It's Groundhog Day, which is fine. Unless you are reading this blog entry for the hundredth time in a row because you keep living the same day over and over again. In that case, we suggest being nicer to Andie McDowell. In Punxsutawney, PA, near Pittsburgh, famed rodent Punxsutawney Phil emerged just after dawn from Gobbler's Knob and quickly scampered back in. Either he saw his shadow, so we'll have six more weeks of winter or he was put off by the roughly 13,000 Steeler fans in attendance, who had either gotten up early or, more likely, had been up all night.Textual Healing
Who else is sick to death of the drumbeat about the bad economy? Yes, the housing bubble burst and the stock market crashed. But all this "emergency," "meltdown," and "worst ____ since Great Depression" talk is starting to get on teh Grinder's nerves. Frank Rich, ever the snob, said in yesterday's in the New York Times that McDonald's and Wal-Mart doing well means the "Armageddon" is upon us. Right. Like Frank Rich has ever set foot inside a Wal-Mart.
We are getting the sense that Congress and the White House, aided by a pliant media, are hyping this economic clusterfuck to gain support for their gargantuan "stimulus" package. We were promised roads and bridges. Instead, the bill passed by the house last week would spend $545 billion that we don't have on stuff like digital TV converter box coupons and renovating Amtrak. You may be a big fan of both, but there's no way funding should be part of an "emergency" spending bill.
What we are really pissed about is that the government's whole response to the crash, under Bush and Obama, seems geared maintaining the status quo. Whether it's propping up dying financial institutions and car companies, or sending federal money to states so they can keep paying bureaucrats, everything has been done to prevent change, not bring it
Here is how a recovery happens. A husband and wife had an idea for a new kind of vibrator they called the "We Vibe". When they both got laid off from tech giant Nortel, they decided to develop and sell the new sex toy. Now businesses is booming. So, Nortel got more efficient. The couple is making money and the public gets a new product. Voila! Free markets at work. Everyone wins. And none of this would've happened if the government had bailed out the tech company.
The Senate is to take up the stimulus plan this week. We considered the possibility that Obama is such a political genius that he asked Democrats to purposely submit a totally unacceptable bill which would allow him to make a great show of comprising later. We hope that's the idea, anyway. But that's probably asking for too much.
Oh by the way, Iraq had national elections, the country's first in four years, "remarkable for the absence of serious attacks." Ho-hum.
Indictments will be served on five South African men accused of gunning down three bar patrons after an argument over penis size. An officer, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the white man went to the toilet and an the Indian followed him. While in the urinal, the Indian said his penis was bigger than the white guy's. The white man left the urinal and told his friends what happened and "the argument started." No kidding?
Here's our advice: Don't follow a guy into the bathroom unless you aspire to be George Michael. If you do follow a guy into the bathroom, don't look at his member. If you do look, don't say anything. If you say something, make it about sport... You get the idea. The behavior doesn't excuse the brutality of the response. Of course not. Still, it's pretty easy to see where this night went wrong.
JOCKSNIFFINGDoes anybody remember when it was fashionable to complain that the Super Bowl "is always a blowout."? Neither do we. The Colts beat the Bears badly and the Bucs ruined the Raiders. But every other game in the 21 century has been close in the 4th quarter. Yesterday's was no exception. Sure, we get mad about the hype before and after, and over the endless delays between plays that kill the flow of the game. We could also note that the NFL's Instant Replay system, with its endless, soul-crushing "not reviewable, but only in the last two minutes of the game; provided the host city is in Florida and we don't run out of little red flags" provisos, remains one of the clunkiest, most needlessly convoluted set of rules in sports. Ah, well. At least they got rid of that laughingstock, peep show/ replay booth on the sideline.
Anyway, why should we nitpick? The game was a thriller, three-plus hours with all the grace and savagery and technocratic excess that make pro football America's favorite game. Despite what hype-prone blowhards on talk radio may be saying, the game was far too sloppy, with too many dumb penalties, to be considered one of the all-time best. But XLIII was still a dazzling showcase for the NFL, and, not incidentally, a healthy morale boost for the nation.
Deadspin's Will Leitch is an Arizona Cardinals fan. He grew up in western Illinois, rooting for St. Louis teams. Why did Will keep his Cardinals allegiance when they left for Phoenix and were rplace dby the Rams? We've got no clue. But Will writes that the close loss yesterday in Tampa has initiated Arizona fans into the brotherhood of true sports suffering. Now fans of the heretofore laughable team have charcter; "real pain" that "feels good" because it is "raw, and throbbing, and palpable."
Ummm... What? Throbbing and raw? Will, man. That's just… gross. Please promise that you'll never, ever try to write porn.
Oh, there was other sports news yesterday, mainly that Michael Phelps smokes weed.
Finally, Rahal-Letterman Racing says they may miss the 2009 IndyCar season if they can't find a sponsor, leaving Bobby Rahal and David Letterman out of the sport for the first time in years. The Grinder has our Top Ten (of course) Reasons Why Rahal-Letterman Racing won't be racing in the 2009 IndyCar season...
10. Dave scares people by always wearing one of those driver jumpsuits.
9. The team is still hurting that Danica left for another team -- and then won her first race.
8. Main sponsor Worldwide Pants just lost billions in a global zipper scandal.
7. Dave would rather do something more environmentally conscious than racing; like fly back and forth to Montana every weekend in a private plane.
6. IndyCar? Is that the one with Dale Junior?
5. Bobby's son, Graham, won't drive for RLR. For free.
4. Those ethanol-burning engines smell to much like burnt popcorn.
3. Dave is too busy entertaining America each and every night to think about anything as frivolous as racecars.
2. Paul Schaefer gets the pit crew totally baked before every race.
And the top reason why Rahal-Letterman won't be competing in IndyCar this season is (drum roll)…
1. Because Dave always wants to ride in the backseat.
The Daily Tune: Not Fade Away
Tomorrow is the 50th anniversary of The Day The Music Died; the terrible plane crash that killed rock pioneers Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper. Here's a little-known funfact; Waylon Jennings, who played bass for Buddy Holly on his last tour, gave up a seat on the ill-fated plane.
Holly recorded this demo of "Slippin´ and Slidin´" in his New York apartment in January 1959, just weeks before his death. The song was overdubbed in 1968 and released the next year on the LP, Giant.
BabeWatch: Maggie Grace
She broke out in 2004 playing Shannon Rutherford on "Lost" until she was killed midway through Season 2. That is, the character Shannon got killed. Not Maggie Grace. She went on to make movies, one with Liam Neeson, who doesn't suck, and Famke Janssen, who is crazy hot despite having man hands. They are in "Taken," the new thriller that opened this weekend and knocked "Paul Blart" from the box office top spot. In the movie, she is kidnapped to be sold as a sex slave. That is, her character, Kim is. Maggie's just fine, as you can see here.
LOL
This brilliant prankster in Texas put one of those giant, blinking road signs to good use. Folks, we have our first candidate for 2009 Prank of the Year.
