LOL: The Rickles Roast

The Friars Club Roast? They are always fun. The Comedy Central Roasts. They're okay sometimes. But the Dean Martin Roasts. Now they had style, baby.

Want to know when you've made it? When you got two nicknames. Here's Don Rickles; Mr. Warmth and the Merchant of Venom, roasting Frank Sinatra; Ol' Blue Eyes/Chairman of the board. With a bonus President of the United States.

Hatin on... War Mongers and Bill Moyers

David Bromwich is a Professor of Literature at Yale. David Miliband is the British Foreign Secretary, the equivalent of our Secretary of State. Bill Moyers is an award-winning, PBS journalist. All three are utterly bonkers when it comes to the War on Terror.

Miliband starts by taking issue with the very the phrase, "War on Terror. " He objects because it gives people "the false idea of a unified global enemy." He believes the West is not at war, but trying to "disrupt terror groups." Miliband's suggested response to the Mumbai attacks epitomizes the approach. "Those who were responsible must be brought to justice," he writes. "The government of Pakistan must take urgent and effective action to break up terror networks on its soil."

Well, sure. That's great idea. Except the government of Pakistan doesn't seem very interested in doing any such thing. Quite the contrary, in fact.

Miliband ignores the money behind terror. Terrorists don't spring from nowhere like mold in the bathtub. In Pakistan, for instance, terrorism is fostered by the country's tens of thousands of fundamentalist madrases and mosques, most paid for by Islamic radicals in Saudi Arabia.

Certainly, terrorists in around the globe have different grievances, tactics and sponsors, In Gaza, for instance, Hamas is supported by Iran. (Don't get us started on the Revolutionary Guards. They also picked up the tab for Hezbollah's attacks on Israel in 2006.) But all these glocally divergent groups do ave a lot in common. Let's put it this way. If you could ask a room full of Iraqi insurgents, Taliban, Hezbullah and Hamas fighters (rough crowd) if they thought they were fighting a war, ten out of ten of them would say "yes." Specifically, most likely, a Jihad.

David Bromwich, the Yale Literature Professor, is also adamantly opposed to the War on Terror. But Bromwich, in this Huffington Post dissertation on Gaza, could care less about Pakistan and the Saudis. He says Israel is the core of the Muslim world's anger at the West, and says the gaza war is doomed because "killing terrorists create more terrorists." Bromwhich vow, "You cannot obliterate a people into a just and lasting peace."

Really? The peace imposed by the Union on the Confederacy after the Civil War wasn't very ust, but it seems to have lasted. And what about Nazi Germany? The Nazis were obliterated justly. In fact, a lot of high-ranking Nazis got off easy. The peace has surely lasted. So far, anyway. You never know with Germans.

Despite pulling out of Gaza three years, ago and now simply wanting rockets not to be fired from it, Bromwich says Israel "will have to give up a large part of the settlements it now holds." Apprently he thinks Hamas won't fire rockets over a new border.

Still in Gaza, Bill Moyers finishes up with this twisted gem. He says Israel is "killing indiscriminately; the elderly, kids, entire families" and "destroying schools and hospitals."

Wow. Whatever your views on the Middle East, that's just factually untrue. Israel has not waged war on the entire population of Gaza, about 1.5 million people. Israel, PR conscious as ever, has tried to avoid hurting civilians. "Schools and hospitals," for Moyers, apparently refers to the Israeli military strike on a UN-run school in Gaza -- a strike in response to mortars fired from nearby. No hospitals have been reported damaged. That "schools and hospitals" line must have just felt so good that Bill couldn't resist using it.

Finally, Moyers, boils it all down in a really funked-up way.

What we are seeing in Gaza is the latest battle in the oldest family quarrel on record. Open your Bible: the sons of the patriarch Abraham become Arab and Jew... Go to the Book of Deuteronomy... '...You must tear down their altars, smash their pillars, cut down their sacred poles, set fire to the carved images of their gods, and wipe out their name from that place.' So God-soaked violence became genetically coded.

Wow. Dude. Seriously. Is Bill Moyers, like, freaking out. Did he just say war was "genetically coded?" Did he just say all Arabs and Jews are biologcally predisposed to violence? Because it seems like that's what he was trying to. But that would be an ignorant, deeply racist and just plain bizarre thing to say -- especially someone working for taxpayer funded PBS. We must have misunderstood.

Celebratin'... Metallica

April 4, Metallica will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Yesterday, the metal legends said they have set aside personal differences and invited original bassist Jason Newsted to join them for the induction. “There’s been an invite put out, no doubt,” James Hetfield said. “We want everyone to celebrate — everyone who’s been a part of it. ... You don’t want to see the drama of a… unfortunately, Blondie or [Sex] Pistols or Van Halen." Funny. He didn't say anything about Dave Mustaine.

The Grind is going to celebrate Metallica's HOF entry with two covers of the band's work and one massive blast of the real stuff.


