Yeah, right. It's not over. Jimmie Johnson needs to finish 25th or better in Miami to win his fourth straight Sprint Cup title. Child, please. It's so over. Johnson could finish 25th driving blindfolded and steering with his feet. All that's left of NASCAR's 2009 season is handing out the postseason awards. Page 2 has the trophies that maters.
BEST NASCAR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND: Eva Busch, Kurt's wife, made a strong move this year. Jeff Gordon's wife and Euro-MILF, Ingrid Vandebosch, almost regained the title she lost to Ashley Judd last season. January Jones was at the Kansas Cup race and supposedly clicked with Tony Stewart. Our winner, though, is Lynne "Kush" Kushnirenko. Sure, her husband AJ Allmendinger had a rough year. No wins on the track and a DUI off it. He still goes home to a former Miss Molson and Playboy Cyber Girl famous for how well she handles a baton. What? She's a two-time national baton-twirling champion of Canada. Get your minds out of the gutter.
WORST NASCAR WIFE /GIRLFRIEND: Ashley Judd, because she left the sport. Just because her husband Dario Franchitti went back to IndyCar, that was no reason for her to go with him.
BEST PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT: No question. Tony Stewart, hawking Whoppers.
WORST PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT: One word: ESTRADA!
FUNNIEST CAR SPONSOR: For three races, Martin Truex was sponsored by GPS-maker Tom-Tom, prompting millions of fans across America to make the same, obvious, but still funny joke. Namely, that Truex had a generic female voice in the car telling him to "Turn left in 500 feet…Turn left in 500 feet…Turn left in 500 feet…" for three consecutive hours.
UN-FUNNIEST CAR SPONSOR: When you watch the Ford 300 on ESPN this weekend, root for the cars backed by Citi Financial and BB&T. Both got federal money in the financial bailouts, so, technically, both are sponsored by the taxpayers. Presumably, we get champagne if one wins.
BEST OLD GUY: Mark Martin, duh. He's old enough to join the AARP but was the only driver to even challenge Johnson in the Chase. Sure, it's cool that Tom Watson can hit a fairway at age 59. Martin, only nine years younger, hits 200 mph every week in a pack of 43 bumping and banging racecars.
WORST OLD GUY: Denny Hamlin. Yes, he's only 29. He still whines like a cranky grandpa.
BEST FACIAL HAIR: Sam Hornish clearly spends hours a day on sideburn maintenance. Martin Truex is obsessed with Elvis and looks it. But we'll go with Dale Earnhardt Junior -- mostly because of his supernatural ability to always have a roguish, three-day stubble. Just another reason that Junior is NASCAR's biggest star. He's like Elvis. Except, you know, without all the success.
WORST FACIAL HAIR: Paul Menard and his ever-changing topiary of goatees, soul patches and Martin van Buren-esque muttonchops. If only he drove as well as he groomed.
BEST DRIVER NAME: Scott Speed. He didn't do much in his No. 84 Red Bull. Whatever. His name is Scott Speed. If he wasn't a driver, he could have his own cartoon.
WORST DRIVER NAME: Max Papis. He's a likable man and solid driver. Nevertheless, "Max Papis" sounds a retired tailor in New Jersey.
BEST FINISH: Leading on the last lap of the Aaron’s 499 at Talladega, Carl Edwards is hit, spins, flips upside-down, bounces off the Turn Four catch-fence and rolls to a stop, his car a spectacular, smoking mess. Edwards then crawls from the wreck and jogs Ricky Bobby-style across the finish line for the greatest 24th-place in the history of motorsports. Oh yeah, Brad Keselowski won the race.
WORST FINISH: Anything involving the words "fuel mileage."
BEST RACE NAME: Darlington called their race the Southern 500 -- a simple, classic title that harkens to the sport's cherished roots.
WORST RACE NAME: The Watkins Glen race, sponsored by a snack-food maker, was called the "Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips at The Glen." That's barely English.
BEST PAINT JOB: The No. 26 Crown Royal Ford. Granted, the jeweled crown on a velvet pillow doesn't inspire fear. But with Jack Daniel's and Jim Beam dropping sponsorships in 2010, Crown is the only whiskey sponsor left in a sport founded by moonshiners.
WORST PAINT JOB: Juan Pablo Montoya not only helped Bob Griese learn the difference between Mexico and Columbia, he shocked NASCAR by making the Chase. He also shocked retinas with this abomination on the No. 42 Dodge, run at Texas for the Hispanic Heritage Month "Dream in Color" campaign. Who says green, red, orange, black and yellow clash? Pretty much everyone with eyes.
BEST OFF-TRACK SOAP OPERA: In May, after what NASCAR alleged was a positive test for methamphetamine, driver Jeremy Mayfield was indefinitely suspended. Mayfield hired lawyers and got a judge to unsuspend him. Two weeks later, though, he allegedly failed a second drug test and was un-unsuspended. A few weeks after that, Mayfield's stepmother Lisa, who had testified she saw the driver use meth dozens of times, was herself arrested for misdemeanor assault and trespassing. She was on… Wait for it… Jeremy Mayfield’s property. You can't get that kind of gritty, real-life drama anywhere else. Besides jerry Springer.
WORST OFF-TRACK SOAP OPERA: It is possible, that, at some point in the distant future, taking into account her IndyCar schedule, her various contractual obligations and certain astrological signs, that Danica Patrick could conceivably drive a stock car in some form of NASCAR-sanctioned event. ...Oh.
BEST VICTORY CELEBRATION: Here's video of Dale Junior doing his 2009 post-victory burnout! Well, computer-generated video from EA Sports NASCAR 09, anyway. Junior didn't get a burnout in real life.
WORST VICTORY CELEBRATION: After winning in Nashville, Kyle Busch was presented with the traditional trophy; a custom-made, hand-painted Gibson Les Paul -- which he promptly destroyed, Pete Townsend-style, on live TV.
"There ought to be a law with no bail
Smash a guitar and you go to jail
With no chance for early parole
You don't get out 'til you get some soul"
