GearMania: Storytime

There's nothing finer than to curl up in front of a fireplace with a good book. To make sure you don't curl up with a book you want to throw on the fire, GearMania has some timely titles you might want to try.

To get a sense of what you might see in the much-hyped movie, and why it's so hard to make good films from Fitzgerald books, get "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."

Another book that's made it's way into theaters is "Marley & Me" the funny but sad story of a problem dog by John Grogan.

This one, "Team of Rivals," by Doris Kearns Goodwin has been in the news a lot lately, as its title became the rallying cry for the Obama transition.

Malcom Gladwell, is wonderful and frustrating, illustrating fascinating principles of human behavior in entertaining ways, yet somehow never quite tying it all together. He sometimes seems like a poet only dabbling in sociology, but is nevertheless always worth the cost of admission. We're sure "Outliers" will be as well.

Celebratin'... Yuletide Rock

Two weeks ago, it was the best of Christmas Blues, Soul and Hip-Hop. Last week it was the best of Country Christmas. Now it's time to Rock n' Roll. We're going to stay away from the obvious choices, like Springsteen's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" or that terribly overplayed, only ironically interesting David Bowie/Bing Crosby duet on "Little Drummer Boy." Check out afew of the lesser-played Christmas nuggets we love:


We kick off with The Ramones and "Merry Christmas, I Don't Want to Fight Tonight"




My Chemical Romance with a post-punk cover of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" that has just the right mix of sentimentality and angst.



The underrated "Christmas is a Time to Say 'I Love You'" by the also underrated Billy Squire.



Yeah, we know this one gets some airplay, but it's one of our faves. "Christmas Baby, Please Come Home," originally sung by Darlene Love, here covered by some Irish band from the 80's.



Robert Earl Keene's spot-on and hilarious "Merry Christmas from the Family." Okay, it's more country than rock, but any song whose opening lines is "Mom got drunk and dad got drunk /At our family Christmas party" is alright with us.




We'll finish up with the sappy, but lovely 20th anniversary remake of "Do They Know It's Christmas" A pretty song and sentiment. There are worse things a person can do besides want to feed the world.

Textual Healing 12.19.2008

Patt Morrison in the LA Times writes a mildly depressing but fair-handed and insightful story on the not-so-great case for legalizing and taxing marijuana in California.

Why are gay groups so angry with Obama over Rick Warren? Byron York notes that Obama has supported repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act, spoke out against Proposition 8 and the Federal Marriage Amendment, and has come out in favor legal civil unions and domestic partnerships. Buy gay activists are furious about Warren being invited to speak at the inauguration, mostly because he supported Prop 8. York quotes Brad Luna, director of communications for the Human Rights Campaign, comparing Warren to an anti-Semite. Gay blogger John Aravosis writes, “The larger reason I’m so upset with Obama over this decision [is] I actually trusted the guy. I know, stupid me.”

Obama was elected on a platform of "new politics," of ending bitterness and bipolarity and trying to understand different views. Now that he seems to be putting those words into action, liberals are angry? Christopher Hitchens, with his congenital hatred of all things spiritual, is in
full-on, self-righteous, name-calling fury.

This shrill tone doesn't do any favors for the gay community. Obama will almost certainly be the most gay-friendly President in American history. Objecting to popular, fairly-centrist Rick Warren is a case of valuing symbolism over substance.

Paris Hilton has been robbed of about $2 million dollars worth of jewelry. Certainly, no one deserves to be burgled, but Paris might come close. Not only is she society's greatest propagator of mindless celebrity , tawdry sex, substance abuse and frivolous consumerism, she apparently can't hang remember to turn a deadbolt. LAPD sources told the LA Times the burglar or burglars got into the home through the unlocked front door.

JockSniffing 12.19.2008

MJD thinks the NFL should "recognize guys who were once thought of as scrubs… and emerged from obscurity to have a fantastic year." He calls it the "Who's This Fellow? award." The WTF for short. Shaun Hill and Lance Moore are on the list. We won't give away who won, but he holds every Coastal Carolina QB record in existence.

