A man in Moscow was badly hurt when he drunkenly tried to have sex with a raccoon, the Sun UK reported. Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore the man's mangled organ. “He’s been told they can get things working again, but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal. “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

And now you know why the Soviet Union fell. Vodka and harsh winters are a very unstable mix.

A British government official wants a crackdown on underage drinking because of its connection to unsafe sex, the Telegraph UK says. Ed Balls, the Schools Secretary, cites a study claiming young people who are drinking are twice as likely to have unprotected sex as those who were sober.

Sure, we could joke how obvious it is that drinking, at any age, makes people do stupid things (See above, re: raccoon biting penis). But we still haven't gotten over how the guy's name is "Ed Balls."

An inmate at a southern Indiana jail who snuck between cell blocks for sex has been ruled not guilty of escape because he never left the jail. Greene Superior Court Judge Dena Martin’s ruling means charges against two other male and three female Greene County Jail inmates will also likely be dismissed. The inmates removed metal ceiling panels and used the passageway to meet for sexual encounters and homemade alcohol, a police affidavit said.

You've got to admire the ingenuity. But, at the point where you can freely roam the prison and meet for sex and moonshine, maybe it's time to think about digging a tunnel.