GearMania: Stax Trax on Wax

Sure, maybe we hardly ever listen to CD's anymore. Mp3's are just so much easier.
But if someone was going to buy us a bunch of discs, these are what we would want; Stax 50th Anniversary Celebration. Stax is simply the source for '60s and '70s soul and R&B anywhere, and this boxed double-disc set of 50 songs, all remastered, celebrates the seminal label's 50th anniversary. Otis Redding, Sam & Dave, Isaac Hayes --all the legends are here, plus a bunch of tunes from artists you might not know, but still will rock your world.

Today We Celebrate... Cheap Trick

Time to rock out, Grinder people. We don't need no country weeping, no pop star love songs or rappers yelling about their bling. We just need some good ol' Rock n' Roll. Today, that's Cheap Trick.


Here's the band doing "The Dream Police," at the Chicagofest in '81, replete with Rick Nielsen's trademark triple guitar work as an introduction. Sick, sick, stuff -- in the best possible way



Alex Chilton wrote it, but you might know Trick's version of "In The Street" a little better.


"Surrender," from 1979, was one of the band's biggest hits. Here's a little bootleg of Green Day ripping it up.




Does it get any better than "Oh, Candy"? No it does not. That was rhetorical.

LOL: The TV Mohel

The famous "Tomahawk incident with Ed Ames," on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Possibly the funniest moment ever on TV up untill that point. Watch Carson grab Ames' arm to keep him from retrieving the errant throw. Johnny knew comedy gold when he saw it.

Today We Hate... Lots of Stuff

We can't stand any more politics for this week, and no one wants to hear how the Academy Awards 'shocked" people by snubbing The Dark Knight. Forget the news. We're closing out the week with the really, truly annoying stuff; the seemingly minor trials of daily life that make even the sanest soul want to drown himself in a vat of cherry Jell-O.

Like, for instance…

"We work hard and we play hard."
In our experience, anyone who uses this phrase never does the latter. Usually, by "playing hard" they mean drinking after work and not leaving when Happy Hour ends. Gee, stand back everybody. Keith Richards has a new rival for king of the party monsters.

Amateur Pornographers
Look, it might be fun for you to stick a video camera between a woman's legs, but it's not nearly as fun for us to watch the tape. Pull back once in a while. If we can't see her face and body, it's not erotica. It's gynecology.

All Weddings, Everywhere
Crashing weddings may be fun, but going to weddings of people you know is the worst conceivable way to spend a weekend next to marathon root canal. The typical wedding is three days of emotional blackmail, family drama, drunk uncles, bad music, and avoiding that one weirdly desperate bridesmaid who everyone wishes would come out of the closet.

Weddings are doubly awful when held someplace exotic, like Jamaica or Hawaii, when guests then must shell out $2,000 bucks each for the privilege of all that stress. Listen, engaged couples: Why should anybody get excited about your nuptials when half of all marriages end in divorce? How about this for a new plan: No wedding gifts until you celebrate your tenth anniversary. Prove you are going to be together for a while and people will be a lot happier about having to buy you a toaster.

Every Film That's Set in Paris
There's always a window looking out on the Eiffel Tower. Surely, somewhere in that city there's a room facing the other way.

Gay Men Who Fondle Straight Girls
We are convinced that most do it just to bother straight guys. "See what I get to do?" Not cool, gay men.

Dudes Who Want to Tell You How Drunk They Were Last Weekend.
Yeah, we get it. You consumed a great deal of alcohol. Unless the story ends at a police station or hospital, nobody cares.

Some of the Stuff Mom Says
Moms, please don't remind full-grown adult men that they need to floss. It's embarrassing.

Really Hot Women Who are Blind, Deaf or Mute and Witness a Murder
What's the deal, really hot women who are blind, deaf or mute? Why are you always witnessing murders and needing to be protected by a detective who is gruff with a heart of gold? Did you ever think to stop hanging around places where people commit murders? We're just saying.

People Who Refer to Prisons Where Inmates Watch TV as "Country Clubs"
There are two surefire ways to tell when you are in prison. One, armed guards prevent you from leaving. Two, people that you don't know try to have gay sex with you in the shower. If you are experiencing either or both of these, a country is not where you are.

JockSniffing 01.23.08

The Cubs sold; for just under a billion dollars. The new owner is not Mark Cuban.

It's not even Super Bowl week yet, but ESPN's Mel Kiper already has a mock draft in place -- for 2012. Kidding. Just for 2009. Kiper has the Lions taking Georgia QB Matthew Stafford; the Rams grabbing Andre Smith, an OT from Alabama; and the Chiefs getting USC quarterback Mark Sanchez.

Another day, another Giants wide-receiver involved in gunplay. First, wideout Steve Smith was held at gunpoint outside his home. A few days later, Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself at a nightclub. Now Taye Biddle has been shot. The practice-squad player was hit Sunday night near his home in Alabama, then treated and released from a local hospital. It could be time for Tom Coughlin to start issuing his players Kevlar vests.

