The Grind love nothing more than railing against awards shows. And, with the 2009 award season upon us, there is plenty to rail about. Like this "dress" that Renée Zellweger wore to last night's Golden Globes.It's not just the fashion disasters that we love to hate. Or that we can mock smug millionaires who pat themselves on the back for having one of the world's best jobs. We also hate award shows because they are the feminine version of spectator sports. Instead of winners being decided by who is fastest, strongest and smartest, the winners at award shows are whoever looks best on the red carpet or gives the best acceptance speech. Award shows are, basically, a high school popularity contest writ large, expect that everyone has good skin.
Today, though, we are mad about more than award shows in general. We are reserving special hate for last night's Globes. Being famously relaxed, the Globes is the only award show where nominees are served champagne during the broadcast. It showed. Half the speakers were slurring, and many made lame sex jokes -- to the endless delight of the whooping audience. It was reminiscent of a scene in "Idiocracy" when the crowd is laughing at a movie called "Ass." The future may be sooner than you think.
Especially galling was Mickey Rourke, who won best actor for "The Wrestler." In his acceptance speech, Rourke consistently used the word "balls" as a compliment, then made a lame joke about director, Darren Aronofsky. The camera jumped to Aronofsky, who made an obscene gesture; flipping Mickey off with love, you might say.Gee. How bold and edgy. How rebellious. Way to stick it to The Man, Mickey. Were you trying to be a bad boy, thumbing your nose at conventional society? Because it just came off as creepy.
Rourke could have taken the opportunity of winning to reflect on his career without cussing -- to the laughter and applause of a puerile crowd. But he also could have showed up in jacket that didn't look like it was pulled from a dumpster in Compton earlier that afternoon. Instead, Rourke cussed when kids could have been watching, handing his hosts, the Golden Globes, a hassle with the FCC. That's not being a good guest, let alone a gracious winner.
It wasn't just Rourke, either. Ricky Gervais joked about having sex with 200 middle-age journalists. Seth Rogen dropped a line about doing cocaine with Rourke. "Slumdog Millionaire" producer Christian Colson closed the show with an expletive when he was cut short during his acceptance speech.
Of course, a certain amount well-deployed profanity is an essential part of every educated man's lexicon, but everything has a time and place. There are occasions when it simply isn't appropriate to curse like an angry French whore. If you are having dinner at your mother's house, for instance, you wouldn't ask her to "pass the fucking peas." On a job interview, you wouldn't describe your computer skills as "the shit" and expect to be offered the position. By the same token, it's probably not a good idea to act like a like a drunk retard on network television.
Mickey, for the Oscar you are going to win in a few weeks, do us a favor and keep the speech clean. Maybe even shave and shower before the show? The Academy, and your audience, deserve it.