Korn with a reverent cover of "One." Yes, Metallica had
a song called "One" before U2 did.



Bluegrass band Iron Horse with a wild, dexterous cover
of "Enter Sandman." Kirk Hammett likes it.


Finally, the real deal. This is the thunderous and
cruel "Last Caress/Green Hell" Misfits medley from
1987's "Garage Days Re-Revisited" EP. Absolute devastation.

JockSniffing 01.16.2009

The Big Lead scored a sweet interview with SportsCenter anchor Scott van Pelt.

"Ahhhhh, the blogs. I have tried to open up a dialogue with a number of them. You, AJ over at Deadspin - my dear pal Will before him, Brooks at Sportsbybrooks, Brian at Awful Announcing among others.

"The purpose of this is not to try to earn points so that if I take a picture of my junk on my phone or use it to leave another horrifying voicemail you won’t run it. You WILL run it and be giddy to do so. I have come to terms with that. The purpose is to try to remove the illusion of us and them that existed. There is no us and them - there’s just us and you all have become part of it as the face of media morphs."

He is a bright guy, that Scott Van Pelt. Too bad that he's such a golf freak.

Sports by Brooks picks up the moderately hysterical tale of Newcastle United striker Shola Ameobi. Ameobi came home to find clothing strewn everywhere and his checkbook missing. In a panic he called police and detailed a list what was missing. As cops were on their way to investigate the break-in, he stumbled across the “stolen” items and had to call the cops back, and tell them not to bother, because he had left it so messy it just looked like a burglary.


The video quality is weak, and normally we don't like Steven A. Smith, but his response to what Skip Bayless says about Tim Tebow is freaking hysterical.


We are going to guess that someone who works at "Jeopardy!" is not a New England Patriots fan.

Just think. By Sunday evening, we all will know who is going to the Super Bowl. We are betting our entire collection of vintage Playboys on the Ravens and Cardinals to cover.

Textual Healing 01.016.2009

The Denton Record-Chronicle says a man in Denton, Texas got big surprise from UPS. He was expecting tools he ordered from Sears, but opened the box and found 30-pounds of marijuana. He immediately contacted the police, which is the correct thing to do.

Sure, we would all like to imagine that we'd keep the stuff; throwing a massive, Rasta-themed party or maybe even selling it to finance a month in the Bahamas. But when someone accidentally delivers drugs to your door, you have got to call law enforcement. Someone, somewhere will be looking for their drugs. Call the cops. Please. But it might be okay to sneak a little pinch.

In the New York Times, Paul Krugman says Bush officials should be punished for what he calls "crimes" and "abuse of power."

"Most of the abuses," Krugman writes, "involved using the power of government to reward political friends and punish political enemies."

Isn't that pretty much the definition of politics?

Also in the Times, David Brooks says the economic crisis exposes flaws in the economic theory at all points of the political spectrum, far Left to Hard Right.

"Republicans," Brooks writes, "Have been trying to create a large investor class with policies like private Social Security accounts, medical savings accounts and education vouchers."

But these policies are based on the idea that investors are rational actors who, collectively, make the best choices in the long-term. That's not always the case.

Democrats also have a "mechanical, dehumanized" view of the economy. Governments can't just pump a certain amount of cash into the economy and magically "create" a certain number of jobs. Brooks writes; "You can run up gigantic deficits, hire road builders and reduce the unemployment rate from 8 percent to 7 percent, but insecure people will still not spend and invest."

Neither view, he says, Left or Right, can account for the booms, busts and bubbles in a real economy -- those wild swings driven more by psychology than economic facts on the ground.

David Harsanyi of the Denver Post says the carbon footprint of Barack Obama's inauguration could exceed 575 million pounds of CO2. "According to the Institute for Liberty," he writes, "it would take the average U.S. household nearly 60,000 years of naughty ecological behavior" to produce that much carbon.

In The New Republic, Yossi Klein Halevi offers a seldom seen view of Israel. He captures the bravado and gallows humor among a few Israeli soldiers the night before the Gaza ground invasion began.

"Should we toast to a victory party?" he asks.

"We don't have victory parties," another answers.

A Russian immigrant whom the others have dubbed "KGB" approaches the group. "I have the sniper bullets," he says.

"Bad sign," someone says, laughing. "That means we're definitely going in."

"Why couldn't we just continue bombing by air?" says a reservist from Tel Aviv.

"We wouldn't have to be going in," counters a religious soldier, "if we'd responded when they first started firing rockets."

Riveting stuff.

GearMania: Hopped Up

Traditional pogo sticks are lame. They are hard to ride and, even if you are good, the best you can do is get three inches off the ground. Not any more. Witness the Vurtego Extreme Pogo. Rather than riding on a steel spring, Vurtego Extreme riders bounce on a cushion of air. Modern Marvels has a slick explanation of how it works. Or just check out this vid.