On the surface, sure, the shootings seem unrelated. Just a coincidence. But the conspiracy theorist in us wonders if there is a back-story we will never know. It's like with that Marvin Harrison shooting thing. You get the sense that something very dark went down. But, however the court case comes out, the public will never get to hear what really happened.


We are not the world's biggest tennis fans, especially when Ana Ivanovic loses. Mostly, we only tune in for Grand Slam finals. But the Australian Open is giving us reason to watch the early rounds -- like this totally inexplicable chair fight among drunk Aussie fans.

There is a big MMA fight this weekend. No. 1-ranked fighter Fedor Emelianenko takes on Andrei Arlovski in a PPV match. If you don't want to fork over the cash, Spike is having the network premiere of UFC 91, the Nov. 15 bout between Randy Couture and Brock Lesnar.



The Winter X Games are one of the great events in sports. Aspen is gorgeous. The crowd is young, good-looking and ready to party. The admission is free. Yup. Free. No ticket needed. A shuttle in downtown Aspen takes you to to Buttermilk Mountain and fans just walk right in. So sweet. Here's just a little taste of last night's action.

Finally, Playboy's sexiest sportscaster poll is now online. Please vote. Early and often.

Textual Healing 01.23.2009

Paul Krugman says that economists, "not all of them especially liberal," think the Federal Government should nationalize the banking industry. No matter how hard left the country goes, you can always count on Krugman to go farther.

David Brooks says it's now time for Obama to show that he is serious about change. The stimulus bill approved by the House, says Brooks, is "an undisciplined sprawl of health, education, entitlement and other spending" In other words, pork barrel politics as usual. Obama "didn’t run for president just to sign whatever bills the Old Bulls put on his desk." Brooks says the new president must refuse to sign, and then totally remake, the wasteful spending package.

Also in the NYT , Steven Pinker wonders how Chief Justice John Roberts "a famous stickler for grammar" could have bungled the presidential oath? Conspiracy theorists think"it was unconscious retaliation for Senator Obama’s vote against the chief justice’s confirmation in 2005." But a simpler explanation is Chief Justice Roberts’s grammatical niggling, including a loathing for so-called "split verbs." According to this fallacy, Captain Kirk made a grammatical error when he declared the five-year mission of the Starship Enterprise was “to boldly go where no man has gone before.” It should have been “to go boldly.”

Funny. We always thought Justice Roberts was a strict constructionist, yet here is judicial activism at it's worst. Or, at least, it's silliest.

Charles Krauthammer in the Washington Post notes (just like The Grind did three days ago) that Obama's invocation of George Washington and the Founders was "a declaration of his own emancipation from -- or better, transcendence of -- the civil rights movement."

Newsweek explains the implications of the executive orders that call for closure of the U.S. detention facility at Guantánamo Bay and would bar the CIA from using interrogation methods beyond those of the U.S. military. Jack Bauer is not pleased. Neither is the Wall Street Journal.

With the Sundance Film Festival almost through, the LA Times mentions a few movies that won distribution deals, and could be theaters later this year. Magnolia Pictures struck a deal for “Humpday,” a comedy about two college buddies testing their friendship. Lionsgate bought rights to “Winning Season,” a story of an alcoholic, played by Sam Rockwell, coaching a girls’ high school basketball team, while Sony spent $2 million for North American rights for “Black Dynamite,” a spoof of 1970's exploitation movies. Both Jim Carey and Robins Williams also have films that are garnering a lot of studio interest -- proving that independent film is alive and well, especially if you happen to be a mega-rich movie star.

Today in Sex 1.23.2009

The Chinese government has stepped up efforts to fight pornography. The government said it had shut down 1,250 websites over the past three weeks, deleted 3.2 million online items and arrested more than 40 people for distributing "lewd" material.

The Grind is calling on all freedom-loving people to protest this repressive act by boycotting the Beijing Olympics.

The stars of "Sex And The City" have agreed to to star in a big screen sequel. Producer-star Sarah Jessica Parker is expected to get a $30 million payday for reprising the role.

Because American film audiences desperately need to see Carrie Bradshaw go though menopause.

The Dallas Morning News reports a Dallas man has filed for divorce from his husband. The men, who married in Cambridge, Mass., and later returned to Dallas, asked Wednesday for a state district court to void the union. Texas law prohibit same-sex marriages or civil unions. Citing those laws, Attorney General Greg Abbott the two men could not get a divorce because the parties' Massachusetts-issued arrangement is not a marriage under Texas law. "They are asking a Texas court to recognize – and dissolve – something that does not legally exist."

Well, then. Problem solved.

Dark Room Sex Game is an erotic multi-player game without graphics, played only by sound and touch. In the game, played with a Nintendo Wii Remote, players work with partners to find a mutual rhythm, then speed up gradually until climax. Developers said the idea was that a sex game would be "more erotic if it stripped away all visuals and forced players to use their imaginations," and described their aim as "to get players looking at each other, rather than the television screen."

