Thursday, September 4, 2008
CHAD IS NOT RAD

Last week, in what many thought was a joke, the wide-out formerly known as "Johnson" claimed to have legally changed his last name. He wasn't joking. Chad is now legally named "Chad Ocho Cinco," and the Bengals announced Thursday that they would "begin the process of listing the former Chad Johnson as Chad Ocho Cinco for all club business," including, yes, his jerseys.
Well, played Chad! Way to show the world that no one, not even Roger Goodell, can keep you from having a really stupid last name.
at
3:01 PM

HOW TO GET INTO ANY NIGHTCLUB
These guys can get into any club, for free, without waiting. Nice! Sure, they're Australian nightclubs, but still.
at
2:28 PM

TODAY IN SEX (10/4/08)
DUCK SEASON! (WRABBIT SEASON!)
Another phone-sex typo, this time from the good folks at the US Post Office. Duck season is open in the north and, to be legal, waterfowl hunters age 16 and older must buy and carry the Migratory Bird Conservation and Hunting Stamp, commonly known as "the duck stamp." This year's version, sold by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, includes a phone number for people who want to order more. But there's twist: The correct number, 1-800-782-6724, translates to 1-800-STAMP24. But the version being sold has two transposed digits, translating to "1-800-TRAMP24." That will hook you up with "Intimate Connections," $1.99 a minute phone-sex line.
LIKE SAUDI WOMEN NOT BEING ALLOWED TO DRIVE…
Australian girls were warned Wednesday that playing the Aboriginal musical instrument, the didgeridoo, could lead to infertility. The debate about was sparked by the publication of an Australian edition of "The Daring Book for Girls" which includes instructions on how to play the long, tubular instrument. Something called the Victorian Aboriginal Education Association said that telling how to play the instrument was "an extreme cultural indiscretion" and "part of a general ignorance that mainstream Australia has about Aboriginal culture." They've called for the book to be banned. Nice. HaperCollins, cowtowing to what strikes us, at first glance anyway, at some pretty appalling sexism, has agreed to remove the offending chapter.
JOE DIRT'S A DAD
Sardonic comedian David Spade has announced, Jerry Springer-style, that he is indeed the father of a baby born to his ex-girlfriend, Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace. Earlier this year, Grace announced she was pregnant with the actor's baby. Spade said he'd take responsibility--- if a paternity test proved he was the father. Well, the DNA has spoken and the magical and the world might just have a new Playmate circa, 2040. Or another comedian. Or, maybe, the first ever comedian Playmate. Kendra doesn't count.
Another phone-sex typo, this time from the good folks at the US Post Office. Duck season is open in the north and, to be legal, waterfowl hunters age 16 and older must buy and carry the Migratory Bird Conservation and Hunting Stamp, commonly known as "the duck stamp." This year's version, sold by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, includes a phone number for people who want to order more. But there's twist: The correct number, 1-800-782-6724, translates to 1-800-STAMP24. But the version being sold has two transposed digits, translating to "1-800-TRAMP24." That will hook you up with "Intimate Connections," $1.99 a minute phone-sex line.
LIKE SAUDI WOMEN NOT BEING ALLOWED TO DRIVE…
Australian girls were warned Wednesday that playing the Aboriginal musical instrument, the didgeridoo, could lead to infertility. The debate about was sparked by the publication of an Australian edition of "The Daring Book for Girls" which includes instructions on how to play the long, tubular instrument. Something called the Victorian Aboriginal Education Association said that telling how to play the instrument was "an extreme cultural indiscretion" and "part of a general ignorance that mainstream Australia has about Aboriginal culture." They've called for the book to be banned. Nice. HaperCollins, cowtowing to what strikes us, at first glance anyway, at some pretty appalling sexism, has agreed to remove the offending chapter.

Sardonic comedian David Spade has announced, Jerry Springer-style, that he is indeed the father of a baby born to his ex-girlfriend, Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace. Earlier this year, Grace announced she was pregnant with the actor's baby. Spade said he'd take responsibility--- if a paternity test proved he was the father. Well, the DNA has spoken and the magical and the world might just have a new Playmate circa, 2040. Or another comedian. Or, maybe, the first ever comedian Playmate. Kendra doesn't count.
at
12:13 PM

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TODAY IN SEX
Star Trek/Love Boat Mashup
Who would you rather, Beverly Crusher or Dianna Troi? No cheating. Seven-of-Nine is not on the ballot
at
11:02 AM

Wednesday, September 3, 2008
THINGS THAT SHOULD DISQUALIFY YOU FROM VOTING (BUT DON'T).