Via College Football Talk comes an interesting exchange between Tim Tebow and Mel Kiper. Tebow, who Kiper doesn't think will succeed in the NFL, asked Kiper what he needs to be successful pro quarterback. Kiper hemmed and hawed and didn't give the real answer: His delivery is slow and he isn't that accurate on the crossing patterns and out-routes that NFL QB's must be able to throw.

Deadspin has a fascinating story on the Erin Andrews sex tape hoax. That's HOAX. The moral of the story is don't get twisted tech-savvy interbet pranksters mad at you. While you're at Deadspin, don't forget to vote in Sports Human of the Year. This round is Buzz Bissinger vs. Mark Cuban. You just know Buzz, famously defaming Will Leitch, will get the nod.

LOL: Spoof-tastic

The "Make it Snow" girl goes parody. That didn't take long.




While we are spoofing, here's a three-minute version of "Twilight" made by "Spooky Dan." With puppets. Very useful for people who want to know what happens in "Twilight," but have no intention of sitting through the actual film.




Cracked.com has an awesome selection of Worst Christmas Ever pics. Here's the best one. Now we know the real story behind that "star" that appeared in the east.

Today in Sex 12.19.2008

A third of British teens regret the first time they had sex, a UK poll found. The poll, in Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, found those aged 13 or younger were more likely to wish they had delayed their first sexual encounter than those aged 15-16, reports the Sun (UK).

Really? 13-year-olds aren't emotionally prepared to have sex? That is big news. Seriously, though, who doesn't regret their first time? For most of us, losing our virginity is a sloppy, awkward affair; what with not quite knowing which parts go where. We agree that everyone should wait to have sex untill they feel ready. But no matter how long you wait, or how prepared you think you are, the first time is bound to a little messy.


Obama told gay activists to tone it down after some groups raised objections to Rick Warren being chosen to give the invocation at the Inauguration. Obama defended his record as "a fierce advocate of equality for gay and lesbian Americans," and said "It is important for America to come together, even though we may have disagreements on certain social issues."

Indeed. People of goodwill can disagree without the rancor that has characterized so much of our social discourse the last several years. It's been appalling to watch the Left pillory Obama for insufficiently "progressive" cabinet choices. The President-elect won because he appealed to a broad base; moderates included, and it's been unseemly to see the Left act like they own the Presidency.


The British couple convicted of having sex on a Dubai beach is due back into the UK today. The couple was initially issued three-month jail terms, but the sentences were suspended on appeal. The man's lawyer said the pair were held in a Dubai prison prior to deportation for the past five months and are both likely very eager to get home.

So, even though the three-month prison stay was suspended, the couple has been in jail for five months? Nice work, Dubai. That's justice. The good news for this couple is that they will probably get book deals and end up making a fortune back in Britain. It's just another, typical "Meet, get drunk, screw on a beach, get arrested, and stay five months in an Arab prison" rags-to-riches story.

BabeWatch... Hotness Trifecta

We've got three extremely hot women having birthdays today. Well, actually, if you think about it, there are probably thousands of hot women having birthdays today, but we only know about the ones who are famous. Those would be Kristanna Loken, Alyssa Milano and Jennifer Beals.























Ms. Milano, of course, grew up on television, playing Tony Danza's daughter on Who's the Boss." She became famous as an adult for some lame, but sexy film roles, being on "Charmed," and dating Major League Baseball players.
















You met Kristanna Loken in "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines." Now, if you can sit through the endless, sappy dialogue, you can watch her have lesbian affairs on "The L Word."


























Another "L Word" star, Jennifer Beals was a sensation where she starred in "Flashdance," years ago, disappeared for a decade and has re-emerged all juicy and fine.

Celebratin'... Rock of the Lead Balloon

David Coverdale, of Whitesnake fame, is urging Jimmy Page to use guest vocalists for the so-called Led Zeppelin "reunion" tour. Paige is planning to tour as Led Zeppelin without Robert Plant and is reportedly auditioning singers. Coverdale, presumably, wants the gig.