Today in Sex 1.16.2009

Online sexual predators are not as common as the media makes out, reports Time magazine. Rather than adults, peers and young adults account for about 90% of so-called solicitations. Many are harassing or teasing communications not designed to seduce youth into offline sexual encounters. 69% of so-called solicitations involve no attempt at offline contact.

What? The mainstream media sensationalizing stories about sex and the Internet? That is a shock.



According to research conducted by a Canadian advertising agency, 65 percent of Canadians believe the country should avoid "European-style commercials that are considered risqué."

Funny, Canada emulates Europe in expansive social spending, lax defense and America-bashing. But the one thing Europe has that's completely awesome, sexy TV ads, the Canadians don't want.



A story in the UK Daily News shows that regular gardening can revitalize a man's sex drive. Scientists found that 30 minutes of gardening, five days a week, is enough to reduce the risk of impotence by around 38 per cent. The study, published in the journal European Urology, says burning just 1,000 calories a week through exercise had a significant impact on male sex drive. The study showed men could benefit from other forms of moderate exercise, such as dancing, cycling or jogging and vigorous housework.
Gardening? Housework? We wonder if this so-called study is merely an elaborate ruse to trick men into doing more stuff around the house. How many calories does it burn to lay on the couch and use a remote control?

The 39-year-old suburban Philadelphia woman who got sexy at the sleepover with ninth-grade boys is getting at least 8 1/2 months in the Bucks County Prison. Prosecutors say Honeycutt exposed herself, kissed and showered naked with boys.

The woman showed appallingly bad judgment, but nine months in jail seems a little harsh. This lady needs a new hobby -- and a new lawyer.

BabeWatch...Katrina Bowden

The Grind is fairly obsessed with 30 Rock. The stunning first season turned sour in the truncated second, but the third has been much better. Last night's show a delight, if still veering too often into "Scrubs" territory with fantasy sequences and special effects. Liz, and thus Tina Fey, was seen struggling with the cost of success. We can imagine. Being the linchpin of a presidential election must be a lot of pressure.

Also, Cerie returned last night. The delightfully vapid office ornament is played by the willowy Katrina Bowden. Set to star in the upcoming films The Shortcut and The Last Film Festival, Bowden was just 18 when she got the "30 Rock" role. Prior to that, she had appeared in one episode of "Law and Order: SVU" and two episodes of the daytime soap, One Life to Live." Some people struggle for years to find success in Hollywood. Others do not.

Celebratin'... Cheers

Ted Danson is pretty good on Damages. But whatever. To us, Danson will always be Sammy "Mayday" Malone. Today, we are paying a little visit to the bar where everybody knows your name; Chees. Um, that is, "Cheers."


"Norm!" Yeah, the video quality is lame on this Norm Peterson montage,
but the writing is sheer perfection.



In 20 seconds, Kelsey Grammar shows why he has been a staple of television
comedy for 20 years.



And, finally, of course, Woody sings.

LOL: The Poster Test

Today, we salute that eternal classic, the simple wall poster. For most of us, until well past college, the unadorned poster (often held aloft by a combination of duct tape, thumb tacks and chewing gum) is an primary means of self-expression, right up there with clothes and funny haircuts. Nothing, but nothing, says more about someone than what they put on their walls. We gathered some of the most popular posters of all time to see what they say about the people who own them.
























If you have a Scarface poster on your wall, one thing is for sure. You are white and from the suburbs. This begs the question: Do Cuban coke lords have posters of white suburban kids on their walls and listen to jam bands?


























If you know every inch of this poster by heart it means, sadly, that you are old. But, like Adam Sandler, you will never take down your Cheryl Tiegs poster.


























It depends. If have a framed, signed-by-Lucas original hung in the living room, you are awesomely cool, if a little dorky. If you have a reproduction hanging over your bed, think about getting a girlfriend.



















If you have this poster, you grew up in the mountains. Or near them. Or you have pretentious parents. Keep your tips up!


























(See above, re: Star Wars.) An original; signed, framed and hung in the living room is stylishly irreverent. If you still have the one you had growing up hung over your bed, time to move out of mom's.




















Obviously, you are utterly without originality and possibly lack all conscious thought.


























This one? If you are truly in possession of this gem, you have are our undying admiration. We might have to come by and steal it.

Textual Healing 01.015.2009

Well, it's kind of a slow news day. Unless you count a freaking plane landing on the Hudson River!

The Wall Street Journal points out that the pilot of US Airways Flight 1549 performed "one of the most technically challenging and seldom attempted feats in commercial aviation: landing on water successfully." Thrilling stuff.

A fascinating story in Jewish Week shows the complex nature of the Bernie Madoff scandal. While the Jewish charity Hadassah did lose $90 million in current assets in the Madoff scam, they had pulled $130 million from the fund over the years. That doesn't mean Hadassah didn't get screwed, or is trying to swindle anybody. The story does illustrate the incredibly complex machinations of modern finance. The math gets fuzzy, but we are starting to wonder if that "$50 billion" figure we hear about might be a little inflated.