In fact, you may be better off not voting -- at least if you love America. Sure almost every US citizen 18 or older has the right to cast a ballot, but that certainly doesn't mean they should. There are millions upon millions of people in this great land who should be denied the vote, simply on the basis of sheer stupidity. The Hutch has a whole list of things that should, but sadly don't, disqualify people from voting. If any or all of the following apply to you, do America a favor -- stay home on November 4th. But watch out for Diddy. He'll be mad.
You compare John McCain to Adolph Hitler.
Adolph Hitler was a raving psychopath who started the largest war in human history and personally implemented a system of genocide based on insane theories of racial supremacy. You may or may not agree with John McCain's position on National Health Care, but you can be pretty sure that he won't declare war on half the world, load Jews into boxcars and start scouring the world for the Lost Ark of the Covenant. If you, like Madonna, are incapable of distinguishing between someone whose policies you disagree with and one of the most unequivocally evil men in all of human history, you shouldn't be allowed near a voting booth, let alone inside one.
You think Barak Obama is a secret Muslim.
One of the more persistent bits of gossip around this election is the notion that Obama is some kind of crypto-Muslim fifth columnist who will establish a caliphate in the United States. This is because he spent part of his childhood in Indonesia, where he attended a local mosque. Since then, Obama has converted to Christianity, being baptized 1988, has been a member of the Trinity United Church of Christ for most of his adult life where he has repeatedly and publicly professed his Christian faith. Ask any Muslim, they'll tell you -- that's no Muslim.

You have more than one bumper sticker on your car
Have we as a nation become so desperate for attention that we must express ourselves to every stranger unlucky enough to be behind us during rush hour? New Rule: You get one sticker. One. Obama or McCain. For the Iraq war, or against it. Nuke the gay, unborn whales. It doesn't matter. You get one sticker. More than that, and you're just that


You think Sarah Palin didn't give birth to Trig Palin.
Surely, you've seen this one buzzing around the blogosphere, next to those warnings about spider eggs in bubble gum. The idea is that Sarah Palin, to avoid scandal, is only pretending that newborn baby Trigg is hers. The baby's "real mother" is supposedly her 17-year-old daughter, Bristol. Right. That makes sense. The Palins are trying to hide the fact that their daughter got pregnant by announcing to the world that's their daughter got pregnant -- after she already had the child. Clever. How are they going to explain it a few months when Bristol delivers?
You Chant
Democrat, Republican, Left or Right, it doesn't matter. Watching the political conventions the last few weeks, one thing has become abundantly clear: Chanting is creepy. Unless, of course, you're at a football game and chanting something cool like "De-fense, De-fense." Then it's good clean fun.
at
6:09 PM

TODAY IN SEX (10/4/08)

PHONE SEX
A typo by the University of Central Florida's director of athletic communications sent reporters trying to dial a teleconference to a phone sex hotline instead. According to the Orlando Sentinel, instead of dialing into coach George O'Leary's news conference, reporters were greeted by a woman's voice saying, "Hi, sexy. You've reached the one-on-one fantasy line." Oops.
Here's a fantasy: UCF making a bowl game without rookie NFL-er Kevin Smith
HARRIET POTTER?
Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe says he'd like to play a drag queen. "I think part of me would love to play a drag queen,' says the 19-year-old actor, " Just because it would be an excuse to wear loads of eye make-up.'
Somewhere at Hogwarts, Dumbledore is pleased.
STILL HOT, STILL DEAD
Rare footage of Marilyn Monroe is to be put up for auction almost 50 years after it was presumed lost. The short two-and-a-half minute 8mm film of the Hollywood legend, and first Playboy cover girl, was shot by an amateur on the set of 'Some Like It Hot' in 1959.

She's the blonde outside the tub. The girl inside? Not sure. Looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal.
A RIVER IN EGYPT
New York Magazine is reporting that Vanity Fair is reporting (got it?), that Anne Hathaway' s ex-boyfriend was arrested because he dated the actress. The Italian businessman is currently in jail awaiting $21 million bail and facing 20 years in prison if found guilty on charges of wire-fraud and money-laundering. A friend told the magazine. “If Raffaello wasn’t dating Anne Hathaway, this wouldn’t have happened.” and “The U.S. attorney doesn’t get out of bed for [the kind of charges filed against Follieri],”
Sure, FBI guys are human, too. They probably just wanted to see these pics:
at
10:43 AM

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TODAY IN SEX
A Tribute to Don LaFontaine
"In an world..."
You may not know his name or face, but you've heard his voice --- thousands and thousands of times. A short tribute the greatest voice-over announcer of all-time. R.I.P. to "The Voice," the great Don LaFontaine.
You may not know his name or face, but you've heard his voice --- thousands and thousands of times. A short tribute the greatest voice-over announcer of all-time. R.I.P. to "The Voice," the great Don LaFontaine.
at
9:33 AM