Blech. There's no way. The idea of a decrepit Coverdale prancing around on stage, trying to sing "Communication Breakdown" makes us want to weep. The best course is to pluck the the lead singer from some Led Zep tribute band, ala Marky Mark's Rock Star." But if any aging rocker is going to "replace" Robert Plant, it should be Jack Russell, lead singer for the 80's hair metal band Great White. Check out their note-for-note, inflection-for-inflection remake of "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You."




Soundgraden singer Chris Cornell
with a solo acoustic "Thank You."



The underrated Four Non-Blondes with a seductive, but
respectful version of "Misty Mountain Hop"



Stone Temple Pilots, a band which could have given us so
much more, with a fairly tepid rendition of "Dancing Days."



We'll close with a very rare, very early (1988) Nirvana
performance of "Immigrant Song"

Hatin' on… Apple

The Wall Street Journal reported today that Apple might survive without Steve Jobs. We hope the Journal is wrong. Oh, okay. No, we don't. We couldn't really wish failure on one of the most successful American companies of the past two decades. But we do love to hate Apple and their snobby, obsessive fans. Here's a news flash for all the MacHeads out there: "Simple to use," is just another way of saying "not for smart people."

Let's start with the basics: PCs are better for games and better for media because, duh, it's a PC world we're living in. Globally, the overwhelming majority of soft- and hardware is made to run on Windows. How would you feel if I offered you a very fast, great-looking car, but then told you that it only works on 10% of the world's roads?

PC's are far, far cheaper to buy and own. Apple’s least expensive laptop is more than $1,000, while you can get an el cheapo PC laptop for under $500. Or you can buy a decent Windows desktop for less than 25% of the cost of a Mac Pro. Not a third, not half. Under a fourth.

In the PC world, parts are interchangeable and everywhere. There are competing manufacturers and retail stores with various sales and rebates. There are always refurbished parts for people who want to build on the cheap. Apple is just Apple; exerting a top-down, fascistic control over all products and prices. Consequently, if you want to speed up a Windows system, you can buy more memory, a new motherboard and even a CPU, possibly installing them yourself. If you want a to speed up a Mac, buy a new Mac.

Corporate culture? Rough. Don't but the New Age-y PR. In December 2004, Apple filed a lawsuit against O'Grady's PowerPage for posting information about upcoming technology. (Apple shared the info with outsiders under nondisclosure agreements.) The "news" the company sued over? A new FireWire interface for the game GarageBand. Big whoop. Apple lost and ended up paying something like $600,000 in court costs. Or what about last year, when Apple shipped iPods containing a worm and tactfully blamed Microsoft, saying, "As you might imagine, we are upset at Windows for not being more hardy against such viruses, and even more upset with ourselves for not catching it." How about an apology to people unlucky enough to buy the infected iPods? Oh, and while we are on the the subject of the iPod, has any company ever used planned obsolesce to better effect? Those things are really built to last... A year.

You've got to hate Apple's air of cultural superiority; the glitzy, self-congratulatory press conferences and having "geniuses" in their stores. Is there anyone out there who doesn't think that the "I'm a Mac/ I'm aPC" ads with Justin Long and John Hodgman didn't devolve into self-parody a year ago.

But Apple's greatest crime, their most unpardonable sin, is undoubtedly teaching the world to use the lower-case letter "I" as a suffix for product names. That alone is enough to warrant our eternal scorn. Apple's first product with a leading lowercase letter came in 1994, with a failed online service called "eWorld." But then the company introduced the iMac in 1998 and a monster was born. That single letter, added to "Pod," "Phone" and "Tunes," has spawned hundreds of imitators with annoyingly cute, faux-geek product names. Just check out iChair at the iLounge. You'll see what we mean. While you're doing that, we'll grab a beer from the iFridge.

JockSniffing 12.18.2008

Sure, it's fun to root, root, root for the home team, but it's almost more fun to hate your rivals. Epic Carnival, perhaps in honor of the Twelve Days of Christmas, blogs on the Twelve Most Hated Franchises in all of Sports. Well, in all of American professional sports, anyway. There are some loathsome college programs (Duke and Notre Dame, anyone?) that were left out, and we can only assume that millions of people overseas hate Manchester United and Real Madrid. But why quibble?

