Today in Sex 12.29.2008

Inglewood, CA police officers have repeatedly been embroiled in serious sex-related scandals, reports the Los Angeles Times. The charges range from truly evil; like the former officer suspected in a child porn investigation, to the merely stupid; like taking cellphone pictures of prisoners during strip searches. Seven officers have been fired for having sex at local massage parlors or covering up for those who did.

One of the fired cops, hilariously, argued that while he did have sex with hookers, he didn't pay for it. Because that would have been immoral.


AP reports that the men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Republican Sen. Larry Craig was arrested is losing appeal as a tourist stop. Craig was accused of soliciting sex in the bathroom in June 2007 and pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in August. Airport officials said that crowds visiting the famous stall had thinned in recent months.

Well, of course the bathroom is losing popularity. The airport has done a terrible job of promoting the place. The don't even have a gift shop where you can get a shirt with "Larry Craig took a wide stance and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" printed on it.

Experts at the International Conference on Human Sexuality and Infertility cited a study which showed that about 15 percent of couples, globally, are infertile. Dr Abdulla Al Ansari said, "The burden of infertility is equally shared by males and females." The conference called for more research on infertility.

Right. Because there aren't already enough human beings in the world. Folks, just because science can solve a problem, doesn't necessarily mean it should. If you think about it, infertility is evolution at work. It's nature's gentle way of saying that someone's genes are no longer welcome in the gene pool. Perhaps if you and your partner can't conceive a child without a complex, expensive surgery requiring test tubes, a zygote and a turkey baster, parenthood isn't the right choice for you. You want immortality? Write a book.

BabeWatch... Keira Knightley

ABC is showing the original "Pirates of the Caribbean" tonight. Unlike the hoary sequels, "Curse of the Black Pearl" was a blast, especially with Keira Knightley playing the Hottest Captive Ever, Elizabeth Swann.

Knightley is one of our favorites. The high-cheekboned, doe-eyed stunner with a racy fashion sense has never been shy about being nude on film. (Though she might want to ditch those artsy, historical dramas for a while and play, like, a superhero or a leather-clad vampire killer.) Especially appealing is Keira's unabashedly natural body, which she wields like a weapon. She's one of the rare actresses who has built a career on not having breast implants, rather than building a career upon them.

Celebratin'... Pink

We love Pink; her husky contralto and wheels-on-fire, Rock n' Roll attitude. She makes authentic rock music that still has a dance-friendly sensibility. That's hard. And rare. We also love the way she pushes against the constraints of pretty-girl pop stardom. It's almost --almost-- punk rock. Besides, didn't Pink once accidentally set a house on fire because she was having drunk sex and forget she left an oven mitt on the stove? And wasn't it on Thanksgiving? You've got to admire that.


The heart-wrenching anthem of liberation from heartbreak, "Just Like a Pill," performed live on the "I'm Not Dead Tour." This is what Alanis Morisette would sound like if she had balls.


Okay, her politics are a little naïve. "Dear Mr. President" is some pretty simplistic Bush-bashing. One can wildly disagree with the outgoing President without claiming that he wants America's children going to bed hungry. But it's a lovely vocal performance nevertheless. If you can tolerate preachy musicians, click on.


"If God is a DJ," from the same, "I'm Not Dead" tour. Sure, it doesn't have the theological complexity of Augustine and Aquinas, but we've heard worse metaphors to explain the universe. Now shut up and dance.


A very odd cover of her best-known song, "Get This Party Started" performed by Shirley Bassey; the Brit famous for singing Goldfinger, Diamonds Are Forever and Moonraker

The real thing:

Hatin' On... Heeeey Poncho!

Usually in "Hatin' On…" we like to discuss the most serious issues of the day, like climate change, the economy and awesome boobs. But today we are delving into the frivolous; mere fashion. Specifically, we want to explore our blind and unrelenting hatred of a particular item of clothing -- the sartorial abomination know as the "poncho. "

The poncho, basically a bolt of cloth with a hole in the middle, is probably the single least functional item of clothing known to humankind. It has no pockets and thus no place to carry the assorted accoutrement a modern gentleman requires, such as; cell-phone wallet and an ample supply of condoms. The loose fit of the garment further provides absolutely terrible protection from the elements, letting wind and rain blow in from the sides. The billowing fabric also makes it hard to do anything with your arms and not get tangled up. Try wearing one while playing basketball and you'll see what we mean.

But the lack of functionality could be forgiven if the poncho has some value as a fashion statement. It doesn't. The poncho is a FAIL on a massive scale, providing the wearer with a shape only slightly less flattering than wearing a potato sack. This explains why the only people who wear ponchos are pseudo-hippies pretending not to care how they look, and fashionistas from lower Manhattan bent on "bringing back" crochet. As though crochet was ever hip to begin with.

LOL: Post-Christmas Blues

The Grinder is so glad that Christmas is over. That "spirit of good cheer" stuff is fun for a while, but all the gatherings, parties, food, drink and demands on our time (and bank account) can get a little old. (Now, New Year's Eve; that's what we call a good holiday.) But, in case you are feeling bad about the big holiday being over, we Googled the phrase "post-Christmas Blues" to see if we could scrape up some tips to cheer you up. We read this little blog comment when we clicked the first link that came up. Typos included.

"My boyfried in such a Grinch. He rails on and on about all the brainwashing to like Santa and the toys and hoopla is so "Americanata". After 6 years I hust started to scream at him about what a total bummer he is in front of my 2 year old daughter. From that moment on I feel depressed and low. I lost my temper and feel bad. Christmas sucks, he is right!"

See? Now, don't you feel better? Don't you feel blessed to finally be done with all that X-mas noise for another year? Besides, there's always movies to cheer you up. Or things that make fun of movies. The website Worth1000.com has an awesome collection of movie parody posters and we always love to see such fine photoshop skills on display. Like these two.