People using their imaginations? People looking at each other, rather than a TV screen? Outrageous. The next thing you know people will be touching and having conversations. This madness must end.

A man who extorted $45,000 from cricket great Craig McDermott will spend at least 18 months behind bars. Peter Josef Vigan, 38, pleaded guilty to eight charges of extortion on Friday. Vigan began threatening Mr McDermott in January 2006, calling him on the phone and telling him: "I have two tapes of you and your missus ... if you don't bring me $5000, the tapes will be all over the internet.

This one is confusing. Why would a guy pay blackmail money to keep people from knowing that he had sex with his own wife? Did she not know there was a camera?

BabeWatch... Rhona Mitra

The next installment of the Underworld series opens this weekend, with Rhona Mitra replacing Kate Beckinsale as female lead. "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" is a prequel explaining how the war between the vampires and the lycans (werewolves) began. But it's really a story of star-crossed lovers. Mitra plays Sonja, a death dealer who hunts werewolves on horseback but also has a secret affair with a young lycan.

The Brtish actress, of Irish and Indian descent, had a recurring role as Kit McGraw on Season 3 of Nip/Tuck, and is rumored -- rumored -- to be up for Catwoman. She has also been on the "The Practice" and "Boston Legal," but is probaly best known as the live-action model for Lara Croft, the lead in Eidos Interactive's Tomb Raider video games. She's not bad. She's just been rendered that way.

LOL: AHHHHHHHHH!

Yesterday, we laughed at the great Rodney Dangerfield. Today, we get one of his spiritual descendants. We celebrate the seething ball of rage that is Sam Kinison; comedy's version of Edvard Munch's "The Scream."


This is Sam introduced by King Rodney himself for an HBO special. The piece includes the bit that made Sam a star, "World Hunger." If you ever meet anyone who doesn't think this material is funny, stay far away away from them for ever.


Here's Dangerfield formally passing the baton. The classic of classics; Kinison teaching American history in "Back to School." "SAY IT!!!"

Today We Celebrate... Underground Success

There's no sound we love more than old school rap. This little clique is Digital Underground, the first major rap act out of the Bay Area, and one of the most eclectic hip-hip acts of all time. Heavily influenced by 1970s funk, Digital Underground toured for nearly 20 years before Greg "Shock G" Jacobs announced last year that their May 2008 release "...Cuz A d.u. Party Don't Stop!" would be their last. Pour a little out for one of the most original acts Hip-Hop history. (Sorry, no "Humpty Dance." We don't play like that. )


There couldn't be a more succinct expression of Digital Underground's oeuvre than "Freaks of the Industry," from their bustout album, "Sex Packets."



Where do get those Sex Packets? From the "Packet Man" of course.


Okay, it's not technically a DU cut. "I Get Around" is the second single from Tupac Shakur's second album, but some of those rappers sure look familiar.

Today We Hate... Predictions of American Decline

We hear all the time about an end to American power. With two current wars, a host of under-funded domestic programs and a frozen economy, it's become a given that the United States will not dominate the world as we did in the post-Word War II era. Summarized by Newsweek's Fareed Zakaria in "The Post-American World," and repeated endlessly as revealed truth, the idea is that rising powers like China, India and the European Union, will force America to take a lesser role in world affairs.

Bullshit. Total bullshit. In the 1980's people were saying the same things about that rising power Japan. Experts claimed Japan's economic power would let it dominate the new century. But that doesn't seem to be happening, does it?

The reasons aren't complicated. There are basically three kinds of international power; military, economic and cultural. Japan has loads economic power. But they have almost no military, and it is impossible to be a world power while relying on another nation for your defense.

Maybe more importantly, Japanese culture has no global sway. Yes, people around the world started buying Japanese cars in the 80's. But they didn't start clamoring to learn Japanese, to hear Japanese rock music, watch Japanese movies or to dress like Japanese teenagers.

China, America's most cited new rival, has economic power and a military. But the Chinese too, lack cultural sway. Very few people around the world are clamoring for Chinese-style government. Millions, maybe billions, cry for the free markets and free exchange of ideas they see in America. Consider that more than a million people emigrate from China every year, and most move to the United States. How many US citizens emigrate to China? Less.

Sure, China may be populous, but that doesn't automatically confer Great Power status. The British Empire beat China in the Opium Wars with about 12 guys who shared a musket. If a big population automatically made a county a superpower, Brazil would be world's the fifth most powerful nation on earth.

India is another often mentioned new rival to American power; probably by people who haven't seen "Slumdog Millionaire." India is wildly overpopulated and terribly poor. Moreover, India is a strong ally of the United States and it's people largely embrace democratic values. A rising India will only strengthen the United States, acting as a balance to Chinese power.