The Big Lead notes that Timberwolves' GM Kevin McHale took a little shot a bloggers in a recent interview. TBL explores, postulating that sports bloggers have so much sway because, unlike mainstream media, bloggers are totally obsessed with their favorite teams. He makes a fair case.

According to an article in the IndyStar, former Hoosier Eric Gordon said there was lots of drug use on the Indiana basketball team while Kelvin Sampson was the coach. MidwestSportsFans has an unbelievably involved story about Gordon's comments. What's fascinating is the whole story just says "drug"." We are never told if that means pot, acid, alcohol, heroin, oxycontin or HGH. But Grinder will take a wild shot in the dark and guess, just guess, that they were using cocaine.

That won't be a problem in NASCAR. Next month they implement the tougher drug testing guidelines announced in September. Everyone will be tested before the season begins, and random tests will continue throughout the 2009 season.

GearMania: Flush Hour

Make your bathroom experience even more fulfilling with the combination iPod dock/toilet paper dispenser. The four integrated, moisture-resistant speakers deliver exceptional sound, in the bath, shower or when you're just, you know, sitting around. For the man who must putt, the Tee Time Toilet Potty Puter is a wondrous time saver. Why waste all those minutes (or hours, if you don't get enough fiber) spent on the can staring into space? You could be working on your short game. Finally, with the Foot Flusher Retrofit Kit (pardon our alliteration) you can add a digital switch to any old toilet, meaning you'll never have to touch a toilet handle again.

Textual Healing 18.12.2008

In the Washington Post, George Will points out that Ford is not asking the government for money and should not be pilloried like GM. Will writes about Ford CEO Alan Mulally pruning almost half the company's nameplates including; Aston Martin, Jaguar and Land Rover and probably Volvo, but says the company will most likely survive the auto industry shakedown.

Gawker says it's time to retire the word "douchebag." We don't agree. Truly useful words do not get "played out." Besides, the e-mailer who suggested the banishment seems to think "douchebag" only applies to persons in New York City. Au contraire! The douchebag is a national, nay, a global phenomenon.

Nicholas Kristof supports New York Governor David Patterson's 18 percent sales tax on soft drinks. It's a reasonable position to raise money in a budget crises. But Kristof likes the soda tax for all the wrong reasons. He spends his hundreds of words railing against the Evils of Demon Sugar; decrying how high fructose corn syrup makes us all fat and sick, and the national soda tax will make it all better. Coming soon, we're sure, is a tax on hamburgers and French fries, followed by taxes on anything else that Kristof and the rest of the Health Police don't like.

Jeremy Piven is reportedly bailing on the Broadway play 'Speed the Plow' because of a "high mercury count." Playwright David Mamet isn't buying the excuse. Mamet took a shot at Piven in Variety, saying the actor was apparently "leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.” Life & Style had earlier reported that Piven was leaving the play because of the ever-popular "exhaustion."

LOL: Horesplay

Some comedy needs no explanation. It just is. For funniness in it's purest form, check out these drunk guys wandering around downtown Saratoga Springs.




Take off, eh?



AN OLDIE WE LOVE
Three racehorses stood in their stalls. One said: "I ran 20 races and I won 15.
The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25!" The third horse spoke up, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 40 of them!" The horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and won them all. The horses looked at each other in amazement. One gasped, "Wow! A talking dog!"

BabeWatch... Jennifer Aniston

She's everywhere promoting her new movie; on the covers of magazines, on TV, the radio. Frankly, we could care less about her personal life, but we do love looking at her. L-O-V-E. Here are some of our favorite shots over the years of America's Sweetheart, the lovely Jennifer Aniston.

Today in Sex 12.08.2008

Italian scientists have used ultrasound to prove the G-spot exists – but only for one lucky woman in four. According to New Scientist, researchers at the University of L’Aquila in Italy have discovered clear anatomical differences between women who claim to have vaginal orgasms, as opposed to clitoral, and those that don’t. Women capable of orgasm during penetrative sex have a thicker tissue area in the region between the vagina and the urethra.

