit quarterback Brady Quinn in the face. Who hasn't wanted to hit Brady Quinn in the face? Metaphorically, anyway.

There are a lot of possible villains in Detroit right now. A disgraced mayor, Big Three car company execs and workers who've run a mighty industry into the ground. Lion's Matt Millen, obviously. Yet, somehow Rob Parker, a writer for the Detroit News, managed to make himself Motown's Public Enemy No. 1 with an absurdly rude line of questioning to Lions coach Rod Marinelli in a postgame press conference. Parker asked Marinelli, who's son-in-law is also a Lions' coach, if he wished that his daughter would have married a better defensive coordinator. The oft-times in hot water Parker was subsequenrly evisetrated on FOX by Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Michael Strahan. Parker, for his part, wrote a column saying that it wasn't as bad as it looked.

For chatter about coaching vacancies in (probably) Kansas City, Cleveland, San Francisco and St. Louis, just type in the seasonal sports clichés; "hot seat" and "coaching carousel." Or check out Jay Glazer at FOXSports.com.

Jim Donovan, radio voice of the Cleveland Browns, reported a rumor (which is kind of an oxymoron) that defensive lineman Shaun Smith hit Brady Quinn in the face during a lockeroom scuffle. Yeah, well.. Who hasn't wanted to hit Brady Quinn?

Speaking of things, like the Browns, which are imploding, the Hoosierdome done got blowed up:


A Dominican newspaper is claiming the Yankees are on the verge of signing Manny Ramirez to a three-year, $75M deal, but none of the New York papers have picked up the story. This smells like Manny-centric PR. The Yankees have got to be more interested in Mark Teixeira and they now have a better shot at signing him since the Angels pulled out of the bidding. Teixeira is eight years younger than Ramirez, doesn't have the self-serving behavioral issues, has normal hair and bothers to play defense.

Competitive latke eating? What would Hannukah be without it? Sunday was the 4th Annual National Potato Latke Eating Competition, held at Zan's Deli on Long Island, New York. This year's champion, "Furious" Pete Czerwinski, is a 22-year-old Canadian student who packed away 46 potato pancakes in eight minutes; about 7 pounds of potatoes total. Yum.