Who else, Russia? Please. Russia can barely get their own oil out of the ground. Unless Putin retakes Poland, Romania, the Ukraine and half of Germany, the USSR-era superpower days are long gone.

The European Union, which we still find kind of inherently funny, can challenge the US economically, but has laughable military power. Europe can't -- or won't -- even stand up to Russia.

This isn't to suggest that the United States should bully other countries, only that reports of our demise are greatly exaggerated. For all the hysteria, there's no reason to expect the United States will not continue to dominate the globe far into the 21st century. As the call for democracy and human rights continues to spread, the world will have nowhere else to look.

JockSniffing 01.22.2009

Tony Stewart is driving for Burger King? Well, it makes a lot more sense than Subway. Once Stewart became measurably fatter than Jared Fogel, it was obviously time to move on.

Yesterday True Hoop announced that ESPN had acquired a bunch of their NBA blogs. The Big Lead breaks down the deal. basically, ESPN.com gets the pre-existing traffic and True Hoops gets a major traffic boost. The message to all bloggers is that good writers who draw a crowd will get interest from the big boys.

The blog Mr.SEC had a great idea: To become the first gathering place on the web for every Erin Andrews image in existence. So they posted more than 750 pics of the sideline babe, right here. Before you click, there's a porblem. It seems that SI.com's pop culture site, HotClicks, heard about the galleries. And that's when then this happened:

SI’s link + the interest in Erin Andrews absolutely SMOKED our server yesterday.

So we’ve taken down the gallery — just for now — until we make some behind-the-scenes switches.

Believe me, we’re just as distressed as you are. We’re the ones who spent two weeks sifting through everybody else’s smaller galleries in order to make one big one.

Never let it be said that The Grind doesn't have your back:

























SportsByBrooks notes that St. Louis Cardinals GM John Mozeliak had an online chat at STLtoday.com that went well or very badly, depending on who you ask.

According to St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnist Bernie Miklasz, an online chatter named "I Hate Bill DeWitt!" asked the Cards' GM to "describe what it’s like living in your little land of make believe where you honestly believe that Cardinal fans should be excited about this team." Mozeliak replied "I'd rather live in my world then yours … it is sunny out today? No you’re right, it is 30 something degrees, my girlfriend dumped me, and my car won’t start." The columnist defended the GM's comeback, writing, “I thought his response was hilarious and appropriate. It showed me that he was a human being and not some politically correct automaton."

Hmmm, maybe Miklasz missed that whole story about Phil Savage issue in December?

Textual Healing 01.22.2009

There is nothing surprising in this passage, "It is important to note that the Jews did not forcibly expel Palestinians." Then you find out that Muammar Qaddafi wrote it. In the New York Times.

Gail Collins said the Obama inaugural was like "Woodstock without mud," but she can't decide if the new president is Jimi Hendrix or Country Joe and the Fish. Collins frets about the potential Treasury Secretary's tax problems and wonders why Nancy Pelosi left Charles Rangel in charge of the Ways and Means committee, despite Rangel's "incredibly sloppy personal finances." Fair question.

Kristoff, like everyone else, was thrilled by Obama's speech. The writer gushes about so-called soft power, making the rather obvious point that the US cannot always rely on military force. Kristoff cites this passage from the Inaugural; “Our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.”

Which is a lovely thought. It was equally lovely when George Bush said the same in 2000 and 2001, dropping gems like "We must be proud and confident of our values, but humble in how we treat nations...," "...We will show purpose without arrogance" and "pursue a humble foreign policy." Funny. It sounds a lot different when Obama says it.

The new president has already moved to close the prison at Guantanamo. But, says the Chicago Tribune, that leaves "the vexing problem of suspects who appear guilty and dangerous, but can't be tried in federal court." For instance, some suspects may be impossible to convict because putting forth evidence would compromise intelligence sources. That's most likely the case with the trial of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks. We've got to do something with the guy.

U2 has a new album. The first single "Get On Your Boots," will be released as a digital download February 15th, with a physical format following the next day. Listen to the new tune here.

The album, "No Line On The Horizon," was produced by Brian Eno, Danny Lanois and Steve Lillywhite, in Morocco, Dublin, New York and London. Yeah, it's hard for a band to stay relevant when the whole group is over 40 and is already in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, especially if you are as cloyingly omnipresent as Bono & Co. But we are still interested enough to give it a listen; at the very least to hear what Eno and Lanois have done.

GearMania: Beer Mail

The Microbrewed Beer of the Month Club will make sure you always have something tasty in the fridge. Every month, you'll get a 12-pack of 12-oz. beers (two imports and three domestic microbrews) selected from over microbreweries here and overseas. Each pack also comes with a monthly newsletter that describes each beer, the breweries that made them and what to notice while tasting.

BabeWatch... Hilary Swank

John "Tuna" Krasinski, wrote and directed "Brief Interviews With Hideous Men," which premiered this week at the Sundance Film Festival. His TV show "The Office" is also new tonight, and includes a debate over whether Hilary Swank is hot.