In the NYT, Gail Collins says President Bush has been "saying goodbye for so long, he’s come to resemble one of those reconstituted rock bands that have been on a farewell tour since 1982." Funny. Unfortunately, that's the only line in the piece worth reading. The rest of the column is a stale recitation of every Bush joke from the last eight years. The only thing missing is a reference to falling off a Segue. The second Times columnist, Roger Cohen, starts out well, with a stirring ode to the potential of the new president. Then, weirdly, he falls into an over-intellectualized sort of defeatism. America, he says, has passed "the zenith of its post-cold-war power," and the "world view shaped in the Middle East by Al Jazeera is not amenable to Western logic."

Why not?

Hatin On... Trans-Human Crypto-Fascism

When worrying about economics and politics becomes too much, it helps to read something really freaky. The Grind just got very, very weirded out by "Uploading and The Big Freeze," an essay by Michael Anissimov at the Institute for Ethics and Emerging Technologies.

Anissimov is theorizing on the prospect of human mental activity being replicated by computers -- an idea which provides many insightful flashes of the "get stoned for the first time and wonder if the universe could be in a giant's fingernail" variety. Basically, and that's an understatement, the idea is that humans could upload our minds into super-processors and think millions of times faster than we do now. Humanity would become, as Gilbert Ryle said, and Sting wrote about, a Ghost in the Machine.

Anissimov believes "a complete readout of the data contents and algorithms of the human mind" could make feasible million-, billion-, or trillion-fold speedups in human brain activity, conferring "mind-boggling power." In this new world, Anissimov claims "all the old human achievements will seem inconsequential. Plato, Socrates, Einstein, Mozart, all mediocre." Except, of course, we'd guess, for the work of the great Anissimov.

The premise is certainly thrilling, but the ethical implications are fearsome. "Uploading" could be a moral disaster, he says, "as sadists could keep and torture virtual nations in computers the size of a bowling ball." We aren't sure what that means, exactly, but it definitely sound like something to avoid.

Anissimov's fix for this minor glitch; super-computerized mega-villains? No prob. "Simply eliminate the predisposition to such sadism in the human genetic code…" But he laments, "the actions and beliefs of Nazi Germany have made any such talk about eugenics verboten."

Correct. And talk of Eugenics should be verboten, because the mere idea of state-run selective breeding for humanity is terrifying to any sane human being.

As for eliminating sadism, who will define it? We all know Saddam Hussein was a sadist. But what about women who like to spank in sex play, or guys who use handcuffs? Is that sadism? Who will tell us what's perverted? Is it, perhaps, a well-paid digital ethics consultant at a high-powered think-tank who never got over reading Phillip K. Dick? Just a hunch.

Anyway, the idea that sadism, or any other aberrant human behavior, has a purely genetic basis is very far-fetched and dangerous. Sadism, however you define it, probably results from a web of factors, like family life and substance abuse history, that come into play well after the genetic decisions have all been made.

For the moment, though, we don't need worry about eliminating bad DNA to keep a mega-intelligent digital Hitler from taking over the cyberspace universe in which all humanity resides. As Anissimov wraps up by sagely noting, "Before we can mimic the human brain, we will be able to sketch out the general contours that underlie its ability to function at all."

That would be helpful. Get back to us on that. It the meantime, let us know when someone fixed Vista.

JockSniffing: 01.02.2009

Via Deadspin come this Rolling Stone story about the dark side of relationships between teachers and students. Getting it on with a high school teacher sounds like every guy's porn fantasy. But reality is not like porn. For one thing, porn has better lighting. For another, people in the real world have emotions attached to sex and things get messy in a hurry when you play with people's feelings.



AOL FanHouse picks up the story that Kobe Bryant, showing sensitivity to the economic climate, is charging a $49.99 subscription fee to access premium content on his website, KB24.com. Our first thought was that Kobe Bryant may be an even bigger jerk than he appears. Then we watched his new "viral" ad for Nike and knew so.

Danica Patrick has a couple of new ads for GoDaddy.com. The video code won't seem to embed right, so click here if you want to watch them. The first one, spoofing a steroids-in-baseball Congressional hearing, is kind of lame. The second clip is extremely sexy.

The upcoming weekend is the best of any true pro football fan's season. Unlike Super Bowl Sunday, which is more about hype and TV commercials, the AFC/NFC Conference Championship games are for hardcore fans. You don't have to go to someone else's house to watch. You don't have to fight for a seat and strain to hear the announcers over two ladies talking about the spinach dip. You don't have to hear all the Super Bowl's human interest stories, all the yapping about "bulletin board material," and the mayors of opposing cities making silly bets. Championship Sunday is for real fans; the kind who want nothing more than to hunker down on the couch in front of a big screen TV for six hours and not miss a play. The kind who love the game for what happens on the field, not all the soap opera that goes on around it.

