LOL: Oscar Frenzy

In Hollywood, everyone worships a little golden man. No, we don't mean Ryan Seacrest. It's almost Oscar® time. We won't watch any of the actual show, of course. Life's too short. We'll just look at all the stars on the red carpet, then flip over to DVR'ed reruns of "Sober House." Love that Shifty Binzer. But just because we won't watch the broadcast, that's doesn't mean don't have predictions. Here are the Grinder's picks for the 2009 Academy Awards.


BEST ACTRESS
Anne Hathaway: Best breasts? Yes. Best Actress will have to wait for another year.
Angelina Jolie: 'The Changeling'? Please. Did anyone that you know see that movie? Who is she kidding with that "This is not my child!!" crap? This nomination is a nod to Jolie's power and popularity, not her single-note acting skills.
Meryl Streep: Love you, worship you. But you've won too many times. Also you must be punished, somehow, for the crime of"Mama Mia!"
Melissa Leo: We have no idea who this woman is. None.
And the award goes to...
Kate Winslet: Here is everything we hate about the Oscars. Winlset will win because she has been nominated five times without winning and bitched about it in Vogue. So, she gets the gold, even though "The Reader" was painfully slow and seemed to imply that being illiterate was an excuse for having been a Nazi.

BEST ACTOR
Frank Langella: Whatever. Frank Calliendo does a better Nixon.
Richard Jenkins: Again, no clue who this man is.
Brad Pitt: The makeup and special effects were the star, not pretty boy.
Mickey Rourke: We all want him to win, of course, because it's a great comeback story. Also the acceptance speech would be a riot. How many times would Rourke get bleeped? But, sadly, it's not going happen.
And the awards goes to...
Sean Penn: While perhaps the most remarkable actor of his generation, Sean Penn is a smug, arrogant, intellectual bully with all the political integrity of an angry freshman at Bennington. It's like he uses up all his likability on-screen.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams: Too hot to play a nun.
Penélope Cruz: Too hot not to play a nun.
Viola Davis and Taraji P. Henson: We are pretty sure that neither of these two women actually exists. Their presence is some sort of elaborate prank by Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck.
And the winner is...
Marisa Tomei: Obviously. The Academy wants to prove it wasn't a mistake when she won for "My Cousin Vinny."

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Robert Downey Jr. Just kidding. Everybody knows who's going to win this one.

BEST PICTURE
The winner is The Dark Knight, of course, even if it wasn't nominated. Because the most popular movie of the year, and one of the most popular in the history of cinema, can't be nominated for Best Picture. That would make too much sense. Does the Academy ever remind you of rock snobs; people who don't like Elvis and the Beatles because they are "too popular"? Apparently, the only way you can make a superhero movie and win an Oscar is if you die before the movie comes out. No, we're not making fun of Heath Ledger. We are making fun of the people who voted for him only because his died.

On the subject of ghouls, can the Oscars® please get rid of that ghoulish montage of all the people who died in the last year? Or, at least ask the audience to hold their applause until it's over, so it doesn't come off as popularity contest that's decided by which dead person gets the most cheers.

Second-place for Best Picture is Gran Torino, which also wasn't nominated. Clint Eastwood makes his first decent movie since "Unforgiven." But instead of being rewarded like he was for dull, preachy crap like "Million Dollar Baby," he gets totally snubbed. Sigh.

Anyway on to the money shot...

The Reader: Hated... this... movie. Hated. White-hot.
Slumdog Millionaire: Sorry, the favorite will lose. The hero, really,was kind of a doofus.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Can't say. Fell asleep midway through. We know it won't win for best editing... Because there wasn't any.
Frost/Nixon: Didn't see it, don't plan to.
And the winner is...
Milk: Of course. Hollywood thinks the best movies are Important Movies, and Academy members will vote for Milk as a "screw you" to everyone else in rhe country over Prop 8.