BabeWatch... Annie Wershling

Who loves a hot redhead? Jack's new love interest on "24" this season is dishy FBI Agent Rene Walker, played by Annie Wersching. The St. Louis native began her acting career with a guest shot on "Star Trek: Enterprise" and is known mostly for playing trashy TV producer, Amelia Joffe on "General Hospital." Now she's busy saving the world. And looking hot while doing it.

Today in Sex 1.13.2009

According to former Wired sex columnist Regina Lynn, a panelist at Friday's "Porn and Technology" seminar at the Adult Entertainment Expo, early humans made sex toys of camel dung.

Didn't ancient women know about bananas and cucumbers?

The woman raped by Roman Polanski three decades ago, filed a legal declaration asking that the charge against the director be dismissed in the interest of saving her from further trauma. A hearing is set for Jan. 21, but prosecutors have said he must appear in person — an act which would risk his arrest.

There are no heroes here. Polanski is creepy and the LA District Attorney's office isn't much better. The victim wants it dropped, then drop it.

State corrections officials announced that a majority of paroled sex offenders in California are being monitored by GPS technology. The agency reports that 6,622 sex offenders have been fitted with GPS ankle bracelets, allowing their parole agents to immediately locate them. The state is home to about 70,000 sex offenders.

In other words, it's time to buy Garmin stock.

A man in California has been accused of selling his daughter in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat. Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised.

Yes, he sold his daughter then called the cops when the buyer didn't pay. Genius! Anyway, doesn't $16,000 seem kind of low? We suppose it depends on the kind of beer.

Knicks center Eddy Curry was slapped with a shocking sex-harassment suit Monday by his former driver, who claims the 6-foot-11 Curry tried to solicit gay sex from him. The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky in the nude, allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."

Curry also allegedly made Kuchinsky perform humiliating tasks "outside the scope" of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing towels Curry had ejaculated into so his wife would not see them, the Manhattan federal court suit says. Kuchinsky, who is straight and Jewish, also alleges Curry hurled slurs at him including "f---ing Jew," "cracker," "white slave," "white devil" and "grandmaster of the KKK."

Because nothing turns a guy on like being called a "white devil."

Celebratin'... The Mighty Don Knotts

Today we celebrate the comic genius that is Mr. Don Knotts. Even some of his most ardent fans don't know that Knotts got his first big break on a soap opera, "Search for Tomorrow," where he appeared from 1953 to 1955. He first found primetime fame in 1956 on Steve Allen’s variety show, most notably as a nervous guy in Allen’s mock “Man in the Street” interviews.

Around that same time, Knotts and a some hick named Andy Griffith starred on Broadway together in a play called "No Time For Sargents." Knotts made his Broadway debut as "Corporal Manual Dexterity" and Griffith got nominated for a Tony. The subsequent film of the same name cemented a professional and personal relationship between the two men that would last for decades, deep into the Matlock-era. Knotts passed away in 2006. A little TV trivia: his last live-action television appearance was on an episode of "That ’70s Show," playing Fez and Jackie’s new landlord, a tribute to his role as Ralph Furley.

Master of self-defense Barney Fife giving young Opie Taylor a few pointers on handling bullies. Badly.


"No Time For Sargents," the first on-screen appearance of that awesome Knotts/ Griffith chemistry.


Don Knotts is "The Love God?" It's not a typo, the movie had a question mark in the title.


Knotts with Tim Conway in "Cannonball Run 2." See if you recognize the chimp.



And we didn't even have time for the "Three's Company" stuff or clips from "The Shakiest Gun in the West." Maybe next time.

LOL: Treasure Maps

Maps are about finding news ways to see the world. They are also good for making fun of stuff. That famous "New Yorker's view of the world" motif, for example, has been imitated a thousand times for a thousand different cities. We aren't as smart as those New Yorker peeps, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy a little cartography-based humor. (Some of these you may have to click to see in full detail.)



This is a cool one. Each state of the Union has been given the name of a country with a corresponding GDP. In other words, Utah has an economy about the size of the entire Ukraine.









Made by a lover of transit maps, this is a fanciful mass transit system for getting around the globe. Of course, Chicago is east of Minneapolis, not west as shown here, but why quibble?










We've spent a lot of time looking for those things. Good to know that somebody finally found one.















Way, way back in 2007, this is what the map of the internet world looked like. A few of these borders may have changed since then.

Hatin' On...Mickey Rourke's Mouth

The Grind love nothing more than railing against awards shows. And, with the 2009 award season upon us, there is plenty to rail about. Like this "dress" that Renée Zellweger wore to last night's Golden Globes.

It's not just the fashion disasters that we love to hate. Or that we can mock smug millionaires who pat themselves on the back for having one of the world's best jobs. We also hate award shows because they are the feminine version of spectator sports. Instead of winners being decided by who is fastest, strongest and smartest, the winners at award shows are whoever looks best on the red carpet or gives the best acceptance speech. Award shows are, basically, a high school popularity contest writ large, expect that everyone has good skin.

Today, though, we are mad about more than award shows in general. We are reserving special hate for last night's Globes. Being famously relaxed, the Globes is the only award show where nominees are served champagne during the broadcast. It showed. Half the speakers were slurring, and many made lame sex jokes -- to the endless delight of the whooping audience. It was reminiscent of a scene in "Idiocracy" when the crowd is laughing at a movie called "Ass." The future may be sooner than you think.

Especially galling was Mickey Rourke, who won best actor for "The Wrestler." In his acceptance speech, Rourke consistently used the word "balls" as a compliment, then made a lame joke about director, Darren Aronofsky. The camera jumped to Aronofsky, who made an obscene gesture; flipping Mickey off with love, you might say.

Gee. How bold and edgy. How rebellious. Way to stick it to The Man, Mickey. Were you trying to be a bad boy, thumbing your nose at conventional society? Because it just came off as creepy.

Rourke could have taken the opportunity of winning to reflect on his career without cussing -- to the laughter and applause of a puerile crowd. But he also could have showed up in jacket that didn't look like it was pulled from a dumpster in Compton earlier that afternoon. Instead, Rourke cussed when kids could have been watching, handing his hosts, the Golden Globes, a hassle with the FCC. That's not being a good guest, let alone a gracious winner.

It wasn't just Rourke, either. Ricky Gervais joked about having sex with 200 middle-age journalists. Seth Rogen dropped a line about doing cocaine with Rourke. "Slumdog Millionaire" producer Christian Colson closed the show with an expletive when he was cut short during his acceptance speech.

Of course, a certain amount well-deployed profanity is an essential part of every educated man's lexicon, but everything has a time and place. There are occasions when it simply isn't appropriate to curse like an angry French whore. If you are having dinner at your mother's house, for instance, you wouldn't ask her to "pass the fucking peas." On a job interview, you wouldn't describe your computer skills as "the shit" and expect to be offered the position. By the same token, it's probably not a good idea to act like a like a drunk retard on network television.

Mickey, for the Oscar you are going to win in a few weeks, do us a favor and keep the speech clean. Maybe even shave and shower before the show? The Academy, and your audience, deserve it.