Super Bowl betting, of course, has already begun. A gambling site reminds bettors they can get action on absolutely any aspect of the game; from who wins the coin flip or scores the first touchdown, to what songs Springsteen will play at halftime. Incidentally, the visiting Eagles are an early 3-point favorite at Arizona, and Pittsburgh is a 5-point favorite over the Ravens, if you like that sort of thing.

Today in Sex 1.15.2009

An Australian navy submarine commander who suggested female sailors wear bikinis to help reverse a recruitment crisis has been asked to step down by lawmakers, Reuters reports. Asked by an Aussie men's magazine "if female sailors all had to be hot and had to wear bikinis, would that help recruitment?" Commander Tom Phillips responded; "It would certainly get the right demographic of young men in. I'm not sure how feasible it is, however." Australia's Minister for Defence Personnel said the comments were "utterly unacceptable," and lawmakers said the skipper should be fired.

Oh yeah. He should have to walk the plank.

Phillips also revealed that submariners have an equivalent of the notorious "mile-high club." He said the "Going-Down Club" is for people who've had sex deep underwater.

The "Going Down Club"? Interesting. Does it count if you do it in a swimming pool?

Women who have high levels of oestradoil also show a greater inclination to have sex outside of their present relationship, according to research. "Marilyn Monroe is actually a really good example of a woman who was almost certainly high in oestradoil," sexologist Dr Frances Quirk said. "She was a classic hour-glass figure and, because of her relationship pattern, she was a serial monogamist."

Weird. So, high levels of oestradoil will make you sleep with the Kennedys?

An Alaskan lottery-winner story gets weirder and weirder. First, an Alaska lottery held to raise money for a sexual abuse victims' group had a surprise winner: a convicted sex offender. Proceeds of the $500,000 lottery help Standing Together Against Rape in Anchorage went to Alec Ahsoak, convicted in 1993 and 2000 for sexual abuse of a minor.

Yesterday afternoon, he was attacked on a downtown Anchorage street with a "tire iron or metal pipe," say Anchorage police. There was no robbery attempt. But whether the attack was motivated by Ahsoak's status as a lottery-winner/sex offender is, according to police, "unclear."

Yeah, it's truly a mystery. Perhaps we should call in "The Mentalist."

GearMania: Ultimate Road Trip

Usually we try to have something in GearMania you don't have to be a billionaire to afford. But, occasionally we fall in love with a product of the human imagination so extreme that we just have to share it. So what if you have to be an Arab sheik to own one?

Behold, the Race Touareg 2. This is Volkswagen's 2009 entry in the world's most brutal endurance race, the Dakar Rally. Built from an aluminum-tube frame, powered by 2.5 liter TDI engines, these beasts are built to drive 500 miles day over the world's roughest terrain.

This is what they look like wrecked. Spaniard Carlos Sainz just crashed his Race Touareg 2 out of the race, losing the lead to fellow VW driver, South African Giniel De Villiers.)

BabeWatch... Amber Heard

Sundance Film Festival is a weird deal; a week-long island of Hollywood depravity in a sea of Mormons. You walk the picturesque sidewalks of an overpriced ski town to see living clichés; overtan, botoxed blondes with giant fake boobs, guys in $800 sunglasses and cowboy hats screaming into cellphones.

There is also something fundamentally odd about the whole concept of film festivals. Unlike live sports or music, where getting swept up injh the crowd is a big p[art of the fun, movies are basically a solitary experience. The magic happens mostly in the viewer's head. It's seems vaguely incoherent about getting thousands of people together to sit alone in the dark.

But Sundance is fun, with a generally good vibe in the air. In addition to all the film industry douchebaggery, there are hundreds of kind, creative people passionately devoted to cinema. There's also lots of drink, drugs sex, and parties with movie stars -- if you can negotiate the brutal labyrinth of publicists.

Amber Heard won't have any problem getting past the velvet rope. The young actress appears in one of the festivals most anticipated films, "The Informers." This slice of early 80's debauchery from a book by Bret Easton Ellis stars Mickey Rourke, Billy Bob Thornton, Kim Basinger, Wynona Ryder and, of course, Amber.

Celebratin'... Java Junkies

Because The Grind went off on a pro-coffee rant today, celebrating all humanity's right to be a nervous twitchy mess, we are celebrating the dark, magical elixir that starts our days in sight and sound.


Try this trick at home to impress your friends -- with how much coffee you can spill.



The quintessential torch singer, and major babe, Ms. Julie London with the jazz standard "Black Coffee."


A little tune you might know, "Black Coffee In Bed" by Squeeze, the often masterful British band. Nice bolo.