So, you know, before you ask a woman out, see if you can inspect the tissue between her urethra and vagina with an ultrasound machine. Women love that.

“The Joy of Sex” was a revolution when published in 1972. Though it's been tweaked over the years, the first completely revised version of the book makes its American debut next month, reports the New York Times. The Times quotes Susan Quilliam, a British sexologist who extensively revised the book, who said people need help negotiating bewildering sexual messages. As pervasive as sex is, she said, society seems as ignorant and nervous about it as ever. People are, "confused, bombarded as they are by explicit images, impossible expectations and contradictory, alarming information from an ever-expanding array of media promoting the notion that everyone should be having amazing, contortionistic sex all the time."

We have no idea what "contortionistic" means either. But we are willing to give it a shot.

Global Orgasm is "an initiative for peace," according to their website. The idea is that everyone on earth will have an orgasm one the same day at the same time and this will do... Something. The idea is to "effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological, mental and spiritual energy."

Well, sure, it's a silly idea. But that doesn't mean we don't love it. The Grinder would like to officially offer our services to any ladies out there who need help creating world peace on December 22. Or the 23rd. Or any other day. Because we care.

JockSniffing: 12.17.2008

In stunning, shocking, incredibly mind-blowing news, an old boxer is coming out of retirement. 46-year-old Evander "Half-an-Ear" Holyfield is fighting Russian Nikolai Valuev. Ugh.

The Valuev-Holyfield fight is a joke, says the insightful manager of world heavyweight champs Witali and Vladimir Klitschko. Bernd Boente, who manages both of the Klitschko brothers, called the meeting between Valuev and Holyfield a "disaster" and a "farce." Which makes it not much different from most heavyweight prizefights.

ESPN.com has launched their new, slimmed down website. It's for everybody who found the graphics-heavy, font-soup of the previous incarnation too cluttered to navigate. Which was many, many people. Almost everyone. The new site is still in beta, but you can check it out here. From there, click over to ESPN Mag's superior already uncluttered website and read Sam Alipour's story on LeBron in Hollywood.

Busted Coverage is holding their annual Blogger of the Year tourney, with 64 of the county's best-known (and unknown) bloggers battling it out for the coveted crown. Okay. Really, no one except the bloggers themselves actually covet the title -- and maybe not even some of them. But it's good fun nonetheless and might turn you on to a writer who covers only and exactly the sports you care for. For every player, every team, every niche sport on earth, someone here writes about it.

Textual Healing

Thomas Friedman, hyperbolic as ever, uses the Madoff money management scam to predict the end of capitalism. The Madoff affair, Friedman says, "is the cherry on top of a national breakdown in financial propriety, regulations and common sense." Sure it is. Or it's just another big financial scandal in a long line that dot American history.

Michael Knox Beran in National Review has a prodigiously researched, slightly mean-spirited excoriation of Caroline Kennedy's interest in Hilary Clinton's soon-to-be vacant Senate seat. Beran, surprisingly, defends John Kennedy, while bashing father Joesph. What he doesn't address is whether Caroline Kennedy is qualified for the job, or least more qualified than Fran Drescher. Beran assumes, probably rightly, that anybody who has never -- not once -- run for public office, should, ipso facto, not be appointed to the highest legislative body in the land. No matter who her daddy was.

Not that American politics doesn't have a nobility. CBS points out that the Senate currently includes six sons or daughters of Congressmen. Next year's 111th Congress will have 21 House members with a parent who also served in Congress, plus five wives who holding their late husbands’ seats.

A Muslim woman was arrested for refusing to take off her head scarf at a courthouse security checkpoint. A judge ordered Lisa Valentine, 40, to serve 10 days in jail for contempt of court, said police in Douglasville, a city of about 20,000 on Atlanta's west outskirts. Valentine violated a court policy that prohibits people from wearing headgear in court, police said after they arrested her Tuesday. Valentine, who claimed her "human and civil rights" were violated, was unexpectedly released Wednesday after the Washington-based Council on American-Islamic Relations urged authorities to investigate.

