Dancing is essential. Whether you are single, dating or married, being able to dance, at least a little bit, is simply part of being a well-rounded, 21st century person. And no, not because dance is "good exercise" or a healthy means of self-expression. We could care less about that crap. Dancing matters because people who dance have way, way better sex lives than people who don't. The cold, cruel fact for all you wallflowers is that people who dance get laid more, because everyone assumes they are more in tune with their bodies and, hence, better in bed. Or in the kitchen. Or outside. Or whatever. That's we have got Five Steps to Not Sucking on the Dance Floor. Because we care.Step 1: Step on to the dance floor
As with love itself, you can't win if you won't play.
Step 2: Use deodorant before you do
As with love itself, it's usually best not to smell like old gym socks. Also, along those lines, dress lightly at night clubs. Nobody needs to see you sweat through your hoodie.
Step 3: Ballroom dancing is not a bad thing
Sure, your basic "man's man" will think there is something effeminate about eschewing a pick-up basketball game for tango lessons. But being the only (straight) guy in a dance studio full of under-clad sweaty, writhing women does have it's advantages.
Step 4: Be Careful With Grinding
Seriously. Grinding; hips-on-hips, or especially crotch-on-butt, must be done very, very carefully. Once in a while, with the right amount of liquid courage, done in a non-sleazy, self-deprecating way, a little grinding on the dance floor can be a blast. But if the grind is unwanted by either party, it's awkwardness on massive scale and, possibly, a felony.
Even worse, though, is when both parties are into the grind-- too much. Then life immediately becomes embarrassing for everyone around them. Please, we're begging here: do not be part of that couple. Ever. We are asking Congress to make a law that every dance flor come equipped with a garden hose so over-grinding couples can be doused with cold water like the rutting dogs they are.
Step 5: Summing up; Try to Suck Less
There are really only two basic rules for modern club dancing. Stay in time and dance with your feet.
Admittedly, "dance with your feet" might sound stupid; like telling someone to see with their eyes. But most people don't really dance much with their lower-body. They start with their heads, nodding in time, then use their hands. Only later, usually after more drinks, do the hips, knees and feet finally get involved. (The most extreme example of this style is neo-hippies, who often dance for hours only with their hands, while their feet never see daylight.
"Stay in time" means that pretty much everything you do on the dance floor should be on a eight count, because pretty much all danceable pop, rock and hip-hip is is written in the same 4/4 time signature. (No angry email. Yes, there are always exceptions.) So, while you are dancing, count eight beats in the song and move in time with that count. If that makes no absolutely no sense, practice in front of a mirror, ala Napoleon Dynamite, and it will. We hear this D-Quan guy can really lay down a groove.
