Like, for instance…
"We work hard and we play hard."
In our experience, anyone who uses this phrase never does the latter. Usually, by "playing hard" they mean drinking after work and not leaving when Happy Hour ends. Gee, stand back everybody. Keith Richards has a new rival for king of the party monsters.
Amateur PornographersLook, it might be fun for you to stick a video camera between a woman's legs, but it's not nearly as fun for us to watch the tape. Pull back once in a while. If we can't see her face and body, it's not erotica. It's gynecology.
All Weddings, Everywhere
Crashing weddings may be fun, but going to weddings of people you know is the worst conceivable way to spend a weekend next to marathon root canal. The typical wedding is three days of emotional blackmail, family drama, drunk uncles, bad music, and avoiding that one weirdly desperate bridesmaid who everyone wishes would come out of the closet.
Weddings are doubly awful when held someplace exotic, like Jamaica or Hawaii, when guests then must shell out $2,000 bucks each for the privilege of all that stress. Listen, engaged couples: Why should anybody get excited about your nuptials when half of all marriages end in divorce? How about this for a new plan: No wedding gifts until you celebrate your tenth anniversary. Prove you are going to be together for a while and people will be a lot happier about having to buy you a toaster.
Every Film That's Set in Paris
There's always a window looking out on the Eiffel Tower. Surely, somewhere in that city there's a room facing the other way.
Gay Men Who Fondle Straight Girls
We are convinced that most do it just to bother straight guys. "See what I get to do?" Not cool, gay men.
Dudes Who Want to Tell You How Drunk They Were Last Weekend.
Yeah, we get it. You consumed a great deal of alcohol. Unless the story ends at a police station or hospital, nobody cares.
Some of the Stuff Mom Says
Moms, please don't remind full-grown adult men that they need to floss. It's embarrassing.
Really Hot Women Who are Blind, Deaf or Mute and Witness a Murder
What's the deal, really hot women who are blind, deaf or mute? Why are you always witnessing murders and needing to be protected by a detective who is gruff with a heart of gold? Did you ever think to stop hanging around places where people commit murders? We're just saying.
People Who Refer to Prisons Where Inmates Watch TV as "Country Clubs"
There are two surefire ways to tell when you are in prison. One, armed guards prevent you from leaving. Two, people that you don't know try to have gay sex with you in the shower. If you are experiencing either or both of these, a country is not where you are.
