Mark Benjamin's essay, quoted here, reminded us that SUVs are fun. That's why we busted out some truck-based humor in LOL, which is here. Now are going to complete the hat trick and unleash today's torrent of scorn on SUV drivers. But it won't be for the reasons you might think. There will be no preachy environmentalism here, no scapegoating of SUV drivers. They way they have been villainized is absurd. Someone who drives an SUV, for instance, may rarely fly. He or she would then have a far smaller carbon footprint than someone who flies all the time, regardless of whether they drive a ten-speed or an Escalade. But why let facts and individual cases get in the way of a good, sweeping generalization?
But though we never mind slapping down environmental hypocrites, we also have many, many reasons for hating SUV's and the people who drive them. It's not that SUV's are evil. It's that they are dumb. For the vast majority of people, SUV's are way, way too much vehicle and having one is like a short, slow, fat guy owning a $300 pair of basketball shoes.
Consider that almost all SUV drivers never leave the road. What's more galling than seeing some suburban mom tooling around in a brand new, tricked out Range Rover and knowing she will never take it off the asphalt? Would you buy a boat and never get it wet? Would you buy a racehorse and not let it run? Would you pay for a prostitute and not have sex with her? Okay, that last one was a little inappropriate, but you get the idea.
Treating an off-road vehicle like on taxi is just one of many reasons why someone should be banned from owning an SUV. Ask yourself: Have you ever shifted a vehicle into four-wheel drive because there were potholes? Have you ever referred to driving on a gravel road as "off-roading it"? If so, you should be made to donate your SUV to a someone who will use it properly, like a construction worker or maybe a cowboy. Similarly, if your SUV has white leather seats, or if you can't leave home without movies for the DVD player, you should have your SUV confiscated and be forced to drive a Smart Car for a year as penance.
Most people who drive SUVs never, ever need room for eight or to be able to haul a week's worth of camping gear. They do not need a vehicle that is, basically, a pickup truck with a $20,000 back seat. But they buy them because they have kids and think getting a minivan will make them old and uncool. They are correct, of course. Once you buy a minivan, you might as well get some Depends and start watching "Murder, She Wrote."
But that doesn't make an SUV any cooler. (See above: re: Suburban moms. ) You can buy that Explorer and pretend you're a roughneck pioneer all you want. One look at the baby seat and the Dora the Explorer backpack in your back seat, and everyone will know it's all a lie. Unless you are planning a safari, or an expedition though the Sirera Nevadas in winter, just shut up, buy the minivan and take your castration like a man.