There's more. But we haven't got time for "The Coffee Song" recorded by Frank Sinatra in 1946; "Coffee Shop" from rapper Yung Joc, another "Coffee Shop" by Red Hot Chili Peppers; "Coffee & TV" by the British band Blur; "Coffee Song" by Jars of Clay; and "Coffee and Cigarettes," written by Marty Robbins, and performed to great acclaim by Otis Redding. We probably missed a few. Let us know in the comments if we did.

LOL: Lenny St. Hubbins

Michael McKean is a descendant of Thomas McKean, one of the signers of the Declaration Of Independence. We are not sure what old Thom would make of the singer/actor/husband to Annette O'Toole, but The Grind is a massive fan. Before we look at McKean's work, however, here is a completely gratuitous peak at his wife in all her early-80's "Cat People" glory.















Excellent. Thanks for your indulgence. Moving on....



McKean's first big break was playing Lenny "Lone Wolf" Kosnowski on "Laverne & Shirley." Please to enjoy Lenny & the Squigtones with the passionate "Starcrossed."


As David St. Hubbins on the Spinal Tap classic, "Big Bottom."


Finally, see if you can spot McKean in the original trailer for the sleazy comic brilliance of 1982's "Young Doctors in Love." If you can't, go rent the movie anyway.

Hatin' On...The Academic-Government-Media Industrial Complex

First, they came for the marijuana. Then they came for the cigarettes. Then it was the alcohol and "trans fats," whatever they are. And what about third-hand smoke? Now it looks like caffeine is next on the hit list for the Health Police. Live Science reports on new research at Durham University that claims caffeine causes hallucinations.

You read that correctly. The study, published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, says people who consume the equivalent of three cups of brewed coffee a day have a far higher rate of "seeing things that are not there," of "hearing voices and sensing the presence of dead people."

Yes, too much coffee will turn you into Haley Joel Osment. Scary. Soon, some advocacy group will claim that coffee causes a huge number of deaths per year and recommend caffeine be taxed to discourage abuse. Then the FDA will ban coffee, tea, chocolate and Red Bull. To keep us all safe.

Okay, maybe the Health Police aren't bashing down doors to confiscate espresso machines just yet. But the "Caffeine Causes Hallucinations" story does point up how the academic/ government/media triumvirate keeps us all in a tizzy with health scares. Government research grants go to academics whose findings, inevitably, confirm what the grant-makers want to see. Those findings, in turn, get the academics more money for research. All of this is amplified by a media constantly searching for stories about silent killers and secret poisons in our daily lives.

The problem with the caffeine study is an old one; establishing a link between correlation and causality. That is, just because people who drink coffee hallucinate, that doesn't necessarily mean coffee causes those hallucinations. In fact, it may be the other way around.

Durham psychologist Charles Fernyhough explains, "It is possible that the association between caffeine intake and hallucinations was due to the fact that people who are prone to associations tend to use caffeine to help them cope with their experiences."

In English, he can't tell if caffeine causes hallucinations or people who hallucinate like caffeine. It's the same problem with half the research that makes headlines. Think of those studies that try to make a connection between video games and violence. You can want to know if playing violent video games makes kids more prone to real violence, but only discover that kids prone to violence like violent video games. That's a conclusion that would fall under the category of "Duh."

In the meantime, says the Durham researchers, "more work is needed" to establish the caffeine and hallucinations connection.

More work, you say? But who could we possibly get to do it?

JockSniffing 01.14.2009

It had to be said. Someone finally did. That weird, dancing robot that FOX uses on it's NFL broadcasts is massively annoying and more than a little creepy. Conan O'Brien nails it:



Tom Hoffarth writing for the Los Angeles Daily News, scooped everybody with the American Sportscasters Association list of the Top 50 Broadcasters. The top five is solid, though a few were before our time.

1. Vin Scully
2. Mel Allen
3. Red Barber
4. Curt Gowdy
5. Howard Cosell


Here's Cosell on Letterman.

It's kind of sad that Joe Garagiola and Jim Lampley, who is excellent, only got honorable mentions. Chris Berman is #34, which bites. Berman used to call a few baseball games, way back in the day. But he's basically a sports anchor, not a play-by play or color man.

Those Giants fans who recorded themselves smashing up cars in a parking lot? Deadspin says the cars were already trashed from a "tailgating mishap" earlier in the day, but the guys who made the tape are still in trouble. Deadspin also named their SHOTTY, with Will Leitch writing the celebratory essay. Worth a click for the video montage (even "Rocky" had a montage) of all the 2008 nominees.

Textual Healing 01.014.2008

Maureen Dowd is back from vacation and her New York Times column is vintage. She frets over Obama's nomination of Tim Geithner for Treasury Secretary, and recites platitudes on the economy like "the end may be nigh." Really, Maureen? You are going with "nigh"? Wow.

But for all her affectation, Dowd usually sneaks something worth knowing into her work. This latest column forced us to look up the Law of the Sea Treaty. In short, the agreement with the hysterically bad acronym, LOST, sets international rules for navigation, fishing and sea-floor mining rights. Proponents support it because of the strong environmental standards. Opponents think the treaty will make it harder for the US military to operate in international waters.

