What comes after Selection Sunday? Making Picks Monday? That doesn't have quite the same ring to it. But today is start of the best four days in college basketball. Finally, we know who's in and who's out. We know who got seeded where and what city everyone goes to. Better still, we don't have to hear the phrase "bubble team" for another nine months. Sweet. Now it's time for four glorious days of researching and ruminating, of scribbling and crossing out, of comparing guard play and shooting percentages, and finally making wild guesses based on which team has the hottest cheerleaders.But you needn't fear the brackets. The Grinder has sure-fire tips for total tournament pool domination. And by "total domination," of course, we mean that we fully expect our picks to be totally screwed midway through the first games on Thursday. Nevertheless, here's our "Five Rules for Filling Out Brackets."
RULE 1: Don't Pick For Love
If you graduated from, say, Kansas or North Carolina, you might always pick your team to make the Final Four, just out of habit. You might even consider it dangerous juju to not pick your team to make the show. Which is fine. But we're trying to fill out a winning bracket here. Sentiment and superstition can't figure into it. Besides, it's a proven scientific fact that filling out brackets has no effect on a team's NCAA tournament performance. As long as you wear your lucky hat, shorts and socks, sit in your lucky chair and have the same lucky pre-game meal before tip-off, you'll be fine.
RULE 2: Don't Pick For Hate
If you went to Michigan, it's hard to pick The Ohio State to win, anything, like, ever. The same goes for Cal fans and USC, or Florida Gators faced with the idea of rooting for Florida State. Suck it up. We like the Trojans in a mild, 7/10 upset over Boston College and have the Seminoles whipping Wisconsin. Picking a rival doesn't make you a bad fan. But if you feel really guilty about, just promise to donate some of your tourney pool winnings to your alma mater's scholarship fund.
You know what really pisses us off? The NCAA has cleaned up their act (a little) in the past few years and this tournament now has a serious lack of villains.
Where are the guys you could have fun hating? The slick and sleazy coaches with shady connections to boosters. We miss guys like Jerry Tarkanian and his teams of barely-paroled felons, and creeps like Jim Harrick, Clem Haskins and Steve Lavin. Even crazy, old Bobby Knight has left for the broadcast booth. Who is fun to hate this year, Duke? Please. America has never a duller sports villain than Mike Krzyzewski.
Rule 3: Don't worry about crazy shit
Suppose (and this won't happen) North Carolina loses to Radford. You might be depressed because you had the Tarheels in the Final Four and now think your bracket is screwed. Not so, my friend. No one else in your pool picked Radford, either. If anyone was dumb enough to make that pick, she (because we all know it would be a "she") probably also made a bunch of other wild picks that will leave her bracket ruined by the end of the first weekend.
Ah, who are we kidding? She'll win. We all know that the cute girl in the office who knows nothing about college basketball, or sports in general, wins every year. Most often she uses a system of based on which school has nicer weather.
Rule 4: 13/4 is the new 5/12
A 12-seed beats a 5-seed every year, so conventional wisdom says you have got to pick one, right? But who? Or whom? Whatev. Should it be Northern Iowa over Purdue? Nah. Arizona over Utah? Negative, Ghostrider. It's a trick question. Picking 12-5 upsets has become passé. In 2009, we're going balls-to-the-wall and taking the #13 Mississippi State Bulldogs to shock #4 Washington in the west . But wait, it's a double, super, trick question. Because there is a pretty good looking 5/12 match-up; the Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky over Illinois.
Speaking of silly college nicknames (and of Ancient Greek influence in 21st Century American life), barring upset, the Trojans and Spartans will reenact the Trojan War Sunday night in Indianapolis.
RULE 5: Ignore Everything You Just Read
Seriously. Our picks for the Final Four? They are LSU, Clemson, Missouri and Memphis. Not because we studied the brackets. We just really, really like tigers. Oh, also ignore anyone who tells you that a team will win because they have "a chip on their shoulder," from getting an unfriendly seed. By the same token, avoid teams with "something to prove" from how they played in the tourney last year. Finally, there is no dumber cliché in basketball than "momentum," as in "that team has momentum coming out of the conference tournament." Momentum doesn't last a week, folks. In college hoops, it lasts until the next big dunk.
