Last night we watched the Peoples' Choice Awards. Why not? Everybody needs to get their hate on, and the PCA provided opportunities galore. Even by the standards of awards shows, this one was stupefyingly unwatchable.
First, let's address the constant harping on the word "People." Speaker after speaker said, "This is the peoples' trophy," "The people decided, and "This one is for the people!" It all sounds vaguely Communist. Anyway, "the people" didn't decide Jack Squat. The awards were really picked, as the pre-show disclaimer clearly explained, not only by online polls, but with "market research." In other words, the trophies were given to whoever was willing to show up.
Need more reasons why the PCA's stunk and we are mad at ourselves for watching?
The Best Talk Show nominees were Ellen, Regis Philbin and Letterman. How does that work? We're not Jay Leno's biggest fans or anything, but it's hard to understand how the talk show which has the highest ratings every night wasn't even nominated for the trophy.
Dakota Fanning. She looked suspiciously like a 'tween, in her powder-blue satin, off-the shoulder gown. Two or three more years of playing precocious kids, and Fanning will be ready to take her rightful place in the firmament of Hollywood stardom. By which we mean she will play a character who has sex on-screen.
Jewel's breasts. They're here. They're gone. They're back again. Those things go up and down like the bladder in a an old pair of Reebok Pumps.
Dumb, made-up categories reminiscent of the MTV Movie Awards. Take, for instance, "Best on Screen Match-up." What an awful, awful title for a category. How about calling it "Best Pair," "Best On-Screen Duo," or "Best Chemistry"? Seriously, did 9th Graders write this crap?
Hugh Laurie. In his acceptance speech, he joked that "even if you didn't vote for me, I'll still be your favorite TV actor." It was a play on Obama's "Even if I didn't win your vote...," the funniest line of the night and almost no one in the audience laughed.
Debra Messing did a good job and it made sense to have her present for Best Guest Appearance. "Will & Grace" had more than their share of great guest stars. Still, she is Debra Messing, and so we are endlessly annoyed by her mere presence.
Gavin Rossdale's sleeves were about three inches too long for him. Hey, remember when people made fun of his band, Bush, because Rossdale was the punk rock teddy bear that Kurt Cobain never would or could be? My, how times have changed. Listen to the whiny crap that passes for rock on the radio today and you'll long for anything as hard as "Everything's Zen."
Finally, Best Leading Man was one of the categories where the winner was read off, rather than the trophy being awarded in person. Brad Pitt won. We bet they would have given him the trophy live if he'd agreed to actually show up. Ah, well. Brad must be saving all his best red carpet poses for the Golden Globes.