Like everyone else, Tom Friedman is weighing in on Gaza. (At least he is finally off China. The dire warnings about Sino-supremacy were getting a little old.) Friedman dissects what Israel did last summer in the Hezbollah war, and wonders if Israel's goal now in Gaza is to "educate or eradicate" Hamas. For all the armchair geopolitics by Friedman and everyone else, the Middle East always boils down to the same thing: Israel thinks it should exist. Most of it's neighbors disagree.

The news media made a huge, huge, huge deal about Obama having dinner with some conservative writers last night. Has our political discourse become so poisoned that it's newsworthy when a leader simply eats dinner with people he doesn't agree with? Yes. Yes, it has.

Osama bin Laden has released a new warning tape and no one cares. Just like Britney Spears, this guy gets less interesting with every comeback. Wired says that the terrorist (Osama, not Britney) bashes Bush, taunts Obama, insults Iran, Iraqi Shi'ites and the Saudis, calls for Jihad against Israel, and finally, takes a swipe at "media people" who "falsely give legitimacy to the representatives of the Crusaders." Okay. Wait. Bin Laden is mad at the media for supporting Valapariso athetics? That's just seems odd.

Everybody's favorite Libertarian-lesbian pop culture critic is back in Salon. Camille Paglia, She offers her typically brazen answers to reader email; covering the Obama transition, climate change, Sarah Palin, a possible biological basis for homosexuality and Toni Braxton. Love her or hate her, love her and hate her, Paglia is fiercely intelligent, furiously well-read and writes precisely what she believes . We can use more of that.

Today in Sex 1.14.2009

Dismissing a case against a former high school choir teacher, an appeals court ruled that Washington state law does not bar teachers from having consensual sex with 18-year-old students. The former Hoquiam High School teacher was charged with first-degree sexual misconduct for allegedly having sex with a senior in 2006. He challenged a judge's refusal to dismiss his case, arguing the student wasn't a minor because she was 18.

Yeah, we know. Teacher/student sex always seems a little creepy. It feels like a betrayal of trust. But let's face it. The girl was 18. If she's old enough to vote, and old enough to die for her country, she's is old enough to make really bad decisions about her sex life. The big shocker here isn't that a teacher wanted to have sex with his student. The shock is that a choir teacher likes sex with with women.

Women with high levels of estrogen not only look and feel prettier, they may act on those feelings by moving from man to man, U.S. researchers reported Tuesday. Estrogen, the so-called female hormone, has been shown to make women dress more provocatively and show more thrill-seeking behavior.

Coming soon to a store near you? Oestrogen cologne, body spray and aftershave.

Reuters says New York City wants to become a premier destination for people to get married. The new Manhattan Marriage Bureau opened to the public this week following a $12.3 million renovation and has won enthusiastic reviews. "We're taking Las Vegas on," said First Deputy City Clerk Michael McSweeney. "The city hopes to advance New York not just as a tourist destination, but as a marriage destination." But getting a marriage license in Las Vegas, where there is no required waiting period, is still easier than in New York, where couples must wait 24 hours after filing out a application before holding their ceremony.

24 hours? That's enough time to sober up.

GearMania: A Surfing Camera

The Consumer Electronics Show is over. Now it's time to hone our list of cool stuff to try. Like the Palm Pre, which will single-handedly bring Palm back from the dead. We also like Powermat's new wireless phone charger, and this ultralight student laptop from Intel. South Korea's LG Electronic garnered a ton of attention for its Dick Tracy-inspired wristwatch cell phone, but it won't be available for months. Meanwhile, we will have to make do with Sony's first Wi-Fi equipped camera, the Cyber-shot DSC-G3. It's the first Wi-Fi camera with a built-in browser that lets users access wireless networks, making for easy upload to sites like YouTube and Picasa. The G3, featuring a high-resolution touchscreen, 4 gigabytes of built-in memory, a 4X optical zoom and 10.1 megapixel captures, will be available at the SonyStyle website for about $499.

BabeWatch... Kelly Carlson

We're so glad to have Nip/Tuck back. Who doesn't enjoy that weekly parade of fetishists, freaks, trannys and the occasional psycho-killer? Last night marked the year's first appearance of former porn-star Kimber Henry, Christian Troy's ex-wife and the mother of his grandchild. (If you don't watch, don't ask.) The savage, bitter, crazy-hot Kimber is played by the sweet, kind, crazy-hot Kelly Carlson.

LOL: Hail Taxi

If you think Jeff Conaway has become a joke on Celebrity Rehab, it's pretty hard to disagree with you. We try to root for Jeff, but it doesn't seem like he wants to get better. He just wants to be on the show. Anyway, before he was famous for temper tantrums, back pain and a bad drug habit, he was freaking hysterical on "Taxi." This scene with Christopher Lloyd is one of the funniest in history of TV

Celebratin'... Fast Forward

Time-lapse photography has a weird way of revealing the truth about the human condition. That's why one of biggest viral videos ever, much-spoofed, was the girl who took a picture of herself every day for a year.