Tuesday, September 2, 2008
THE BEST GAME SHOW EVER
Sure, maybe you like the challenge of "Jeopardy!" (I'll take the Many-Worlds Theory of Quantum physics for $200 please, Alex.") Or maybe you are mesmerized by watching the "Wheel or Fortune" spin. No matter. We know the best game show ever -- and you don't have to get spayed or neutered to watch. (
-Hat Tip to CollegeHumor.com
-Hat Tip to CollegeHumor.com
at
9:39 PM

RATING THE LADIES
Usually, only two women play big roles in Presidential election; the potential First Ladies. But thanks to John McCain's surprising pick for a Vice Presidential candidate, we've got three women to discuss this year. And, oh, what women they are. Does anyone remember when women in politics looked like Bess Truman? The two prospective First Ladies; Cindy McCain and Michelle Obama are downright dishy. Throw in Sarah Palin as a Veep candidate and you've got some genuine babe-age to discuss.
While others debate the political ins-and-outs of the Iraq War and Health Care, the Hutch will focus laser-like on the issue that matters most: which of these women would you rather bang? Sure, all of these smart, capable ladies are married. The Hutch would never encourage anyone to break their marriage vows. But, hypothetically speaking, we have no problem debating who we'd most like to do. Because we are men. Straight men. Discussing bone-ability is what we do.
Cynthia McCain:
PROS: She's blonde (Always a plus, right Hef?) with a classic, American beach-bunny look. She's also crazy rich; heading up one of the largest Anheuser-Busch distributorships in the country. And, since her money comes from beer, she's probably keeps a well-stocked fridge.
CONS: She's too old for our tastes and seems more than a little stuffy -especially since she had to get sober. That might be good news for Americans who want dignity in a First Lady, but stuffiness is not a quality that will move you up the bang-a-bility scale.
Michelle Obama:
PROS: Great legs, high cheekbones and a million-dollar smile.
CONS: No boobs, and her under-bite is annoying -- she always looks a little mad. Besides, that hair, a Mary Tyler Moore-circa-1975 flip, seems to be made out of black lacquer and molded steel. Hair that doesn't move in gale force winds is not a seductive thing.
Sarah Palin:
PROS: The former beauty pageant contestant has nice curves and a Tina Fey-esque, naughty librarian vibe. She also once worked as a sportscaster, so she might not mind if you wanted to watch the game.
CONS: Five kids? You could hear an echo in there.
While others debate the political ins-and-outs of the Iraq War and Health Care, the Hutch will focus laser-like on the issue that matters most: which of these women would you rather bang? Sure, all of these smart, capable ladies are married. The Hutch would never encourage anyone to break their marriage vows. But, hypothetically speaking, we have no problem debating who we'd most like to do. Because we are men. Straight men. Discussing bone-ability is what we do.
Cynthia McCain:

PROS: She's blonde (Always a plus, right Hef?) with a classic, American beach-bunny look. She's also crazy rich; heading up one of the largest Anheuser-Busch distributorships in the country. And, since her money comes from beer, she's probably keeps a well-stocked fridge.
CONS: She's too old for our tastes and seems more than a little stuffy -especially since she had to get sober. That might be good news for Americans who want dignity in a First Lady, but stuffiness is not a quality that will move you up the bang-a-bility scale.
Michelle Obama:
PROS: Great legs, high cheekbones and a million-dollar smile.

CONS: No boobs, and her under-bite is annoying -- she always looks a little mad. Besides, that hair, a Mary Tyler Moore-circa-1975 flip, seems to be made out of black lacquer and molded steel. Hair that doesn't move in gale force winds is not a seductive thing.
Sarah Palin:
PROS: The former beauty pageant contestant has nice curves and a Tina Fey-esque, naughty librarian vibe. She also once worked as a sportscaster, so she might not mind if you wanted to watch the game.
CONS: Five kids? You could hear an echo in there.

at
3:56 PM

E-BAY STUFF WE WON'T BE BIDDING ON, VOL 3
Yes, it's an average, standard-sized, previously used golf ball. Sure, you can buy 100 used golf balls online for, like, $50. But this one, you see, has a cartoon face of Adolph Hitler drawn on it. That, apparently, makes all the difference. The "Buy It Now" price for this artistic gem? A very reasonable $2,000. Yep. You read that right. That's $2,000 in American green money. But, hey, shipping is free, so it all balances out, right?
Text from the actual ad (seller's caps):
ALL SALES FINAL IF YOU ACTUALLY BUY THIS
WHY WOULD YOU BUY THIS? TO RESELL IT MAYBE?
I HEARD THE 'GOLF BALLS THAT LOOK LIKE ADOLF HITLER' MARKET IS BOOMING RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR
P.T. Barnum famously said there's a sucker born every minute, and this auction could make you think he was seriously underestimating the time-frame. But, wait! Reaffirming our (admittedly feeble) faith in humanity, at the time of this writing the HITLER GOLF BALL has received precisely zero bids. None. Nada. Zippo. Maybe we should rethink those plans to sell the MUSSOLINI SHOT PUT.
at
12:47 PM