LOL: Boob-tastic

Comedian Matt Fugate won't buy his daughter boobs...




We can only hope that this tattoo is real...

MAKING THE GRADE
A little girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother said, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The little girl fired off another, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get divorced?"

The mother, annoyed by the questions, said, "Honey, that's upsetting and I don't want to talk about it."

The little girl sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house. She consulted with her friend who said, "Look at your mom's driver's license. It's like a report card. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were talking again

The little girl said, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32."

The mother was shocked. "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged. "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce, too.

"Oh? Why?"

Because you got an 'F' in sex."

Celebratin'... The Hef Legend

Today, because our founder and fearless leader is celebrating a new biography, we decided to take a look at all things Hugh Hefner. Well, okay, there's no way anyone could look at ALL things Hefner. The man has been a cultural icon for more than five decades. His actual sex partners are hotter than most of the girls we dream about. Let's qualify that and say we will sample at a very small portion of the Hefner oeuvre. You take a look at these cool vids and pics. Meanwhile, we will Google the word "oeuvre" to see if we are using it right.

Playboy After Dark, a TV extension of the Playboy lifestyle ran only from 1969-1970, but preserved countless classic pop culture moments, including appearances by; Marvin Gaye, James Brown, The Byrds, the Grateful Dead, Tony Bennett, Smokey Robinson, Count Basie and many more. Here is the show's famous opening sequence, with music composed by jazz great Cy Coleman. Watch for the priceless line, "We're all in the rumpus room!"




This is Grand Funk Railroad performing the bluesy, "Mr. Limo Driver," live on PAD. Check out the odd, delightfully uncomfortable exchange that Hef has with Tony Randall before the band plays.



Gilbert Gottfried's near-legendary performance at the Hugh Hefner Roast in 2001. Scathing is one word for it. Hysterical is another.



In case you were wondering, kids, this is what being successful looks like:

GearMania: Write On!

Today, Grinder is looking at the humble pen; mightier than the sword, yet needing to be chained down in most bank lobbies. Sure, you could go out and get yourself some pricey, gold-plated Mont Blanc limited edition, but we buy those and lose them all the time. Besides, we prefer pens that do more than just write. Check out these hyper-literate gizmos.

Above is the Mobile Digital Scribe, the first ever device to capture natural handwriting from any surface and store it for future use. Using ordinary ink to write on any paper, the Mobile Digital Scribe stores handwritten notes, memos or drawings for easy upload to your computer. No special digital notepad is required. If the Mobile Digital Scribe is connected to a computer, handwritten text and drawings ca be displayed directly on the computer screen.

Smartpen Livescribe is little different. It works like this: You turn on the pen and record whatever is being said in the room, taking notes on special paper you can buy or print out. Then, when you go back to check your notes, the pen will playback what was being said at the time you took them. (It makes a lot more sense if you watch the video.) Complicated, but we could see how Livescribe would be incredibly useful for students or people who take lot of notes in meetings.

The Covert Camcorder Pen Camera lets you see and hear. This James Bond-worthy video camera pen, with built-in 4GB of memory, provides 16 hours of audio/video recording and saves files in the popular, easily-to-edit AVI format. Oh yeah, and you can also write with it.

BabeWatch... Milla Jovovich

Today is Milla Jovovich's birthday and we can't think of a better way to celebrate than posting some pictures of the model/actress/not half-bad musician. Who didn't adore Milla in "The Fifth Element," wearing a costume that was little more than bunch of bandages? Who wasn't dazzled by her in the butt-kicking "Resident Evil" and its sequels? She might just be the sexiest comic book babe of all time (especially if you think that chick from Tomb Raider, whatshername, is wildly overrated.) Milla even sings, and made an album that doesn't entirely suck. Here's her take on the oft-covered Lou Reed song, "Satellite Of Love."

Back in 2006, Hilary Duff was quoted in Elle magazine saying she was a virgin. "But I absolutely did not say that," says the 21-year-old pop star. Duff is promoting a hits collection and getting publicity for the semi-racy video "Reach Out," one of two new songs on the album.