We're happy to jump in. Her chin is too big and her skin is a little wrinkly these days -- maybe she had too much sun as a kid. But Swank has amazing eyes, a dazzling smile and a ridiculously tight body. Besides, her last name is "Swank," which has got to count for something. But who are we to decide? Judge for yourself.

Today in Sex 1.22.2009

A suburban Indianapolis couple is accused of running a scam from their home involving hundreds of men and the promise of sex. Shelly A. Chance told police she used online chat rooms to lure men to a home on Pearl Street in Greenwood, where she would collect $100 in advance for sex. After the money was collected, Chance would turn on a pornographic movie and go to "freshen up," police said. Once she was out of the room, Jose M. Roman, who is 6-foot-3 and 270 pounds, would appear and scare the men away. Police said the couple used the money to buy crack cocaine.

What? No way. We figured they'd use the money to feed starving kids in Africa.

A Muslim cleric in Australia reportedly said men have a right to force their wives into sex and hit wives who disobey. The cleric scorned laws against a man forcing his wife to have sex, asking "How can a person rape his wife?" Hamza also claimed Islamic law allows men to hit their wives, but they should not bruise them or make them bleed.

Isn't that gracious? Pal, if you have to hit a woman to get her in bed, it's rape -- marriage doesn't come into it. See if you can drag yourself into the 19th century, will ya?

A woman whose company sells sex toys through home parties will star in her own reality TV show. Cable television's TLC says "Mother Knows Sex" chronicles the life of sex toy entrepreneur Patty Brisben, founder of Pure Romance. TLC will debut the one-hour program at 10 p.m. on Super Bowl Sunday.

Perfect. After the Super Bowl, there nothing man wants more than to watch a show about dildos.

Police in Australia have arrested a man accused of serially breaking into an adult shop and having sex with blow-up dolls. The 23-year-old allegedly broke into the Laneway Adult Shop in the northen Australian city of Cairns on several occasions, having sex with a doll named "Jungle Jane." He had been taking the dolls into a back alley, blowing them up and using them, then leaving them in the alley."

Jungle Jane could not be reached for comment. But she reportedly has a book deal.

LOL: Respect

You don't need to know any biographical background. You don't need any critical analysis. All you need to know is that this is Rodney Dangerfield at his peak.

Today We Celebrate... Rapid Ear Movement

There's a new book out about R.E.M. frontman, Michael Stipe. It's called "In Outline of My Lover." If you are interested in Stipe's sexuality, have at it. We are more interested in what Stipe, Mike Mills, Bill Berry and Peter Buck created in the 1980's and 90's. Here's a look back at the band from Athens, GA, who defined the sound of college for a generation.



"Radio Free Europe" their first single from their first album, "Mummer" live on a British TV.


The first time REM played for a national audience in the US, on "Late Night with David Letterman" in October 1983. The band performed a new, unnamed song that was later called "South Central Rain (I'm Sorry)" and became the first single from the band's second record, "Reckoning" in 1984. Then came "Fables of the Reconstruction," which wasn't just an album. It was like a license, a passport, a degree, a certification of alterna-cool. Buy the record and, bang, you're in the club. Your are cool and a little mysterious. You've been to places that other people haven't. Seen things. Zones. An Athens of the mind.



After years at the indie label IRS, R.E.M. achieved a mainstream hit in 1987 with "The One I Love," off Document, and jumped to Warner Bros. This is "World Leader Pretend," off their first record for WB, "Green," recorded live in Madrid.



After "Green," Peter Buck gave up his guitar for a mandolin on "Out of Time" and "Automatic for the People." This is the lovely, but somnambulant "Nightswimming" off the latter. Then came a long, long break.


In 1994, REM finally returned to recording with "Monster." Maybe influenced by all the grunge around them, the album had a refreshingly hard rock sound; exemplified by the shimmering thrash of "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?"

After that record, well... It was the piecework "New Adventures in Hi-Fi" and Bill Berry left the band. The three-legged R.E.M. came out with "Up" in '98, "Reveal" in 2001, "Around the Sun" in 2004 and last year's "Accelerate," but trust us. You don't want to hear 'em.

Today We Hate... Drug Warriors

With the new president in office and everybody piping up for their favorite issues, now is an excellent time to mention one of our favorite causes; ending the insane War on Drugs. There is nothing besides flat beer and mean women that The Grind hates more than the War on Drugs. Just a cursory search of today's news shows why.

In Italy, Italian customs police arrested five people in separate drug busts, carrying 33 pounds of cocaine in suitcases through Rome's biggest airport. In London, the entire 15-member crew of a South African Airways jet was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport after agents found 110 pounds of marijuana and about 10 pounds of coke.Yesterday in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, the severed head of a local police commander was left in an ice bucket at a police station. The commander, Castro Martinez, was abducted just four days after becoming police chief.