The Grind's first big brush with the freaky potential of time-lapse photography was a substance-addled viewing of the cult film classic, Koyaanisqatsi.


This sounds very gross, but it's really not all that graphic. Check out this time-lapse video of a rabbit decomposing and returning to the soil.


If you want to drive from LA to New York, watching this vid instead will save you a bunch on gas.


Nature!


This haunting time-lapse of a man trapped in an elevator for 48 hours will stick with you. Read the awesome Nick Paumgarten story about the ordeal in the New Yorker.

Hatin' On... Water Cooler Talk

"Should we talk about the weather? Should we talk abut the government?"

North America is in a deep freeze and Barack Obama wants to make it colder. Across the country, wherever people huddle from arctic winds, it's become a standard joke to wail "whatever happened to Global Warming?" But Steven Chu, the President-elect's pick for energy secretary told Congress that the Obama administration would "tackle the threat of global warming," using a what amounts to a carbon-use tax.

To be fair, no one says "Global Warming" anymore. Now it's called "Climate Change," which is almost vague enough to be an oxymoron. (Exactly when has the climate not changed?) The name change is a wise one, as current evidence suggests the planet isn't getting warmer. In the short run, anyway, we are having a big cold snap. The world has experienced record-setting cold spells and snowfalls for the last two years. The NOAA counted 63 local snowfall records and 115 lowest-ever temperatures in October alone. As for the ice caps, according to the Arctic Sea Ice News & Analysis, arctic ice is at it's highest levels since 1979.

Yes, indeed. It looks like the earth is entering a new Ice Age. The timing is right. It's been about 12,000 years since the last one. Then again, maybe the recent cold is caused by a lack of sunspots. Yup. Sunspots. Sunspot activity has steadily declined since 2000, and 2008 was historically quiet. In August no sunspot activity was found at all, the first time that's happened since 1913.

Never fear. Even if it is new ice age, the world's carbon emissions (the ones Al Gore hates and Obama will tax) are what will keep us warm. Discovery.com reports on scientists who think "human-induced climate change" began thousands of years ago with the onset of large-scale agriculture. That is, the cumulative effect of thousands of years of human influence on climate is what's keeping the world from freezing over now. Sweet.

Does that make sense to everybody? Does it make sense to anybody? Anyone... Bueller?

It's easy to suspect that none of these experts has the slightest idea what they are talking about. And why would that be a surprise? Since the dawn of time humans have thought they could control, or even predict, the weather and nobody has been right yet. Sometimes, it's hard to avoid thinking that all climate scientists are little more than high priests in a temple, trying to tell the future by looking at the innards of a goat.

The Grind isn't smart enough to know what a carbon use tax will mean or what the weather will brings. We are certainly for using less oil. Oil burns dirty and our dependence is a national security issue. We are just tired of being jerked around by the media/science crisis industry. It's a fair question to ask anyone who want to fight Global Warming: If the world really is melting, than how come it's so freaking cold outside?

Textual Healing 01.13.2009

You can truly see the Times a changin' with the end of Bush era. Bob Herbert, who has basically been writing a "George Bush is bad" column for eight years running, is sounding more like a columnist should. He has this proposal for adding a transaction fee to the sale or transfer of stocks, bonds and "the seemingly endless variety of exotic financial instruments that have been in the news so much lately." The idea is to curb, or at least make money from, speculators who trade constantly and "treat the market like a casino." David Brooks, meanwhile, has withdrawn from the public fray to write a brooding ode to theologian Richard John Neuhaus, who passed away last week.

Joseph Epstien writes in Newsweek that the Bernie Madoff scandal could end up being good for American Jewry, but only if wealthy Jews to stop acting like Episcopalians. Specifcally, Epstein says that Jews should not play golf.

Yeah, it sounds like it could be a hackneyed stand-up comedy premise about all Jewish men being Woody Allen-style neuortics, but there's more going on here. "Long locked out of the WASP social and commercial institutions" in America, Epstein writes how Jews formed counterpart institutions; universities, law firms and, the real nexus of American power, country clubs with golf courses.

But he says something about golf is "unseemly for Jews, who have traditionally been accustomed to taking themselves seriously." A Jew, "should be studying, arguing, thinking, working, making money, contemplating why God has put him through so many trials. A phrase like 'dogleg to the left' should never pass his lips." Funny.

The experts always know best. Check out what Those Who Know have to say in The Worst Part of the Recession is Behind Us from Forbes. Phew! That's a relief. Don't you feel better? Uh-oh. Wait. Hold on a second. Here is MarketWatch.com with No Way We'll See a Recovery in 2009. Dang. Just when we thought we had it turned around.