For those fearing the demise of the Republic, the chilling events of the last few weeks have offered ample evidence that the end is near. No, we don't mean the ever-widening web of scandals around our politicians and financial lions. We are talking about weather wimps. There's been a teensy, tiny little bit of early winter weather this year, but to hear the media, and our fellow citizens, you would think the new Ice Age has begun.Whole cities have been paralyzed by a few inches of snow. We heard one newscaster breathlessly refer to a storm with a total accumulation of less than three inches "as a crazy blizzard." When, precisely, did a nation settled by stone-tough pioneers become a bunch of weather wimps who'll whine whenever it isn't sunny and 72? Suck it up, America. It's not that hard to put on a hat and gloves. The Grind is here to stick up for the unfairly maligned winter season; in all it's bitter, soggy glory.
First, let's start with the obvious. In winter, the world is an ashtray. Sure, it's politically incorrect to use tobacco, and even worse to admit that you cast thy butts upon the ground. But it's awesome that smokers can throw out their smokes anywhere and don’t have to worry about starting a wildfire. That's a plus.
Also, winter is responsible for most of humanity's greatest scientific advances. Heat makes people lazy. If you live in Tahiti, for example, the weather is too nice to do any more than fish and chase coconuts. Low temperatures keep the mind active, which is why virtually every great scientific advance since the fall of Rome has emerged from a culture that experiences winter.
Winter is also tremendously fun because of doughnuts. Not the kind Homer likes. The ones you do at high-speed through the magic of snow, pavement and the internal combustion engine. There's simply no better way to have fun (with your clothes on) than finding a parking lot with freshly fallen snow and playing Steve McQueen with a half-hour's worth of 180's, 360's and 720's. Incidentally, it's best to scout out parking lots before it snows, so you don't accidentally discover any medians or sewers. "Bent axel" are not words you want to hear a mechanic to say.
Critics of winter will counter, "But what about women wearing bulky clothes?"
True, in summer, women wear tank tops and miniskirts - which is one more reason why science does better in colder climates. Who can experiment with barely dressed hot ladies everywhere? Besides, whatever aesthetic advantage is gained by having sexy girls wear less clothes is offset by all the ugly people who do the same. For every taut, sun-kissed young beauty in hot pants who makes your day, there is a fat guy wearing a gravy-stained, wife-beater, showing off his thick pads of shoulder hair. Not having to see that on a daily basis is, by itself, worth a little snow.