Finally, just before 6:30 last night, an employee of the Target in Pebble Hills TX, noticed a man smoking marijuana inside the store while unwrapping music CDs. When the man was taken into custody, he told the arresting officer that there was a puppy in his car. The officer checked and discovered a small amount of cocaine.

Each case speaks to the dire idiocy of our Drug War; how it creates huge incentives for people to do evil and stupid things. (Except for the guy smoking weed at Target. That we just thought was funny. ) At some point, the country has to acknowledge that the new prohibition has failed. It's phenomenally expensive, makes criminals from otherwise respectable citizens and, not incidentally, doesn't seem to have stemmed drug use a single iota.

Especially in an age when modern pharmacology offers legal versions of speed, painkillers and every other mood-altering substance known to man, how long can we keep up the charade of "Good Drugs and Bad Drugs?"Human beings have been altering their consciousness for as long as they have had consciousness to alter. It's past time to accept that all drugs; caffeine, magic mushrooms or Oxycontin, will be apart of the human experience for the foreseeable future.

Yes, abusing drugs is bad. But so is abusing alcohol -- and we all know making booze illegal is moronic. Sex can be abused too, but we don't say everyone who gets laid should be arrested. The plain, dull fact is that "abuse" and "use" are not the same thing. Millions of people regularly use drugs, hard and soft, legal and illegal, and yet still lead happy and productive lives. Handled properly, used in the right context, drugs and alcohol are simply one more advantage to a technologically-advanced society. They're a vital part of the good life. We've always wanted to ask the estimable Dr. Drew if there is any amount of booze or weed one can imbibe without needing rehab. He might say no, but we don't think that drug use is, by definition, drug abuse.

Certainly, there are people who can't use, at all, ever. Drug abuse is a real problem. But it's a medical and psychological issue, not one for law enforcement.

Unfortunately, a few of the drugs society favors (namely marijuana, cocaine and opiates) are called "evil"and banned, mostly out of the archaic, puritanical belief that pleasure for pleasure's sake is wrong. While anyone can oppose the Drug War because it costs too much and mocks the Fourth Amendment, and anyone can support ending the Drug War because it creates incentives for violence and funds terrorists, few will admit the truth. The Drug War should end, also, because the drugs we used would be safer, cheaper, more effective and untainted by crime. No one who just wants to smoke weed or do a few lines of blow would have to worry about going to a ghetto. No one would have to worry that their pleasure is stained with blood.

JockSniffing 01.21.2009

The unbelievably long professional tennis season has kicked off with the opening of the Australian Open, and weird sex is in the air. Serena Williams joked on her blog that she will be perfecting her voice at the tourney. She says that if fans think she sounds funny "it is because I am working on developing a better, sexier voice..." We think her grunts sound just fine. Fifth-seed Ana Ivanovic, another favorite for obvious reasons, advanced to the third round after sloppy wins against Julia Goerges and Alberta Brianti. Ana's grunts, also, sound just fine.

Will Leitch is very excited about the Arizona Cardinals going to the Super Bowl. If you happen to be one of the six other Cardinal fan in existence, you'll love it. (Oh, calm down Arizona fans. We're picking the Cards to win.) Also, on the Arizona tip, The latest by ESPN the Magazine's Rick Reilly is on Larry Fitzgerald's dad -- a sportswriter in Minnesota who is covering the Super Bowl.

The Toronto Raptors fansite, Cuzoogle.com, reviews the NBA season at midpoint, comparing each team to a celebrity (or pseudo-celebrity) babe. The Lakers are like Megan Fox, the hottest of the hot, while the Oklahoma City Thunder are Mimi from "The Drew Carey Show."

Finally, Brad Bortone at baseball blog Bugs & Cranks compares "our two leaders," Barack Obama and MLB commissioner, Bud Selig. "Barack’s favorite book is Moby Dick by Herman Melville. Bud is still reading the Mitchell Report."

Oh, okay. One more women's tennis player: Maria Kirilenko. She plays doubles.

Textual Healing 01.21.2009

Oh, Maureen Dowd. Now we know why Gawker made fun of you the other day.

Dowd starts the Obama era with one of her flaccid, contrived pop culture references. "Not since Klaatu landed in a flying saucer on the Ellipse has Washington been so mesmerized by an object whirring through the sky…" Ugh. Did anybody you know see "The Day The Earth Stood Still"? We didn't think so. The rest of the piece is a typical blend of impressions, quips and very conventional wisdom -- except for this bizarre passage, describing the feeling of joy and camaraderie this week in DC . Dowd writes, "I grew up here, and it was the first time I’ve ever seen the city wholly, happily integrated, with a mood redolent of New York in the weeks after 9/11."

First off, "redolent" means "smells of," which is kind of a clunky usage. But the real question is why Dowd thinks that New York City in the wake of 9/11 was filled with "joy."