DRINK O' THE DAY
3 oz. Light Rum
3 tbs. Crushed Pineapple
3 tbs. Coconut Milk
Pour all the ingredients into an electric blender along with two cups of crushed ice. Blend at a high-speed for about ten seconds and pour into a tall glass. Serve with a straw, then drop on the Rupert Holmes pop nugget "Escape" and enjoy. Paper umbrella optional
at
12:11 PM

TODAY IN SEX (9/02/08)
SEX ON THE BEACH
A British couple on trial for allegedly having sex on a Dubai beach asked the judge on Tuesday to be allowed to leave the country. Michelle Palmer and Vince Acors asked the judge for a "quick ruling" that would let them return to Britain. But Judge Hamad Abdul Jawad disregarded the request and scheduled another hearing for Sept. 9 so the policeman who arrested the couple could testify. If found guilty of getting busy on the beach, the pair could face two years in jail.
You know, because Dubai is one of those "liberal" Arab states.
BANG IT LIKE BECKHAM
Soccer ace David Beckham has reportedly turned to magic to score more with his wife, Victoria. Made by a company called Energy Muse, the beads come with a scroll promising the wearer will have better sex -- providing they chant every day. The 33-year-old LA Galaxy star was spotted wearing the necklace on his wrist at the opening of Gordon Ramsay's new restaurant in LA.
Okay, we don't claim to experts on the magic power of sex beads, but we can say that necklaces, generally, are supposed to be worn around your neck.
OH, YOU BEAUTIFUL DOLL
Police in Japan are embarrassed by an apparent murder that turned out to be an unusual case of mistaken identity. After a frantic call from a couple who had spotted a "corpse" while walking their dog in the woods, fifteen officers were dispatched to the scene. They found "a human form wrapped in plastic and tightly bound around the neck, midriff and ankles, with hair protruding from one end." The body was taken for examination and the crime scene secured by police. By mid-afternoon, the body was in the hands of police pathologists who discovered that it wasn't a decomposing corpse, but a discarded life-sized sex doll.
The sex doll's family could not be reached for comment. However, through friends, they have requested that the media respect their privacy in this very difficult time.
A British couple on trial for allegedly having sex on a Dubai beach asked the judge on Tuesday to be allowed to leave the country. Michelle Palmer and Vince Acors asked the judge for a "quick ruling" that would let them return to Britain. But Judge Hamad Abdul Jawad disregarded the request and scheduled another hearing for Sept. 9 so the policeman who arrested the couple could testify. If found guilty of getting busy on the beach, the pair could face two years in jail.
You know, because Dubai is one of those "liberal" Arab states.
BANG IT LIKE BECKHAM
Soccer ace David Beckham has reportedly turned to magic to score more with his wife, Victoria. Made by a company called Energy Muse, the beads come with a scroll promising the wearer will have better sex -- providing they chant every day. The 33-year-old LA Galaxy star was spotted wearing the necklace on his wrist at the opening of Gordon Ramsay's new restaurant in LA.
Okay, we don't claim to experts on the magic power of sex beads, but we can say that necklaces, generally, are supposed to be worn around your neck.
OH, YOU BEAUTIFUL DOLL
Police in Japan are embarrassed by an apparent murder that turned out to be an unusual case of mistaken identity. After a frantic call from a couple who had spotted a "corpse" while walking their dog in the woods, fifteen officers were dispatched to the scene. They found "a human form wrapped in plastic and tightly bound around the neck, midriff and ankles, with hair protruding from one end." The body was taken for examination and the crime scene secured by police. By mid-afternoon, the body was in the hands of police pathologists who discovered that it wasn't a decomposing corpse, but a discarded life-sized sex doll.
The sex doll's family could not be reached for comment. However, through friends, they have requested that the media respect their privacy in this very difficult time.
at
10:30 AM

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TODAY IN SEX
Kate Hudson: Why?

First, what kind of "friends" reveal the most intimate details of your personal life to Star Magazine? Aside from that, can someone please explain the massive appeal of this woman? Okay, she's cute. Nice smile, good legs. Pretty at best, but nothing you couldn't see on any college campus in America. Hudson has absolutely no chest (see: "Almost Famous"), not much of a butt, and has made precisely one watchable movie (see: "Almost Famous") in her inexplicably successful film career. What, exactly, are we missing here?
Come on, Owen. Every guy has fantasies about a woman that dumped him begging to be taken back. But trust us, the fantasy is always better than the reality. Move on, dude. There are three billion women in the world and many of them wouldn't mind dating a movie star.
at
9:56 AM

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