Though we aren't really fans of the smeared mascara/heroin-addled prom queen look she sports here, Hilary looks very, very good in the new vid. All growed up and whatnot. Our issue is with the song itself; a complete, unabashed rip-off of Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus."

Our fearless leader Hugh Hefner gave the TV show "Extra" a personal tour of the Playboy Mansion that aired yesterday. Hef was asked by Mario Lopez of all people, about his public breakups, the 55th Anniversary issue of Playboy, and the new biography, "Mr. Playboy." Hef, who gave unlimited access to his personal documents for the book, says it's "the most authoritative" thing ever written about him. Asked about the most shocking revelation, Hef said, "Probably an incident that occurred back in the late seventies where I almost swallowed a sex toy."

We love the book, obviously, and think everyone should rush right out and buy several copies. But we did skip over that part about choking on a sex toy. There are some things we just don't need to know

Drew Peterson, 54, is engaged again, his lawyer and publicist confirmed to FOXNews.com. The ex-cop, a suspect in the disappearance of his fourth wife Stacy and whose third wife died suspiciously in a bathtub, is planning to walk down the aisle a fifth time. Peterson's new fiancée is 23-years-old. Peterson, his lawyer and and publicist all refused to identify the lucky girl by name.

How this guy stays out of jail is a mystery to us. Also a mystery is what kind of women would marry a man suspected of killing his previous wives. The girl either thinks she is going to "save" Peterson or has suicidal tendencies. Another question; how will Peterson will be able to marry this new girl when he is still married to Stacy? Will he have to show police where the body is hidden in order to get a divorce? Lastly, is anyone else disturbed that Drew Peterson, an ex-cop famous for being a suspected murderer, has a publicist?

Hatin' On... Crybabies and Doomsayers

We are sick of hearing about the economy. No, not just because the wild, daily swings of the stock market are making us seasick, or because debates about bailouts are so incredibly complex and dull. We are sick of the economy because we are sick of listening to people whine about their sorrows and preach the impending doom of Western Civilization itself.

Yesterday, one so-called expert told Reuters that the economic downturn would result in "more crime, especially stealing." Timothy Fong, a psychiatrist at UCLA, also said we can expect "more workplace violence and more violence at the malls." Others predicted a rise in depression, drug use and anxiety which "might lead to violent behavior in stores."

What a load. To start with, the whole "more crime in a bad economy" argument is pseudo-Marxist crap. It's a theory proffered by those who think money is the sole determinant of human affairs; the kind who think that poverty "causes" crime. (Because, apparently, poor people are incapable of making moral choices.)

It's total BS. According to Canada's CBC, a 2006 criminology study found that rates for murder, rape and assault were actually "unaffected by changes in the business cycle." There is, however, a correlation between property crimes and economics: Property crimes go up when inflation does, because -- duh-- there is a bigger market for stolen goods. That's why crime rates dropped during the Great Depression compared to the much more prosperous Roaring '20s."

Speaking of the "Great Depression," this here ain't it. During the depths of the depression, recall, almost one-third of Americans were out of work, bread lines were common in most cities and half the Midwest dried up and blew away. The more we hear about today's woes being the "worst since the Great Depression," the sorrier we feel for ourselves and, not incidentally, the more we dishonor those who lived though the real thing.

All the complaining about economy is also deeply, profoundly ungrateful. Compared to the rest of the world, Americans, even those in dire straits today, still have a remarkably high standard of living. Most of us have plenty to eat. Most of us have heat and power. We have clothes to wear, even if we can't afford new stuff. Most of us are managing to keep our cell phones, for goodness sake. Yes, times are tough compared to a year ago. But let's not feel too sorry for ourselves. Millions of people across the Third World live in appalling slums; endless miles of corrugated tin shacks next to open sewers. They don't have enough clothing, food or even clean water. Listening to pampered Americans whine about our relatively minor sorrows is sad and galling.

America will become prosperous again, and it will happen the same way we became rich in the first place. Not from government handouts, nor by "flipping houses," or shuffling complex financial instruments. The only way back is hard work and innovation. Step one is to stop whining about it.