Tom Friedman says he hopes Obama is a "radical" president. After a few hundred words explaining why the sky is falling, he gets to the meat. We need "a gasoline tax, national health care (and) banking reform."

Hey, remember when the big news of the day was that Rick Warren was giving an invocation at the Inaugural? Guess what? He came. He spoke. Life went on. Democracy somehow endured.

Now that the Inaugural hype is over, we hope, Politico.com offers seven reasons for healthy skepticism about the new administration. The president, they say, will face issues, "in which the test will be Obama’s ability to act quickly and shrewdly — and not merely describe his actions smoothly or impress people with nuance." The authors also note that the "watchdog" media is cutting jobs, and the reporters that remain, either from general laziness or being in thrall of Obama, won't be doing a lot of hard-hitting investigative work.

If you are desperate to read something that isn't about politics, and who isn't at this point, check out the awesome essay by Wayne Curtis in The Atlantic that celebrates the return of the classic cocktail to the heart of American nightlife. Now that's change we can all believe in.

GearMania: The Year's Hottest Jacket

The battery-powered ActiVHeat Heated Windproof Microfleece Jacket uses a new technology employing microfiber bundles that actively stimulates circulation in your chest and back. A battery-pack with a detachable controller lets you choose from three heat settings and zip-off sleeves convert the jacket to a vest. With the car adapter, you even run it off a 12V socket, to save battery power.

The electric jacket runs $149.99- $199.99, depending on the battery pack option you pick (go for the rechargeable lithium-ion), and yeah, it's safe to wear in the rain.

Today in Sex 1.21.2009

At the European Championships in Helsinki, Russian figure skater Ekaterina Rubleva was being twirled by her partner, Ivan Shefer, when her costume started to slip. The 23-year-old kept smiling, but her next move send the costume down, exposing her left breast to a massive television audience.

After the routine, the pair was in 12th place. Which, from this ASFW (almost safe for work) picture, seems unfair.


A former Miss USA who made a name in soap operas is raising more than eyebrows with a career change, reports the New York Daily News. Kelli McCarty, a Kansas native, who won the crown in 1991, played the part of "Beth" on the NBC soap opera "Passions." But after her character was killed in 2006, McCarty apparently left daytime television for porn. According to TMZ.com, McCarty now works for Vivid Entertainment, with her first pornographic film "Faithless," due this spring.

Being huge soap opera fans, we are suspicious of this. Sure, maybe McCarty is doing porn now, but maybe it's really just her evil twin.

According to the UK's Daily Mail, leaders of a taxpayer-funded education project say children as young as five should be taught to understand the pleasures of gay sex. The plan was revealed in documents from the No Outsiders project, run by researchers backed with £600,000 of public money. Heads of the project set a goal of creating "classrooms where queer sexualities are affirmed and celebrated." At a seminar at Exeter University tomorrow, supporters will discuss "pleasure and desire in educational contexts" and "interrogate the desexualisation of children's bodies.'

What the fudge, packer? "The desexualization of children's bodies"? Aren't children's bodies supposed to be "desexualized"? Would would want to sexualize them? And why should grade schools be involved in "celebrating" any kind of sexuality, gay or straight? Here's a idea: Teach the kids to read.

More than a year after denying it, newly sworn-in Portland Mayor Sam Adams admitted to lying about a sexual relationship he had with a teenagerduring the summer of 2005. In a phone interview with KATU, Adams apologized for not being honest to the public about his relationship with Beau Breedlove, whom he said was 18 at the time they had sex. Despite rumors of the affiar, Adams coasted to victory in 2008, making Portland the largest U.S. city to elect an openly gay mayor. Adams said he never told his colleagues, staff, friends or family about the sex. He added that he remains friends with Breedlove.

Oh. Okay. You lied to the electorate and accused honest reporters of "smears" and "political assassination." But the important thing is that you and your ex- are still friends.

BabeWatch... Evangeline Lilly

"Lost" junkies have been waiting eight months for a new episode, so tonight's season premiere is cause for celebration. It's also a good time to recap the famously complicated show.

When last we saw Jack, Kate , Hurley, Sayid, Sun and Aaron, they had thrown destiny askew by escaping the island, and now must fix it by returning. Juliette was last seen on the beach with a bottle of rum after Jack's departure, and Sawyer joined her after jumping out of the helicopter to make sure Kate got away. Finally, Desmond and Penny were reunited at last.

Oh... Wait... Did we mention that the evil genius Ben had to move to island to hide it from another evil genius? And what about the polar bear bones in Tunisia? Aw, screw it... Who cares? Just check out Evangeline Lilly.

LOL: Obamerchdise

We wish we were making these up. But we aren't. These are all real products people are buying and selling to celebrate the new prez. And they say American ingenuity is dead.























Unrealistic expectations? Nonsense! What about this bobblehead would make you think that?









The thong, that no one should ever know you are wearing.
Think the First Lady has one of these? Maybe not.


















The other thong. Why yes. That is the President's head on Rosie the Riveter's body. Why no, we don't want to know what kid of person would wear these.










Actually, this board is pretty badass. It, and a bunch of decks like it, start at about $80 bucks. Click for closer look.



























Seen on the streets of Denver during the convention. Again, we are guessing that the First Lady doesn't wear hers very often.














Like you didn't know this was coming. We're not sure if this is a political statement or just a very, very poorly thought out tribute. But the product does prove the old saying "You're never really famous until someone puts your face on TP." Well, if it isn't an old saying, it should be.




















Again, we wish made this up. We didn't. It's a dildo. We have no comment at this time besides "Ew."

Today We Hate... The Inevitable Obama Overload

Today is for celebrating, but that doesn't mean we can't find stuff to complain about. In fact, we don't mind complaining about the celebration itself. Here's our list of things that we find really, really annoying about the Inauguration of our 44th President.

First, nothing much has changed. We hate to dismiss any event as "just symbolic," because symbols are important, but the curmudgeon in us likes to point out that Obama won't make terrorists love us, end all racism and magically create a replacement for oil. One man on the Mall interviewed on TV said the Obama presidency would mean "people around the world will finally begin to love each other." Apparently, the gentleman is under the impression that President Obama will be giving everyone on earth lots of free Ecstasy.

Another annoyance is the notion that the Inauguration is a "black holiday" or just a party for Democrats. The coming of a new president, the tradition, pageantry, and above all the smooth and peaceful transition of power, should be enough to thrill any patriot, of any political stripe. Obama's victory, with it's implicit suggestion that truly anyone can grow up to be president, is not just for black people, but whites, Asians, and Polynesian/Polish/Puerto Rican blends. The advance of racial harmony that Obama represents is one all Americans can, and should, be proud of.

Coverage of the security is annoying as well. Yes, the new president is (literally) an African-American, and some people haven't gotten over it. Of course, there are always nutjobs who want to hurt the most powerful man on earth. Yes, huge public gatherings like an Inauguration Parade have a higher threat of terrorist attack. But we have lived in a post-9/11 world long enough to know that. About 15% percent of the Inaugural news coverage seems to be about all the armed guards in Washington. It's dull. We get it. "Security," in the English language's most overused phrase, "is tight." Stop. (Along those same linguistically picky lines, if we hear one more newscaster use the words "virtual lockdown," we are going to kick someone's ass. )

Finally, we have the mystery of commemorative plates. It's easy to make fun of the tacky materialism around American politics... And so we will. Specifically, why has a décor trend, decorative plates, that's been out of style since the 1950's, come roaring back with Obama? It's weird, like he's a black Elvis. With better taste. Is there some cultural nuance we're missing here? In all our time on earth, we have never once had the urge to buy a plate we couldn't eat from.

JockSniffing 01.20.2009

Admittedly figure skating isn't our favorite form of competition. There's just something off about a sport that judges competitors on "artistic merit." Sports are supposed to be decided by who is faster, stronger and smarter, not who looks the prettiest. But we will put aside our petty prejudices against skating for the sake of Molly Oberstar, 20. She's competing in the upcoming U.S. Figure Skating Championships in Cleveland. In addition to skating, the Duluth native has entered a Twin Cities magazine's "Real Model” contest, where she describes herself as 5'8'', "with a slender build toned by fifteen years of competing in the sport of figure skating." And with that, we take back everything bad that we ever said about the sport.


The point spread for Super Bowl XLIII is settling in at Pittsburgh -7. If you are really, really new to gambling, it means that bookmakers expect the Steelers to beat the Cardinals by a touchdown. We, however, like the Cards to win outright.
















Via The Big Lead, via the New York Post, comes this shot of Derek Jeter and "Friday Night Lights" star Minka Kelly. We thought she only liked football players. Derek looks stunned. Captions, anyone?

Mayor Richard M. Daley, an advocate of having two NFL teams in Chicago, explained on a morning sports talk show. "We should have a second NFL team in Chicago," the Mayor said, "If San Francisco has two, New York has two, Florida has three teams… and when you take Washington, Baltimore and Philadelphia, they have three teams there in that region, we could easily support a second pro football team."

Right. Except San Francisco doesn't have two NFL teams. Oakland is separate city. The same goes for Baltimore, Washington and Philadelphia. All separate towns entirely. As for Florida, we are fairly certain it isn't a city, but a state -- and a big one at that. Somewhere, a fan of pro football in Los Angeles heard the mayor's words and wept.

There is a new era upon us. An era of hard work and personal responsibility and where the wealthiest at poorest Americans will work together for the common good. Except the owner of the Florida Marlins, Jeffrey Loria. He still wants the taxpayers of Miami to build him a new build a $500 million baseball stadium. The vote on the new park was supposed to be this week, but pushed back a month because too many people went to DC.